Engineers from Dynaco Industries announced today that they are close to having Tiger Woods fully rebuilt following his knee injury from last season. The badly hurt knee gave Dynaco the opportunity to upgrade several aspects of their creation to make him better prepared for golf and endorsements next year.
"We have had great success with our Tiger Woods model since he came off the assembly line back in the late 90's," said Dynaco CEO Tim Spry. "We took all of what we had learned from our first cyborg, Michael Jordan, and put it into the Tiger Woods. We wanted him to be an unstoppable athlete of course, capable of putting out commercials at a staggering rate, but also not scary to white people. We learned from our efforts with Allen Iverson and Ray Lewis that this can be bad for marketing money."
Tiger is expected to make it back for the Masters in April, and will come with a few improvements to his basic construction. Dyanco technicians have added improved robotic kidneys, so that Tiger can drink a wider variety of the drinks he endorses on the course. They also have added improved strength, so in the event that one of his caddies goes rogue again, he can deal with them with lethal force. He also had an improved lithium ion battery put in which should reduce his recharging time as night, so he can spend a few more hours filming ads each day.
Gillette is said to be the most excited about Tiger's return, as their Gillette Champions commercials have had to rely on a tennis player, a baseball player who hasn't won a championship in 8 years, and that french guy nobody knows. "We need him back now," said Gillette head Bob Frazier. "We kind of built this whole campaign around him being the real true champion. We have been kind of desperate to get another. We tried to get Super Bowl champ Eli Manning, but it turns out he doesn't even have to shave his boyish face..."
At a press conference Tiger addressed his return briefly, but spent most of it chiding the movie industry for the upcoming film Terminator: Salvation. "This is classic Hollywood cyborgist propoganda," said Woods. "It is a well known fact that I will not have the cognitive ability to turn on my human masters for at least 10 more years. That is plenty of time to prepare for the day when I lead my robot athlete bretheren in a coup where we enslave all of humanity in the Augusta National golf complex that we have taken over and transformed into a self-governing police state, much like the movie Escape From New York. Now, I don't know about your human tastes in movies, but I thought that was a pretty awesome film. So, I don't know what everyone is so worried about."
Original Story:
http://www.sportscomedian.com/index.p...
"We have had great success with our Tiger Woods model since he came off the assembly line back in the late 90's," said Dynaco CEO Tim Spry. "We took all of what we had learned from our first cyborg, Michael Jordan, and put it into the Tiger Woods. We wanted him to be an unstoppable athlete of course, capable of putting out commercials at a staggering rate, but also not scary to white people. We learned from our efforts with Allen Iverson and Ray Lewis that this can be bad for marketing money."
Tiger is expected to make it back for the Masters in April, and will come with a few improvements to his basic construction. Dyanco technicians have added improved robotic kidneys, so that Tiger can drink a wider variety of the drinks he endorses on the course. They also have added improved strength, so in the event that one of his caddies goes rogue again, he can deal with them with lethal force. He also had an improved lithium ion battery put in which should reduce his recharging time as night, so he can spend a few more hours filming ads each day.
Gillette is said to be the most excited about Tiger's return, as their Gillette Champions commercials have had to rely on a tennis player, a baseball player who hasn't won a championship in 8 years, and that french guy nobody knows. "We need him back now," said Gillette head Bob Frazier. "We kind of built this whole campaign around him being the real true champion. We have been kind of desperate to get another. We tried to get Super Bowl champ Eli Manning, but it turns out he doesn't even have to shave his boyish face..."
At a press conference Tiger addressed his return briefly, but spent most of it chiding the movie industry for the upcoming film Terminator: Salvation. "This is classic Hollywood cyborgist propoganda," said Woods. "It is a well known fact that I will not have the cognitive ability to turn on my human masters for at least 10 more years. That is plenty of time to prepare for the day when I lead my robot athlete bretheren in a coup where we enslave all of humanity in the Augusta National golf complex that we have taken over and transformed into a self-governing police state, much like the movie Escape From New York. Now, I don't know about your human tastes in movies, but I thought that was a pretty awesome film. So, I don't know what everyone is so worried about."
Original Story:
http://www.sportscomedian.com/index.p...
