Found April 25, 2013 on Purple Jesus Diaries:
The day is finally here, Minnesota Vikings fans! The day you get to spend ogling young men do athletic events for you in tight shorts with rippling muscles! SO MASCULINE! But really, it's the NFL Draft tonight, and as ridiculous as the event typically is, and as little as I know about any actually prospects this year, it's still the closest thing we're all going to be getting to any football action for the next four months. So savor it. Savor it like it's a fine scotch you have been saving to buy. It's worth every penny. Most websites are digging deep into draft prospect data, mining minute pieces of information to try and place each player with a team in their mock drafts that always end up looking worse than my NCAA Tournament bracket. I think those people are stupid, and mock drafts are stupid. So I'm not going to sit here today and LIE to you, telling you who I think the Vikings are going to pick, or which sack of meat is going to fit best in a Cover-2 defense and other garbage like that. No sir. Instead, I'm just going to make some straight up predictions on things that simply WILL or WILL NOT happen for the Vikings during this year's draft. Straight forward, cut through the ****, and get you your answers so we can all go to bed and quit talking about it. Welcome to the Purple Jesus Diaries 2013 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off. Things That Will Happen Pretty simple. Here's a list of things that I am like a trillion percent sure WILL happen during the draft this year. Place your bets now, and take home the bank's entire vault. I will not do you wrong: - Manti Te'o is ending up on this team. Accept this now, weep your tears early, and then when you watch the draft with others you'll have no more moisture to embarrass yourself with. - Rick Spielman will inevitably pass on an awesome looking prospect because he maybe once peed on his girlfriend in the shower during college or something. Spielman only wants boring, character guys on this team! No one with a personality! - The Vikings NFL Draft Hat - and all Draft Hats for that matter - will look like hats made of human feces, and they'll try to sell you one on TV. Don't fall for that trap! - Todd McShay will make me want to punch him in the face at least 37 times throughout the weekend. - Toby Gerhart will get traded to help us move up in the second round to grab another potentially awesome receiver, and then we'll also draft Rex Burkhead from Nebraska and my boner will put a hole in the roof. Things That Won't Happen Likewise, here's a handful of items that I promise you WILL NOT happen at tonight, or throughout the draft. Guaranteed. The writing is on the wall, kids, and it's written in blood and semen: - Tyrann Mathieu, aka, "The Honey Badger" will definitely not be picked by the Vikings. Do you seriously think otherwise? The guy is a bigger head case than Percy Harvin. We just traded Percy for a bag of Funyons. Now you think they're going to draft Mathieu? Good luck, moron - The Vikings will not draft a new punter during this draft, because if they do that, I'll have to shut this blog down and create a new one that is full of death threats, and that seems like a poor idea for everyone involved. - Despite the best laid plans, VIKTOR the VIKING will not get to anally penetrate Roger Goodell on stage while he calls out the Vikings first draft pick. VIKTOR missed his plane, otherwise this totally would have happened. - The Vikings won't be drafting the wide receiver we want them too, because they never make things easy on themselves. They'll probably go defense-defense in the first round, or even trade up with both picks for another defensive player. It's infuriating. Things to Drink During the Draft (aka, Scotch of the Week) Surprise, it's scotch! Since the season ended, I picked up a bottle of Balvenie Caribbean Cask, and it is erotic. It's like sipping on the sweet tunes of Justin Timberlake and D'Angelo, taking each other's shirts off. The scotch is aged for 14 years in a Caribbean rum cask, giving it a bit more of a sweeter, smoother flavor profile. And the Balvenie bottles always look so cool, with a scripted label, weird glass shape, and fancy casing that I seem both rich and like a pirate when I drink it. Totally worth it. Go grab a bottle for yourself. Things to Look at During the Draft ****. You can look at ****. Specifically, the above pair of **** that are wearing an old version of the Minnesota Vikings jersey. UM, LADY, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?! The Vikings have a new jersey out! Women, am I right?! Things to Listen to During the Draft (Instead of Chris Berman's Fat Face) If you haven't been listening to the new Daft Punk song, "Get Lucky" on repeat for the last week, I want to fight your and all your children in a "Losers Die" battle royale. Get your **** together and listen to this. Things to Do During the Draft Keep coming back to PJD throughout the weekend for live chats in the comments and player reviews that probably actually won't get posted until Monday, because like hell if I'm going to work over the weekend. We'll have a draft thread up around 6:00 PM tonight and first round analysis on Friday. Come join the fun, and let's just hope we don't re-draft Troy Williamson! Enjoy the draft, everybody. [follow]
THE BACKYARD
BEST OF MAXIM
RELATED ARTICLES

The Minnesota Vikings Officially Unveil New Nike Uniforms

The Minnesota Vikings and Nike officially unveiled their new uniforms today for the 2013-2014 season and Adrian Peterson had the honor of being the model. You can see the home and away uniforms below. [Red Zone Channel Guy] Article found on: Next Impulse Sports
ROLL BACK PRICES

NFL QB's funny reaction to Rodgers' extension

Christian Ponder texted his wife and ESPN reporter Samantha Ponder that Aaron Rodgers got a fairly large extension and the exchange was very human and wonderful. Aaron just inked a new deal with the Packers which makes it so he has the largest salary in NFL history, and meanwhile Christian who is quarterback for the Vikings and making quite less was running errands at Walmart for...

