There was a time in the not-too-distant past when the Giants were good at things like rushing the passer and tackling and covering wide receivers. Yeah, those days are long gone, along with the days of Survivor and Scrubs still being on the air.Wait. What? Those shows are still on the air?
Well it doesn't change the fact the Giants would probably give up a couple touchdowns to Appalachian State these days. Not that the Eagles defense is anything special either, but man, Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting could show up in court as that fake lawyer and provide a better defense than the Giants. The Giants defense...ya suspect!
I used to be able to watch a game like last night's and take solace in the fact that there's no shot the Eagles are winning a Super Bowl this year. And you'd think as bitter as I am and how much joy I gain from the failure of evil things that it would console me. But it doesn't anymore. I think I've become far too positive a person to even get a kick out of another Andy Reid playoff failure.
Just kidding. I'll laugh my balls off when Reid clock-manages and challenges his team out of timeouts and out of the playoffs, but right now, I'm coming to grips with the fact the Giants can't stop anyone. If you'll excuse me, I need to swing by the nearest Philaelphia Eagles bar and firebomb it.
Colts 28, Broncos 16: Ballgame over, homefield throughout the AFC playoffs over. Now, the real problem begins -- fantasy football. It's one thing to draft Peyton Manning or Joseph Addai or Reggie Wayne with the knowledge that in Week 17, maybe even in Week 16, that those guys might be rested. But rested in Week 15? Well this isn't some mundane detail, Michael. Some of us (Dallas Clark owner here) are screwed. In theory, the Colts can't take a month off then expect to be firing on all cylinders, but with a short week and nothing to play for, what happens now? Should I pick up Jim Sorgi? Oh, yeah, the Colts are 13-0 and beat the Broncos, who are now 8-5 and really only have a shot at the wild card. Brandon Marshall caught 21 passes, which is the record not only for catches in a game, but for catches in a game while on my fantasy team when it had a bye week. Christ. He won't catch five passes next week. Marshall was targeted 29 times Sunday. I haven't seen that many targets since I joined that gun club. Sorry. All these jokes can't be funny.
Saints 26, Falcons 23: A win is a win, but there must be some cause for concern when a Chris Redman-led offense is putting up 400 yards against you. The Saints D is really only good in fantasy because of its propensity for scoring TDs, which it hasn't done of late if you don't count the Robert Meachem fluke TD. Still, Drew Brees is heading for an MVP, the Saints have a bye locked up, and really, who is beating this team in the NFC? We should just cancel the season and let the Colts and Saints play a best-of-seven series.
Chargers 20, Cowboys 17: You'll have to trust me when I say this isn't hindsight, but I had to do a triple-take when I saw the Cowboys were favored in this game. The Cowboys, who react to December the way homeless people react to soap, are playing the Chargers, a team that hasn't lost in December since the Bush administration (I know), and the Cowboys are laying 3 points? Of course, the Cowboys never led in this game, and I now own 30 percent of the shares in Goldman Sachs. The Cowboys close the season at New Orleans, at Washington and at home against Philadelphia. So yeah, the Cowboys aren't making the playoffs. But at least you watch games in 3-D!
Vikings 30, Bengals 10: I'll admit it. I thought Brett Favre's struggles last week might've been a sign that he was beginning to crack. Sadly, Favre isn't Tony Romo, and the Bengals just didn't seem to care about bringing joy to my life through Favre's misery. It's not like Favre (17-30-192-1-1) was anything to write home about, but the Bengals seemingly didn't care about winning this game. By the by, do people still write home about stuff? Better yet, do people frame life events away from home as things they would write home about? The idea is that it's something great and awesome and you want to write home about it, but in theory, you'd be writing home to who? Your parents? You can't tell them about the really, really, really great stuff, can you? Say you're in college, and you somehow work a menage with two girls. Are you really writing home about that? "Hey, mom! You won't believe what this girl Francine can do with her mouth!" No, you're writing home about how classes are going. And really, is that interesting? No, no it is not. Hence, the phrase, "something to write home about" makes no sense.
Patriots 20, Panthers 10: A lot of people like to say that Wes Welker's great numbers with the Pats are solely because he has Randy Moss to distract defenses. There's a word for those people -- racist. I'm like 40 percent kidding. Welker is so fast, so good in the slot (that's what she said) yet his accomplishments are diminished because of an athletically gifted guy with a homeless beard. Well, hobo Moss has just 11 catches in the Pats' last four games. Welker? He had 10 for 105 yesterday and has 41 over his last four games. This is like when I was winning Porn Star of the Year back in the 1990s, but everyone was saying my great performances were because of working with Jenna Jameson in her prime. When I look at the four Golden Boners on my mantel, do you think I don't feel as though I earned them because I shot more than 200 scenes with Jenna? Do you think Welker will feel that way when he's polishing his (metaphorical) Golden Boners for his career's work? Sorry, pal. Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Packers 21, Bears 14: If you enjoy watching (or reading) a Bears fan suffer during the ebb and flow of a game, I suggest following Sharapova's Thigh on Twitter. You get the occasional moment of happiness sprinkled with enough negativity to make that grandpa puppet of Jeff Dunham look positive. Yeah, that Jeff Dunham is a genius. You see, the puppets make the jokes and say the things humans can't say! HA! Anyhoosit, the Bears suck, and the Packers are closing in on a playoff spot, which is awesome because I predicted a Chargers-Packers Super Bowl this year. It's not as though that's the likely showdown, but hell, one of my teams usually dies in a plane crash or loses its QB early in the season, like last year when I predicted Marshall would face New England in the Super Bowl. In case you haven't figured this out yet, I have a loose grasp on sports knowledge and what is fiction and what is reality.
