Dear Carlos,
Let's get a few things out of the way first.
1. I am an NBA agnostic. I root for no team. In the regular season, I want close divisional races, players and crowds who care, battles for playoff seeding. In the playoffs, give me great matchups, teeth-baring competitiveness, and long series. I am easily pleased.
2. I care about off-court issues for about five seconds, unless they affect the outcome on the floor. So, in your case, I don't care that you may have lied to a blind man for an extra $30 million, and I don't care that you're included in the 95% of NBA players who have cheated on their wives.
3. This is a letter centered on your upcoming series with the Miami Heat, so I'm giving you a pass on your first-ballot election to the Fragile Bitch Hall of Fame, and the fact that you passed up a chance to play with Lebron James for seven years.
This is not a letter just to bash you, Carlos. For the 60% of games you're healthy, you may be the second best low-post scorer in the world, an ambidextrous, old-school matchup nightmare capable of dominating a game from inside 15 feet. You have a reputation for playoff failures which is largely undeserved, having won 4 playoff series in the Lakers-Spurs-Mavs Era, while averaging around a 20-12 as the best or second best player on your team.
When you signed with the Bulls, you were the perfect complement to their core, as I (kindasorta, don't look at the playoff predictions) predicted before the season. You provided the interior scoring touch Chicago lacked, while your defensive deficiences could be masked by Joakim Noah and Tom Thibideau.
And, lo and behold, despite you missing your standard 30 games this season, the Bulls exceeded all expectations and captured the #1 seed in the East, with Derrick Rose winning the MVP and you providing a solid 17-9 line. Everything was set up to challenge the Heat or Celtics in the Conference Finals, and with home-court advantage to boot.
But, Carlos...what happened?? Despite winning the first two series against the vastly inferior Pacers and Hawks, you have released an enormous stinkbomb on the fans of Chicago. TWELVE POINTS PER GAME??? I guess a 9.5 rebounds per game average is OK, but it's still over 3 rebounds shy of your career playoff average.
Fortunately, Carlos, the Heat took out the Celtics in round 2, which could not have worked out better for you. While your all-world teammate gets to deal with two of the top perimeter defenders in the league, you get to go head to head with Chris Bosh, the jump-shooting, heartless human vagina who admitted he was scared before a playoff game recently. SCARED.
So Carlos, please, PLEASE dominate this man. If you're not throwing up 25-13s regularly in this series, it could be a short one, given the way these guys are playing.
The NBA agnostics need you.
Sincerely,
God Shammgod
Original Story:
http://www.nysportspace.com/xn/detail...
