Found November 28, 2012 on
Purple Jesus Diaries:
In a surprise move of the 2012 NFL season, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has finally come to terms with his own body and made a sports-media shattering announcement. He has finally come out of the blanket and revealed himself to be a 5 year old boy, which actually explains a whole lot.
"I just felt it was time," he said while eating a Pop Tart at a recent press conference. "I finally realized that even the smallest of boys can have the biggest dreams, and it's time I started living those. And, I needed to tell Coach McCarthy about this so I could stop skipping nap time at practice. That always makes me cranky."
Aaron Rodgers, the Super Bowl winning quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, has faced much adversity as such a young boy. At only 5-years old, he is certainly the youngest person to start an NFL game, at any position, and certainly the youngest player to win a Super Bowl. But none of those things matter as much as being able to escape the shadow of the monster under his bed that was keeping this secret hidden from everyone.
"I'm finally able to carry that Dora the Explorer backpack around at training camp and not have everyone assume that I'm a rookie," he mentioned while pushing a Hasbro car back and forth on the training room floor. "I don't have to explain why I'm not married anymore, either. Or who that guy is that lives with me in my apartment in Green Bay. I mean, I'm five! Of course I'm not married. That lady that I've been seen with recently is just my mom, and the guy that lives with me is just my dad. It's no big conspiracy or anything."
Teammates were understandably surprised by the news. "I knew I was always the oldest guy on the team," said wide receiver Donald Driver, "but this is outrageous. I'm like 32 years older than him. 32! It's freaky, but not as freaky as the fact that a 5 year old child can grow a pedophile mustache as well as he can. What the hell, right?"
To Rodgers, it doesn't matter though. "Finally, I can feel comfortable in my OshKosh B'Gosh overalls," he said as he slid another phone book under his seat on the chair to look our interviewer in the eye. "I'm a man, just like everyone else. The fact that I'm basically a baby maybe makes this all the more impressive. And despite the fact that I feel much better about telling everyone else about it, I just ... I guess I still can't shake this feeling that there are some people out there who may treat me differently now that they know I'm 5. And that bothers me. Maybe I'll just take a nap ... But I'm worried what will happen when I close my eyes ..."
*Satire! These people obviously didn't say these things. However, as far as I know that is a real picture of Rodgers as a 5 year old. Not the one with Favre in the background, just the first one ...
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