A League in need of nicknames: the AFC North

Baltimore Ravens

Ed Reed → Granite Reed. "Granite" implies strength and solidity, but what I like most about it, as it relates to Ed Reed, is that it also has an air of permanence. It's always going to be there. When you need a tackle, Granite will be there. When you need a pass broken up, Granite will be there. When you need a big play for a touchdown, Granite will be there. Granite has no holes or weaknesses.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Casey Hampton → Burger Hampton. Every other star Steeler has a nickname of some kind of gimmick. "Big" Ben Roethlisberger (or, as I prefer, Large Benjamin), "Fast" Willie Parker, Hines Ward has his ever-present smile, and Troy Polamalu has his hair. But Casey Hampton's at least as valuable as any of them, and he's without any kind of nickname. It's not fair.

Cleveland Browns

Kellen Winslow → Paddles Winslow. The Browns are kind of a tough one, as Derek Anderson already has a fantastic nickname that commentators can't use, no one's sure if it's even worth giving Brady Quinn a nickname (though, if it was, I'd suggest "La Fogata" Quinn), and I don't know if Kellen Winslow is ever going to get away from the "Soldier" comments.

And believe me, I'll be using it as a source of cheap jokes for years and years to come. But I think someone on the current Browns roster needs a nickname to signify that resurrection of the Browns, and Winslow's gotta be the guy. No one knows who their QB of the future will be, and Winslow was there, giving the team a little spark and a little sizzle before anyone else.

Cincinnati Bengals

Carson Palmer → Cornhole Palmer. I love the thought of two 80-year-old guys on their porch, years from now, reminiscing about the Bengals glory days, "Ol' Cornhole Palmer," and his magical arm.

Now, I realize that this can't happen, as "cornhole," has a rather unsavory meaning, particularly when used as a verb and in a nonconsensual way. That's not how Carson Palmer means it, though, nor is it the meaning held by many well-intentioned, beanbag-tossing midwesterners. When you host the " Carson Palmer Cornhole Classic," though I think you've got to be ready for whatever people want to do with it.

And if you're bold enough to take the step and use it, it could refer to Carson Palmer's ability to, um, put the defense in a compromising position.

*yeah that last one is not gonna go over so well,specially with Palmer"