Yardbarker
x
NBA Referee Hotline Bling: James Dolan makes a conference call
Todd Plitt/Getty Images, Yardbarker Illustration 

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: James Dolan makes a conference call

After the new Collective Bargaining Agreement, the NBA established a referee hotline, where players can call to complain about the work of NBA referees . They can give their side of the story about technicals, foul calls, and if they're LeBron James, traveling violations. Just kidding, he doesn't get called for those. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: an NBA owner is going to send his goons after a team hero before his blues band practices.

Re: James Dolan vs. Charles Oakley

Dear Mr. Dolan,

We’ve reviewed the footage of the incident with Mr. Oakley, and we noticed a number of violations. First, three members of the security team clearly go over the back as they’re restraining Mr. Oakley. Nearly everyone reaches in, and there’s so many hand-checking violations it’s impossible to count. Unquestionably, this is illegal defense. In addition, we’ve assessed John McEnroe a technical. Though the audio is unclear, we are familiar with Mr. McEnroe’s work, and there’s no way he wasn’t an instigator here.

And though you are within your rights as an owner to restrict Mr. Oakley from the premises, please think about how each of you got to this point. Mr. Oakley was the ninth pick in the draft, out of historically black university, Virginia Union. He led the league in rebounding twice, and also made two All-Defensive teams. He played 20 seasons, and was universally respected.

You, on the other hand, pursued a career in music before eventually going to school at SUNY-New Paltz. Your father founded Cablevision, and your uncle owns a major league baseball team, so you were able to take over your dad’s company. Since then you’ve blown hundreds of millions of dollars on such disastrous investments as Clearview Cinemas, The Wiz electronics stores, and Italian big man Andrea Bargnani. The Knicks will never win a title until you stop being so entitled.

Mr. Dolan, I know you like straight shooters, so here goes: You’re on the hook to pay the broken-down Joakim Noah for three more seasons. Carmelo Anthony is owed $55 million. The Knicks always spend big, but this time, focus on “free.” Free Oakley. Bring the big man home.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Russell Westbrook vs. Kevin Durant 

Dear Mr. Westbrook,

We appreciate your call, but there is no NBA rule against “being a cupcake.” You may be unhappy that your friend Kevin Durant left town, or believe that he’s soft, but that’s not ground for a suspension, technical foul, or as you suggested, “a jersey-burning ceremony at the league office.”

Also, we would like to say something about cupcakes. Cupcakes are delicious. They’re an elite dessert – like regular cake, only more efficient. Regular cake is a “high-volume” dessert, which requires a lot of ingredients. Even if it’s a triple-layer double-chocolate cake. Cupcakes are also designed for sharing. They’re much easy to distribute and spread around, even in the final minutes of a party. May we suggest you focus on a different dessert? Turnovers. They’re flaky, like you on pick-and-roll defense. Try cutting them in half – your boss will love that!

Sweetly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Buddy Hield vs. DeMarcus Cousins

Dear Mr. Hield,

We’ve reviewed the tape off your pick against DeMarcus Cousins, and we agree with the referees that you grabbed his crotch, and deserved the ejection. It’s too bad, because it was looking like a nice pick, but you got cocky. That move was ballsy, but getting yourself kicked out of an important game is just plain nuts.

For clarification, hand checking has been illegal since 2004, but cup checking has always been illegal. And there’s no such play as a “dick and roll.”

Mr. Hield, it’s still your rookie year, and we’ve all noticed how you are gro’in as a player. But you’re jerking us around with your potential. Perhaps you should stop being a dick, and focus on ball denial.

Your Buddy, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: DeMarcus Cousins vs. Donatas Motiejunas 

Dear Mr. Cousins,

We’re not sure how to get through to you anymore. Technicals don’t help, suspensions don’t do anything, and even adding level-headed veterans like Matt Barnes and Ty Lawson to your team hasn’t improved your behavior. So we made you write an essay before we let you out of suspension. We’ve included this here:

“I accept the fact that I had to sacrifice a whole NBA game in detention for whatever it is that I did wrong – cursing a ref, slapping some dumbass, punching a chair, pushing a coach, whatever. But I think you're crazy to make me write an essay telling you who I think I am. I know I’m the most dominant big man in the game and unfairly singled out by a league-wide referee conspiracy. But you see me as you want to see me: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what I found out is that each one of NBA players is . . . A brain. An athlete. A basket case. A criminal. And a princess.

Does that answer your question?”

Mr. Cousins, that’s clearly the letter from "The Breakfast Club" with a few words changed. We are going to have to assess an additional technical foul for plagiarism, which means an automatic suspension, after the technical you got for screaming so loud that a giant glass door shattered. Please try to control yourself, especially against Chicago. After all, you mess with the Bulls, you get the horns.

Simplemindedly yours, NBA Referee hotline

Re: Kevin Durant vs. Andre Roberson

Dear Mr. Durant,

We believe that you and Andre Roberson deserved the double technicals you received after Saturday’s game in Oklahoma City. Yes, you and the Thunder have been butting heads on social media all season, but that doesn’t excuse literally butting heads during a game. The double technicals are the referees’ version of separating two squabbling kids in the backseat of a car and that’s exactly what you deserved there.

May we offer a bit of strategic advice? You exchanged words with Mr. Roberson and then went face-to-face. That’s a mistake. Keep him at least an arm’s length away. Andre Roberson can’t hit from distance. And when you’re talking trash, only say things that you yourself can deliver. Saying “I’m going to sign with a great boxing team in the off-season!” is just not intimidating.

Loyally yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Previously on NBA Hotline Bling, Enes Kanter punches in the numbers and DeMarcus Cousins looks into sign language.

More must-reads:

Customize Your Newsletter

+

Get the latest news and rumors, customized to your favorite sports and teams. Emailed daily. Always free!

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.