Stay the hell away from the Empire State Building. There's a lot of history but mostly it's an aged dump. Sort of like Yankee Stadium. Don't even bother with the observation deck. I'm sure the view from your penthouse will be even nicer, and you don't have to deal with pesky common folks.
You've probably already heard about the best bagels in the world. That it's something in the water that makes 'em so tasty. But let me fill you in on a little secret: They're not all that special. They're for damn sure better than the garbage you'll find at an IHOP in Wisconsin, but they're no different than what you'd find in most any other city worth its cream cheese. Bagels are bagels are bagels. The pizza, though, that's definitely head and shoulders above the rest. But if you're spotted eating a piece, and God forbid you throw even one interception, the tabloids will plaster Fatty Brett photos all over the papers, and you'll be accused of being lazy, selfish, and not caring about the success of the franchise.
Definitely check out Radio City Music Hall. That's where the Packers kept drafting all of that pesky competition. Aaron What's His Name. That other dude from Louisville who they picked up this year. Is this over your head, Brett? Have you never heard of Brian Brohm? If that's the case, let's just skip right past Matt Flynn.
The Lower East Side. Ten years ago the LES used to be edgy and alternative. Now it's blase blah. At least by Big Apple standards, which means it'll still probably scare the hell out of you. Lip rings! Tattoos! OMG, is that a falafel stand!!? What the hell is falafel? What the hell does OMG mean? Why are there no hofbraus? Somebody call my agent, stat.
If you get within 500 yards of Lindsay Lohan, that definitely means the two of you are sleeping with each other. That's not necessarily a bad thing, Brett. Perception is reality. But tread carefully. If you're photographed next to each other or even in the same room, that means you're leaving your wife, Lindsay's pregnant, and that before long you'll be petitioning the Commish to move the Jets to Los Angeles so you and L2 can raise your baby in peace. The New York Post never lies.
You've probably already heard about the best bagels in the world. That it's something in the water that makes 'em so tasty. But let me fill you in on a little secret: They're not all that special. They're for damn sure better than the garbage you'll find at an IHOP in Wisconsin, but they're no different than what you'd find in most any other city worth its cream cheese. Bagels are bagels are bagels. The pizza, though, that's definitely head and shoulders above the rest. But if you're spotted eating a piece, and God forbid you throw even one interception, the tabloids will plaster Fatty Brett photos all over the papers, and you'll be accused of being lazy, selfish, and not caring about the success of the franchise.
Definitely check out Radio City Music Hall. That's where the Packers kept drafting all of that pesky competition. Aaron What's His Name. That other dude from Louisville who they picked up this year. Is this over your head, Brett? Have you never heard of Brian Brohm? If that's the case, let's just skip right past Matt Flynn.
The Lower East Side. Ten years ago the LES used to be edgy and alternative. Now it's blase blah. At least by Big Apple standards, which means it'll still probably scare the hell out of you. Lip rings! Tattoos! OMG, is that a falafel stand!!? What the hell is falafel? What the hell does OMG mean? Why are there no hofbraus? Somebody call my agent, stat.
If you get within 500 yards of Lindsay Lohan, that definitely means the two of you are sleeping with each other. That's not necessarily a bad thing, Brett. Perception is reality. But tread carefully. If you're photographed next to each other or even in the same room, that means you're leaving your wife, Lindsay's pregnant, and that before long you'll be petitioning the Commish to move the Jets to Los Angeles so you and L2 can raise your baby in peace. The New York Post never lies.
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