Ravens 48, Lions 3: So Ray Rice goes top 5 in every fantasy draft next year, right? After 218 yards and a TD in barely three quarters against the Lions, clearly he deserves that position. OK, so maybe the timing is off. But he's going to wind up with 2,000 yards of total offense, and he's spent part of the season sharing time with Willis McGahee. Imagine if he's the sole guy? Meanwhile, Kevin Smith's career might've ended thanks to a sniper's well-placed bullet that took him out. He's done for the season and maybe even the start of the next year. Luckily with the way contracts are in the NFL, Smith can take his time rehabbing and not worry about being forced to take a buyout.
Dolphins 14, Jaguars 10: In this day and age of salary-cap football, it's hard to tell which teams are good and which ones are poop. I would like to vote the 2009 Jacksonville Jaguars as the hardest team to figure out in the history of the NFL. First off, how they were 7-5 entering the weekend is a mystery. Then how they lose at home to Chad Henne and the Ronnie Brown-less Dolphins is as confusing as watching Memento if you have a short-term memory disorder of your own. I've said it once and I'll say it again -- Tony Sparano wins coach of the year today even if the Dolphins lose out. They have a rookie QB and an over-the-hill stoner carrying the offense, and they're a game behind the Patriots in the AFC East. I see no way the Jags are competitive with the Colts (assuming they try) at home on Thursday night week, so I'm going to have to start doing the opposite in George Costanza style and bet my life saving on Jacksonville.
Jets 26, Bucs 3: Is Kellen Clemens handsome? I don't know. He's OK. I'm comfortable enough in my righteous heterosexuality to comment on a man's looks. Is he as good-looking as Mark Sanchez? Absolutely not. If you put a stick of butter on Sanchez's abs, it would melt in 0.4 seconds. Where am I going with all these super-gay images? I don't know, but I'm lost in a world of men in short shorts on roller skates. Oh, that's right. Mark Sanchez sucks. So does Kellen Clemens. But Clemens is wise enough to not get picked off every fifth pass, giving his team the best possible chance to win. His numbers against the Bucs (12-23-111-0-0) are pukish to put it nicely, but zero turnovers is what you need when you have a good running game and defense. Ben Roethlisberger piggybacked his way to two Super Bowls with that formula. I guess what I'm saying is the Jets might be 9-4 instead of 7-6 if they didn't have a rookie QB who gives up the ball more than a freshman sorority sister gives up her pride and ability to say no at her first mixer. Really, this is a Jets-Bucs recap, so I'm doing everything I can to distract you from the game and the fact that the Jets are 7-6. Hey look! Tiger Woods is having sex with an endangered bear!
Texans 34, Seahawks 7: Remember how Bill Simmons said no one's heard of Titans running back Chris Johnson because his name isn't flashy like Barry Sanders? Forget about it being the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Doesn't everyone know who Andre Johnson is? He's in the exact same situation as Chris. Great player, similar name, on a crappy team. Yet everyone knows who Andre Johnson is. Why? Is it because he's been in the league six years, while Chris Johnson has been around for less than two, and he split time his first year, and this year he plays on a terrible team? Nah, it's because his name is plain! I thought Simmons checked out when his cartoon started many years ago, but this boring name theory of his really is amazingly stupid. Adrian Peterson's name is so common that there's another guy who plays the same position in the same division as him. Yet I'm pretty sure everyone knows Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings. Sorry for the rant, but the boring name thing is so painfully, astronomically, off-the-charts stupid that it angers me because I now get angry every time I hear Chris Johnson's name.
Titans 47, Rams 7: Seriously. Chris Johnson had 186 total yards and 2 TDs yesterday. But he's just not that popular because of his name. If only his name was Zap Dingbats or Poo Pooplatter, then he'd be so much more famous. It has nothing to do with him being relatively new to the league and playing in Nashville or ESPN dedicating 95 percent of its coverage to about five players. It's his name! Man, if only I could come up with such clever and innovative ideas like Bill Simmons! Hey! Right now, I'm making the Bill Simmons Face, the one where I realize I can just say whatever dumb thing comes to my mind and people will eat it up based entirely on my time 10 years ago when I was the most groundbreaking writer there was! Ready? New theory! The Patriots lost in the Super Bowl to the Bears because of their uniforms! Cut me a check, America!
Redskins 34, Raiders 13: In what has to be the most devastating sports news to hit Oakland since the World Series earthquake, Bruce Gradkowski left the game after hurting both knees. That meant the return of JaMarcus Russell, who brought fans to his knees by playing. The Redskins blew this game open behind a gaggle of running backs I've never heard of and Jason Campbell. In related news, me and my friend are still open to discussing taking the Raiders GM job next season.
Bills 16, Chiefs 10: Yeah, we have to recap all the games. It's about being diligent. So hey, how much more money does Matt Cassel (4 INTs yesterday) earn per year than you? I know. It hurts, doesn't it? In 12 games, he has 13 TDs and 13 INTs. I'm not saying the guy doesn't have potential to turn things around next year, but right now, he's making millions based on one season throwing the ball to those Moss and Welker guys. Meanwhile, Ryan Fitzpatrick found a way to win while throwing for just 86 yards. Drew Brees throws for that in one play some weeks. Bills interim coach Perry Fewell is 2-2 since taking over for Dick Jauron, which makes me think it's time for him to start doing commercials. What could he endorse? How about Rocket Fuel (Fewell) Malt Liquor? Damn!
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