Formerly a member of Carmelo Anthony's posse, Clayton Raines leaves for job interview dressed for excess.
NEW YORK – (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Determined to show New York Knicks fans that he’s intent on bringing winning basketball back to the “World’s Most Famous Arena,” Carmelo Anthony underscored his seriousness by slimming down his posse.
While most New Yorkers surveyed applauded ‘Melo’s new ‘tude, cynics insist it was his wife, La La Vasquez, who put her foot down and forced the Brooklyn native to throw his coterie of do-nothing hangers-on overboard. Others, chiefly a cadre of accountants and money managers who counsel professional athletes, view the move as a “welcome embrace of fiscal responsibility.”
“As a Knicks fan and certified public accountant, I like Melo’s approach,” said Roslyn CPA Arnold Rothstein. ”NBA players are going to be brought face to face with financial realities sooner or later, and it behooves them to take a hard look at their expenses. To most of us, cars, jewelry, private jets, lap dances are extravances, but to ballers they’re the cost of doing business. Melo is smart in zeroing in on on his bloated posse, which are typically four no-account enablers too many.”
Though Knicks fans and the money managers who follow them applaud Anthony’s move, there are others — chiefly former posse members — who take an entirely different tack.
“If the posse’s four deep and your sole role is scoring weed, it’s just a matter of time before you’re on the street hustling for work,” said Clayton Raines, Anthony’s boyhood friend who was recently among those let go. “People see you palling around with LeBron, you’re drinking expensive champagne in the roped off VIP section, honeys throwing themselves at you…they don’t realize the risks. After four years as a salaried gopher and yes-man, you got no skills to fall back on. Being good at Madden Football ain’t gonna get it done.”
Though Raines’s job prospects are bleak, he harbors no ill-will toward Anthony.
“It’s business. And for the past two years I really didn’t have a lot to do, to tell you the truth. Melo used to like this face I’d make – it cracked him up. A week could go by, I’m just hanging in his house, watering the plants and smoking weed. If he needed a laugh, I’d hop on a plane, meet him in Chicago or Phoenix, he’d ask me to make the face, he’d crack up, then three hours later I’m back on the plane watering his plants and chillin’ in his game room. Looking back I’m just glad that I was able to make Melo happy. Though if the Knicks go in the tank — frankly I don’t know where they’re going to get bounds or stops — don’t expect me to be there to take your call.”
Raines has met with a career counselor and is looking forward to getting on with his life.
“I never really gave a lot of thought to life after Melo. You never think it’s gonna end. And it’s not like you’re gonna get picked up by another dude’s posse. I’ll just have to see what’s out there. If you’re looking for computer skills or whatever it takes to deliver pizza, I’m not your guy. But if you’re reading this and can use someone whose loyal, who’ll run errands, and can get you onto the guest list for Jay-Z’s next party, I’m available. So long as I don’t have to get out of bed and make fresh squeezed oj before the morning shoot-around, I’m good to go.”
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January 16, 2012
