Week 1 is in the books, and with it came the unpredictable, crazy, and unexpected turnover of the NFL which leads to wild speculation. THE REDSKINS ARE GOOD! MARK SANCHEZ FOR MVP! THE 49ERS ARE A DYNASTY…AFTER WEEK1! And so on and so forth. More importantly, however, the NFL gave us our weekly dose of delicious meltdowns. There are some surpirses (no Romo?) and some unsurprises (Jags and Browns still terrible!), but it’s still just as tasty. Come for the failure, stay for the pictures of rich people playing a game looking silly.
Happy Blaine Gabbert is extremely satisfied about this effort
5. The Jaguars might win their opening game? Oh, no, just kidding
Jacksonville is a pretty terrible team who didn’t get their best offensive player onto the roster until about a week before the season started. But despite all of that, Blaine Gabbert came out and looked very un-Gabberty, throwing for 260 yards and two touchdowns and put the Jags ahead by 3 with a touchdown pass and two-point conversion with just 20 seconds to go in the game! Surely, the Jags could hold up for 20 whole seconds, right? Eh, not so much. The Vikings went 32 yards in those 20 seconds and kicked a field goal as time expired to force overtime.
Then Jacksonville got a chance to kick the tires on the new overtime rules, getting the ball in overtime after Minnesota had kicked another field goal to go up 26-23. However, Gabbert returned to Gabbert-form and the Jags failed to get a first down as their quarterback launched a deep pass out of bounds on fourth-and-two. He did give you four quarters of pretty-okayness, though Jags fans, so this one isn’t all on Blaine.
This guy scored 48 points? This guy??
4. The Bills are going to make us hear about how good the Jets are
And for that, we may never forgive them. Yes, the Buffalo Bills gave up 48 points, the most in Jets’ history for an opening week game and the most in the NFL in Week 1, to a team that failed to score an offensive touchdown with their first or second team offense in the entirety of the preseason. They even teases our need to see some epic Jets-fail by picking off Sanchez on the first drive after a terrible decision (but not atypical of the Jets’ signal caller) to throw back across his body into traffic at an unsuspecting receiver. Instead, that same Sanchez (pictured above how we expect to see him) finished with 266 yards and three touchdowns. AND THERE WASN’T EVEN A SINGLE TEBOW CHANT!! Boo on you Bills. Boo. On. You.
“I WIN DA FOOBAW”
3. The Rams are big fans of Matt Stafford’s late-game heroics
Matt Stafford has made a name for himself in his young career for engineering some late-game heroics. The Rams have enjoyed watching it over the years and decided it was time they got written into the history themselves. So, after picking Stafford off three times in the game, they forgot how to play defense and let the Lions drive down the field through the air, and Stafford got to throw the game-winning touchdown pass with 10 seconds left. Stafford got to celebrate like he was Joe Montana after “The Catch” and the Rams get to keep being the Rams, Jeff Fisher be damned. There’s something to be said for the status quo.
“Stupid Victor and his stupid dancing. Darnit to heck!”
2. ‘The thing about the salsa, you see, is you don’t have to use your hands’ -Victor Cruz
The season kicked off on Wednesday with the Cowboys and Giants playing for what felt like the 100th consecutive time on primetime. The defending champs were looking to continue the streak of success of Super Bowl champs playing the opening game, but instead became the first team since the 1999 Denver Broncos to follow up a Lombardi Trophy with a week 1 loss. Helping them along to their disappointing start of a title defense was the offense’s inability to catch or hold on to a football. The worst offender? Last season’s breakout star Victor Cruz who took his salsa dancing TD celebration on tour this offseason. But after dropping four passes on Wednesday, maybe he should have worked in a little hand-work from time to time. YOU WON’T GET TO TALK TO KELLY RIPA IF YOU DROP PASSES, VICTOR.
I think he just Browned himself
1. Cleveland finds the only way to lose a game where you get four interceptions
The Cleveland-Philadelphia game looked like one of the snoozers on the Week 1. Obviously the Eagles would get their stuff together and start off 2012 much better than the disappointment of 2011, right? Well, not so fast. Mike Vick threw FOUR INTERCEPTIONS on the day while throwing the ball 56 times. Whoever came up with that gameplan is likely being reassigned this week. But the Browns still couldn’t win, even with the game handed to them, because their aged rookie quarterback Brandon Weeden threw four interceptions of his own.
And unlike Vick, who redeemed himself a bit with 317 yards and a pair of touchdowns, including the game winner with just over a minute to go, Weeden gave his team NOTHING. Well, as close to nothing as possible. Just 118 yards, no touchdowns, a pair of sacks and a quarterback rating of 5.1. So, congratulations Brandon Weeden, you’re our number one meltdown to start the season! Savor it, because it might be one of the few Sundays you get to play in your career.
(All pics via)
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