Philly Fans Enjoy... "The William Penn Curse"

The Curse of the Bambino; The Billy Goat Curse; The Black Sox Curse; The Madden Curse; The Sports Illustrated Cover Curse. What's the common denominator is all of these? They all anally fuck an entire sports franchise without the courtesy of using lube. But what if there was a curse that not only affected an individual athlete or even a franchise, but rather an entire fucking city? Outside of The City of Brother Love this curse doesn't grab the attention of mainstream media like the aforementioned heartbreakers, mainly because we aren't all whiny little bitches like Boston and Chicago fans are, but this curse rings true to all who bleed green, red, orange, and blue. So grab your dollar bills and welcome to the stage, "The William Penn Curse". In the 1800s the city of Philadelphia, or The Illadelph as Stu "I can't tell if he's actually looking at me" Scott refers to it, erected a statue of the founder and sole proprietor of Pennsylvania, William Penn. The statue was placed atop City Hall so the Englishman could look down the shirt of every girl that walked down Broad Street, but it was also agreed upon that no building would ever be made taller then that of the depicted Quaker. And during this time that Billy Penn looked over the city of Philadelphia, the teams actually won things. We celebrated things like Stanley Cups, NBA Championships, the occasional Football Championship (No not the Super Bowl, we don't win those), and even a fucking World Series. It was a glorious time to be a Philly fan, I know cause I've seen the tapes. But it was all about to change? In 1985 the city began its construction on One Liberty Place just three blocks from city hall. When construction was complete on the first skyscraper it was nearly 400 feet taller than the city's beloved Quaker. Since the day construction began on One Liberty Place, the cities sports teams have gone through a type of drought that even a virgin winces hearing about. Since May 31st, 1983 the city's sports teams have gone a combined 0 for 94 in seasons with a championship game. Zero for NINETY FUCKIN FOUR! Really?! I could go hit on 94 different Playboy playmates, and I guarantee I could plug at least one of their holes. We, and yes I'm saying we because I played on every one of those 94 teams, have gone 0 for 7 in championships and an additional 0 for 7 in conference championships. This doesn't even include the most un-fucking-believable scenario of all: In 2005 the governor, former mayor for the City of Brotherly Love, Ed Rendell, declared to the city and its fans that if Smarty Jones, a fucking HORSE, wins the last leg of the triple crown in the Belmont Stakes, that the city would have a parade to celebrate its first championship in 22 years. Yes, you read that right?we were going to march down Broad Street for a fucking animal like he was the '05 Eagles! And sadly, I would have attended. Some say Cleveland fans might have an edge because of the way John Elway and Michael Jordan bent them over the hood of a car for so many years, but let's be honest, Cleveland has teams that consistently blow a whales cock. Philadelphia actually has teams that MAKE the playoffs, and then we deepthroat the cock. People who say that it's worse to have teams suck forever than have a team make it to the playoffs and then lose, are probably the ones at the bar drinking O'Douls. Watching Joe Carter hit a walk-off homerun off of Mitch Williams in the '93 World Series, watching the Eagles make it 4 straight NFC Championship games and lose the first three, than make it in the fourth only to outplay the New England Fag-triots and lose because McNabb cant keep the pre-game buffet down, is much more heartbreaking than the Browns going 4-12 for 15 straight years. The fans of Philly get a bad rap all around the country, and it's kind of unwarranted. Sure we might have pelted Santa with snowballs, cheered when Michael Irvin broke his neck and ended his career in the Vet, threw beer bottles at Jimmy Johnson and batteries at J.D. Drew, but all of those incidents were acts of passion for the city and its teams we love. People just don't understand that Philadelphia Sports is a religion to us. We don't go to church on Sundays because we don't want to miss Eagles pre-game live, and if we do go to church its to pray that McNabb doesn't get hurt again. It is instilled in us by our parents and relatives, by the everyday media coverage and talk around town, and it grows with each heartbreaking season we have to endure as fans. It's something that cannot be explained unless you live it first hand, kind of like the first time you get head. The best way to understand what it's like to be a fan of Philly, is to imagine you're at a sorority party, and somehow after spitting your absolute "A" game for hours you take home the hottest, most untouchable girl on your entire campus. You're walking back to your place and have a boner just holding this girl upright, and just as you're getting ready to plug her holes you realize that the hours you put in trying to get her to actually come home with you, you coincidently drank your face off to the point where you can't get your package to rise to the occasion. Yea you got to touch her boobies and play a little tingly jingly, but you JUST COULDN'T FINISH!