A Letter from Jim Fassel to Al Davis

Rumor has it that former Giants coach Jim Fassel sent a letter to Al Davis expressing his interest in coaching the Raiders. I bet the letter went something like this: Dear Mr. Davis: My name is Jim Fassel and I am very interested in being the next coach of the Oakland Raiders. The following are reason why I feel I would make a good coach for you. First, I am a tool. I will have press conference in which I'll put all my chips on the table and give the Oakland Raiders that soundbytes and attention they truly deserve. When you speak, not only will I listen. I will obey. I am so desperate to coach against, I'll personally change your Depends and clean your bedpan whenever you want. That even includes halftime or during the 2-minute drill. Second, I have playoff experience....sort of. I've been there, but I'll never take your team there in consecutive years. This is good, because you'll know when you can book your trips to Boca Raton, the Evel Knievel museum or get your custom made Hanes Sweatsuits refitted. Third, I own a BeDazzeler. Imagine how sharp your trademark blacksweat suits would look with the Rhinestones. It would be Liberace meeting The Cryptkeeper. Classic. It would also take the focus off your liver sport. Fourth, if you called my sideline and told me to go deep, I'd send Robert Gallery as well. It might be a 10 yard penalty, but it'll throw the defense. We can call it Wild Al formation. If Joe Paterno can coach from the sidelines, so can we. Oops, I mean you. Fifth, I consulted with Brian Billick last year. He's just an offensive genius, you're the total genius. No one knows football like you. You've always had an eye for talent, Shanahan, Gruden, Callahan, Kiffin. If they listened to you sir, they'd be successful. Please sir, give this opportunity to be the next tool of the Oakland Raiders. I am desperate. I can't pay the bills and need the money bad. Plus, I'm just mentally retarded enough to take this job and be your second fiddle. Love, Jim Fassel e-mail: jimfassel@moron.com (If you don't know how to use e-mail, call me at 3:30, I'll show you). You know what is sad about this whole thing? Jim Fassel is a good guy and deserve a better coaching job than this.