Originally posted on Comedic Prose  |  Last updated 7/23/12

NBA owners really have to grow up.  Between Cleveland, Orlando, and New York, we have a consortium of owners who just don’t “get it.”  I am completely baffled at all times by old white guys who really think they’ve bought inanimate toys.  They sit around on their carpet and like marbles or pogs (yeah, I just said pogs . . . get ya Slammer game right), they watch them fight to their near death on a yearly basis, and then whether they win or lose, they prepare to pick up their toys, put them next to that old tuna sandwich in their lunchbox and walk home.  If anything has been proven in this new era of the NBA[1], it’s that players are no longer pogs.  If this was 1994, everyone would happily be re-signing with their teams as they angrily stare like wild dogs at the team across the state-lines.  However, exploitation days are over.


IF the NBA owners want to be successful, they need to buy low and sell high.  However, these young African – American men know their stock as well, and likewise have learned to buy low and sell high, which leads me to my daily take:  Jeremy Lin(sational/sanity/sane-in-the-membrane/t roller?) leaving the New York Knicks.


Like Denzel says in Training Day “the sh*t is chess, it ain’t checkers . . . that’s the game I’m playin’ his ass.”  And boy, did James Dolan’s ass get played.


Every once in a while when you’re playing pogs, you look through that lunchbox of yours and find something rolling around . . . a Slammer you TOTALLY FORGOT YOU HAD![2] [3]  Jeremy Lin was that Slammer.  He dropped buckets, dollars, and wins on to a depleted NY franchise that had suffered as the last team in New York since the days of Isaiah Thomas.[4]  Then, when Amare, Melo, and Shumpert came back, what do you do?  You try to find a happy medium between your new and old Slammer(s).  But when you’re Slammer gets chipped, you obviously put it away until you get it fixed.  Jeremy Lin got chipped up and decided to sit the bench.  However, here is where humans prove they can never be pogs.  When Dolan wanted to put his super-slammer back out there, Lin the human said “I’m only 85%.”


James Dolan begins to go through the stages of grief and write long, sobbing emails to Dan Gilbert about what he should do to get his toys back and happy again.


All the while, Jeremy Lin did the exact thing he should’ve done; he tested the other lunchboxes in the schoolyard.  He happened to find another lunchbox that had zero Slammers, which needed one really badly.  My sources tell me[5] that now James Dolan let his Slammer go, in part, because he was upset that his toy wanted to leave.  What trash.


So now, we have Dan Gilbert in 2008 writing the 95 theses of how to act like a pre-pubescent 7 year – old, the Orlando Magic acting like a 8 year-old in love with Sally Jenkins (and can’t let go),[6] and now our most recent installment, James Dolan acting like the 9-year old on the monkey bars saying “nah-na nah-na boo-boo, I don’t have to sign you.”[7]  The only problem with this theory . . . Dan, you did have to sign him.


I’m sorry to say it, but Jeremy Lin was New York’s best hope for going deep into the playoffs. This is now a point-guard driven league.  Jeremy Lin was the only PG the Knicks had that was in-shape, had both ACL’s and wasn’t spoiled by the NY lifestyle.[8]  On top of that he killed Derek Fisher (something Steve Blake couldn’t do), and wait . . . didn’t he torch Jason Kidd last year when NY played and beat the Mavericks???  Further, I was stunned to find out that even after bouncing around that much; he was only 23 years old.  So why wouldn’t you treat him like a Kyrie Irving at Duke?  Kyrie obviously was not a bust, but c’mon you’d be crazy to put his 11 games at Duke above Jeremy Lin’s 25 starts in New York?


James Dolan should’ve treated Jeremy Lin like a rookie.  He should’ve treated him like an asset he desperately needed to take a risk on in this PG – driven league.  He didn’t.  Now, you can find him in NY, walking around with a lunchbox full of old Slammers that can’t get him past the first round.


[1] “…new era of the NBA”: The post-Kwame Brown era when owners decided to protect themselves they would limit the amount of money rookies could make, and like-wise players like LBJ and D-Wade decided to limit the amount of years they would sign on to stay in one place.  Funny, just like kids, even owners needed someone else to police themselves.  But now, they hate their own rules (restricted free agents, offer sheets, soon they’ll be complaining that they should be able to re-bid on their amnestied players . . . just watch . . . How I know?  I’ve played with “pogs” a lot.)

[2] Mine was a Michael Jordan “45” pog.  It was about the weight of a small child and could easily flip an enough cardboard that an entire room would need to be cleaned before a next turn.

[3] FYI:  Just had to make another note and thanks to Bill Simmons for re-inviting the footnote into the blogosphere.  What he did in footnotes in The Book of Basketball was probably the funniest **** in the book, and thus made the 500+ pages actually readable.  Some people argue about the third level of the Hall of Fame . . . Bill and his footnotes made it hilarious.  It is for this reason I use footnotes, anyone who doesn’t pay homage is lying . . . i.e. Thanks Bill.

[4] Isaiah’s only comments of the Slam Dunk contest he judged:  “He made me say ooh, he made me say aah.”  What a waste.  Some guys should never be GMs. Especially great players.  Danny Ainge, Danny Ferry are middle of the road guys, they can do that.  But for the greats, please just let us remember you that way.  But these same guys are too competitive.  Is it by happenstance, Bird, Magic, Michael, Isaiah, and most recently Shaq have been involved in front office politics?  No! They’re competitors.  So, here’s my first of many pleas . . . Kobe . . . PLEASE DON’T DO IT!

[5] a la Chris Broussard

[6] This works because when you’re in love and young you try EVERYTHING!  You’ll ignore her, make fun of her, go behind her back and tell her secrets to your head coach, you beg for her to stay, and then once she’s checked out, finally, you beg for her to come back.

[7] That rhyme doesn’t really translate to written form well, but you get what I mean . . if not, just say it a gain with your thumb on your nose and wave your fingers back and forth.

[8] Felton, Shumpert, and J. Kidd (respectively).


Kyle Williams

Kyle is a writer on Comedic Prose

Follow Kyle on Twitter @darealkwilliams

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