Vikings land DT Sharrif Floyd with 23rd pick

With the Minnesota Vikings' first pick of the first round, at number 23, they jumped on the chance to select Florida's Sharrif Floyd, who surprisingly was still available. Overall, it was a big night for Minnesota, who via trades, were very busy with three picks. Sharrif Floyd was a junior who decided he was ready and declared for the NFL Draft with hi stock as high as...

First-round trade leaves Vikings without Day 2 picks

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. General manager Rick Spielman and the Minnesota Vikings worked overtime on the first night of the NFL Draft, securing three first-round picks and even making an under-the-radar move in free agency Thursday to pick up backup defensive end Lawrence Jackson. Friday might end up going down as a day of rest. The Vikings drafted Florida defensive tackle Sharrif Floyd...

Vikings' new uniforms end up being worst-kept secret

The secret is officially out. Again. The Minnesota Vikings unveiled their new uniforms Thursday prior to the start of the NFL Draft. A cross between Minnesota's throwback uniforms and a futuristic look, the new outfits got their first public viewing Thursday night at the team's draft party in the Metrodome. Earlier in the week, the designs were leaked as the Jacksonville...

Minnesota Vikings Select Cordarrelle Patterson 29th Overall

1.29 Minnesota Vikings Cordarrelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee (6-2, 216) Cordarrelle Patterson was selected by the Minnesota Vikings with the 29th overall pick of the 2013 NFL Draft. The Vikings traded back into the 1st round with the Patriots to acquire this pick giving them a total of three 1st round picks on the day. In taking Patterson they continued to upgrade their wide receiving...

Vikings and Dolphins Unveil New Uniforms (First Look)

Today Nike and the Minnesota Vikings/Miami Dophins unveiled the team’s new NFL Nike Elite 51 Uniform design for the 2013 NFL season. The Vikings uniform is a completely integrated system of dress featuring a modern representation of Viking folklore merged with a deeply respected football culture. The Dolphins uniform is a completely integrated system of dress featuring a refined...

Vikings Trade Up To Take Tennessee’s Cordarrelle Patterson

When the Minnesota Vikings announced they were giving up their second (No. 52), third (No. 83), fourth (No. 120), and seventh (No. 229) round picks to the New England Patriots, ESPN was confident that it was so the Vikings could pick up Manti Te’o. Well, ESPN was absolutely wrong. The Vikings gave up their later picks to draft Tennessee wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson. When...

Report: Vikings plan on jumping over the Bears to get Manti Te’o

According to Ian Rapoport of the NFL Network, both the Bears and Vikings want Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o and Minnesota plans on trading up to grab him. The #Vikings and #Bears love Manti Te’o. If Minnesota wants to grab him, they’ll need to jump up over Chicago. That’s what they plan to do — Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) April 25, 2013 Both teams need the help at linebacker...

Want a Look at the Minnesota Vikings New Uniform (and not just a peak)?

Now this look is not as good as the Miami Dolphins one, but you can still get a decent look at how the new Vikings uniforms are going to look. So those of you that have been doing what the team wanted so you could see all the sneak peeks--you can stop now. Here is the real deal: CONFIRMED Minnesota Vikings uniform leak: twitter.com/UniWatch/statu… — Paul Lukas (@UniWatch...

Barry Sanders Wins Madden 25 Cover Vote

Barry Sanders defeated current Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson for the illustrious honor of being on the cover of Madden 25. The Hall of Fame running back got 58 percent out of the 700,000 votes cast in the final round. Sanders also appeared on the 2000 version of the game. If somebody would have told me two years ago that Detroit Lions players would get on two consecutive...

The NFL and the casual fan relationship

I’ll admit it, when it comes to the NFL, I am a pretty casual fan.  Being a Minnesota Vikings fan will do that to a person.  It wasn’t always this way, I remember as a kid re-enacting spin moves out in the yard and diving to catch passes I threw to myself all while wearing my #20 Darrin Nelson jersey.  But this isn’t about how the Vikings have torn my heart out so many times...

Position Analysis: Safeties

With the re-signing of Jamarca Sanford, the Vikings don’t have a pressing need at safety, but this is a fairly deep draft class at the position. We go in-depth to review the stats, analysis, measurables and projections for the top 10 safeties.

Photo: Barry Sanders to grace cover of 'Madden'

For the second year in a row, a Detroit Lion will grace the cover of EA Sports' Madden NFL video game.Retired running back Barry Sanders won the vote after beating out Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson in the final round. Wide receiver Calvin Johnson appeared on the 2013 edition.More than 40 million fans voted for this year's cover athlete.The game, which...
NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.