BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Kwame Brown can't mute Michael Jordan

Dear Mr. Brown,

We saw that you had a rough week after a pretty auspicious debut in the BIG3. This week, you only six points and six rebounds — and most crucially, five fouls. In games played to 50, a 15-8 disparity in free throw points can be huge. That being said, we were surprised by your claim that the officials called so many fouls because of Michael Jordan. You said that MJ spent the whole game yelling at you, calling you names, criticizing your post moves and imploring the refs to “call a foul on this f------ f----- already!” As such, you want the 3 Headed Monsters to play the game under protest. But Kwame — Michael Jordan wasn’t at the game.

Yes, the game was played in Charlotte, where MJ’s Hornets play. But Jordan doesn’t even attend that many of his own team’s games, much less the BIG3. It’s the offseason, and he’s busy playing blackjack, smoking cigars, betting tens of thousands on rounds of golf and not scouting NBA players. Everyone knows that Fourth of July weekend is when all the best sales on enormous acid-washed jeans happen! His Airness makes a pilgrimage to the lone remaining Millers Outpost store in the United States and stocks up for the whole year. Even if he did go, he’d only watch Charles Oakley’s team for a half and then start a game of Boo-Ray with Stephen Jackson.

Kwame, it sounds like you were so traumatized by playing for Michael Jordan’s teams — twice! — that you’re imagining him verbally abusing you when he’s not even there. Some basketball players hear phantom footsteps when they’re going up for a fast-break layup; you hear phantom insults when you’re trying to defend Al Harrington. You’re the best strongest guy in the BIG3, Kwame! Go out there and play! No one is going to yell at you! Well, maybe Gary Payton will.

We cannot comment on allegations that the commissioner of the BIG3, Ice Cube, banned Jordan because his gambling was out of control. It’s just a coincidence he’s joining a three-on-three baseball league next spring.

Just do it, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Mike Bibby vs. BIG3 Rulebook

Dear Mr. Bibby,

We got your suggestion about rules changes, but even though you have clearly mastered the four-pointer, hitting four in two games for the Ghost Ballers, we can’t add a five-pointer. In fact, the BIG3 is limited by legal reasons in how much we can adjust our scoring.

Decades ago, the five-pointer was trademarked as “Sink-O” by "The Price Is Right." It's a since-discontinued game where a contestant donned a sombrero and tried to throw basketballs into a burro’s mouth. Not only was the game culturally insensitive, but Bob Barker once slipped on a discarded serape and tore his meniscus, so the game was forever shelved.

We would consider a six-point shot, but we are only playing half-court, so there’s a limit to how far back a shot can be and not be entirely out of bounds. Plus, we are concerned with how many Illuminati conspiracy theories are already in place about pro basketball. If we add a six-pointer, suddenly people will be writing about hexagrams and curses, and players might start carrying crystals and burning sage on the court. It’s just not worth it.

We could go for a higher basket, but MTV owns the copyright to the 25-point and 50-point baskets due to Dan Cortese’s innovative design in the world of Rock N’ Jock. MTV also has copyrights for the 75-point basket and the 100-foot basket, which hangs from a blimp 300 feet in the air. Even if we weren’t facing a court challenge, we'd run the risk of a 45-second game if one team got hot from 25.

Ultimately, we think the four-point basket is about the max for us, though if we ever do try a full-court edition, we’re willing to consider your full-court “Team Dime 10-pointer.”

Spookily yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Stephen Jackson vs. Cuttino Mobley

Dear Mr. Jackson,

When we developed the rules for the BIG3, we didn’t expect technical fouls or flagrant fouls to be a big part of the game. But in two weeks of play, you’ve managed to receive both, including a flagrant foul on Cuttino Mobley that led to two two-point free throws that ended the game. It was a bizarre play: Mobley drove past and you wrapped him up, but in live action, it looked like you threw him down. In slow motion, he clearly fell. That's not a flagrant by NBA standards and probably a result of your mutual disorientation after doing spin moves over the age of 35 — and Cuttino flopped a little bit.

Stack Jack, we don’t blame you, but this is simply a gentler league. Remember when White Chocolate lightly bumped knees with Mike Bibby last week? He’s out for eight months. Bonzi Wells dislocated a finger putting on a headband, and Rashard Lewis is questionable next week with a “sprained goatee.” The point is, these foul penalties do seem excessive, and we hate to have a flagrant call decide a game. At the same time, we also can’t have anyone get a knee replacement, at least not in Year 1.

Ultimately, that play is a positive for the BIG3’s future. You know you’re a real professional sports league when players start flopping egregiously. After all, soccer is the fastest growing sport in the world!

Flagrantly Yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Lee Nailon vs. Rasual Butler

Dear Mr. Nailon,

We reviewed the footage of your crucial foul on Rasual Butler at the end of the Ball Hogs’ comeback win against Tri-State. There was contact, but we agree that it could have been a no-call. Your arms went straight up, and while you were moving, it didn’t seem like you unset. Rather, it looked like you were trembling due to exhaustion.

Look, we understand that you are 42 years old, which is nine years older than your opponent Derrick Byars. Even Rasual is only 38! In the future, the referees will be instructed to take age into account. Was a player going over the back on a rebound, or was it a muscle spasm caused by his own bad back? Before calling a technical, the officials should confirm that the player in question was shouting insults and not advice about retirement accounts. Yes, a player might be shuffling his feet in the post, but let’s make sure that’s actually traveling and not merely a sign he has to pee. Older adults often struggle with bladder control, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

Speaking of older adults, next time you might want to foul your own teammate, Mike James, to stop him from missing so many jumpers. He's a point guard who got two assists! Come on, Mike!

Respectfully yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Dwight Howard vs. Ticket Takers

Dear Mr. Howard,

Thank you for your interest in attending the BIG3 this weekend in your new home of Charlotte. Unfortunately, we had to deny you free passes and, in fact, deny you entry to the game entirely. The founders believe that you might be a destructive influence on the locker room for any one of the eight teams in the league by merely being in the arena at all. We look at the clashes with Kobe Bryant on the Lakers, the fired coaches and dysfunction in Houston, and the struggles in Atlanta, and we have to conclude that we can’t mess with the strong chemistry a team like the Ghost Ballers has built in two weeks together.

Plus we don’t want to ruin the drama for when you inevitably join the BIG3 next season! We think you’d fit in well on Trilogy — Rick Mahorn loves fart jokes.

Sincerely yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline