NBA Referee Hotline Bling: LeBron deals with dropped calls

Dear LeBron James,

We wanted to apologize for the officiating at the end of your Christmas Day game against the Warriors. According the Last Two Minute Report, the referees missed three fouls committed against you by Kevin Durant. They also missed a foul committed by you against Draymond Green. Perhaps you find it frustrating that the referees couldn’t get it right at the time, but the league believes these reports are a good measure of transparency. That is why we are debuting the Last Two Years Report, an analysis of the last two years of refereeing decisions in your games.

As you can see in the 8,500-page PDF file, you have been the victim of just over 800 uncalled fouls in the last two seasons. The majority of them were shooting fouls, but there were also more than 200 uncalled reach-ins. In addition, you committed 438 fouls that weren’t called and roughly 1,200 traveling violations. You also should have been assessed 39 technical fouls and six flagrant-twos.

That’s not all. Thanks to enhanced player tracking and video review, we can review the off-court decisions as well. We’ve identified nearly 150 uncalled traffic violations, ranging from excessive speed to failure to come to a complete stop at an intersection. We also found nearly $45,000 in unclaimed deductions on your income tax, a dozen times you failed to wash your hands after using the bathroom, and 26 separate incidents where you declined a phone call from Chris Bosh and pretended you were too busy to talk. You’ve lost 8 percent of your hairline in the past two years, and you’ve only watched “Survivor’s Remorse” on Starz one single time.

We hope to move even further with these reports. This is top secret, but we currently have three precognitives at the offices in Secaucus using their psychic powers to predict what fouls will occur in the final minutes of the game, so that officials can be forewarned and stop these penalties in advance. They’re called Two-Minute Minority Reports. We don’t want to give anything away, but a lot of them feature Draymond Green.

Predictably Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 

Dear Rudolph,

We sympathize with your plight, but the referee hotline is not the place for your concerns about playing time. Yes, it’s frustrating that you received another DNP-CD on Christmas (Did Not Play - Claus’s Decision), but that’s just part of being a young reindeer. Coach Claus has a set eight-man rotation: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Jarrett Jack, who provides veteran leadership and scoring off the bench. He might go nine deep when Blitzen returns from his sprained forelock rehab, but keep in mind, Coach Claus is hundreds of years old. He trusts his veteran reindeer!

While we are saddened to learn that your teammates have been laughing and calling you names, in general, technical fouls are only assessed for abuse of opponents or the officials, not teammates. However, we have a strong commitment to nose diversity and condemn in the strongest possible terms any anti-red-nose prejudice. Perhaps you and your agent could try to force a trade to the Bucks? Or the Brooklyn Nets, AKA the Island of Misfit NBA Players.

Rudolph, with your basketball IQ so bright, we have full confidence you’ll be able to drive some team’s offense soon. And with a little luck, you’ll go down in history — G League history.

Shinily Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

James Harden 

Dear James Harden,

Thank you for apologizing for your outburst at the end of that Clippers game. Yes, it was childish for you to slap the ball out of the referee’s hands after you fouled out, but we get it. You’re frustrated. You scored 50 points in consecutive games and lost both of them. Your old team the Thunder beat you on national television on Christmas. You must be exhausted from playing 41 minutes a night. But most of all, you must be sick of hanging out with Oscar Nunez.

There’s nothing wrong with Oscar, per se. He’s one of the 15 or 20 most beloved characters from "The Office." He was in the underrated rom-com "The Proposal." But it has to be frustrating to have him constantly smirking at the camera while you’re talking during State Farm ads. You could be spending time with your buddies Trevor Ariza, Chris Paul and Chris Paul’s mustache, but instead you’re hanging out with Oscar Nunez. Who is a wonderful actor! But also 59 years old.

I mean, just look at the disdain on your face in this ad! You’re so disinterested, the commercial might as well be for perimeter defense. Honestly, your performance is a flop — and not the kind that gets you cheap free throws. We think you need to take a break and maybe spend some time with the Hoopers. They recently lost their dad, and they could really use a pal like you.

Like a Good Neighbor, NBA Referee Hotline Is There 

Frosty the Snowman 

Dear Frosty,

Frankly, this is becoming a pattern. Every Christmas, you commit bad fouls down the stretch and then call up the hotline to complain about the calls. In the clip above, the referee clearly blows the whistle, and you only pause a moment. That’s willful disregard for the officials, and having just come to life is no excuse. It’s no surprise that your eyes are made out of coal, because we simply can’t understand how you didn’t see him. Later you complain about a play where you’re called for a foul, and in fact you committed many fouls. The point guard drives the lane, and you go bumpety-bump-bump, bumpety-bump-bump over and over. The ref has no choice but to call it!

Frosty, your contention that the league is biased against you simply doesn’t hold up. No other player is allowed to wear a magic hat on the court. Carmelo Anthony has had numerous requests of this nature denied. We’re still not sure how you got a therapeutic use waiver to smoke a corncob pipe during the game.

Still, we’re sure that you’ll be back calling the hotline again someday. Like next Christmas. Because even though people say you’ve got ice water in your veins, whenever it gets to crunch time, you melt.

Icily Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Tyson Chandler 

Dear Tyson,

Thank you for your call about your game-winning shot against Memphis, and to answer your question, yes we did know you are allowed to touch the ball above the cylinder on an inbounds play. As you so painstakingly explained to us, there is no goaltending when there’s no legal shot attempted. We knew that. But yes, your game-winner was legal.

You seem very proud of your clever play, as did coach Jay Triano, who said he’d learned about the rule 15 years ago and been hoarding the play ever since. So congratulations! You beat the Memphis Grizzlies. You used your top-secret, decades-in-the-making play to beat the 11-24 Grizzlies. At home. For the second time in a week.

That’s definitely the best use of this tricky, tricky play. That play was tight!

Hell yeah, NBA Referee Hotline