Originally written on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 10/24/14
The Patriots are having trouble in defending anybody. Their defensive line doesn’t seem to be getting to the quarterback, their inside linebackers are terrible in pass coverage and their secondary is a rotating band of misfit draft picks who  routinely get benched in favor offensive players. They gave up 31 points to the Bills last week. It’s a bad, bad situation over in Foxboro. The good news is that the Patriots brought in Aqib Talib and his suspension is over, so he will likely be on the field this weekend. As long as he has two arms, he’ll be an improvement of Alfonzo Dennard. But lest you think the Patriots have stopped there, fear not. Bill Belichick is steadfast in his pursuit of improvement, even if the defense has been horrible five-plus years now. No one’s counting. That’s why Belichick brought in a few new guys today to see if he could turn things around. This is from some guy named “Field Yates” at ESPNBoston.com: Finally, the Patriots worked out a pair of linebackers on Tuesday, according to a source: Mister Alexander and Dom DeCicco. Alexander was released by the Texans on Oct. 31, while DeCicco was last with the Bears, who released him on Aug. 29. Don’t worry about Dom DeCicco. I’m sure he’s horrible, just like most of the castoffs we bring on board midseason who inevitably last two games and then get cut. No, I won’t you to focus on the other man there – Mister Alexander. He’s a linebacker, and according to his not-so-extensive Wikipedia page, he was cut by the Texans and played his college ball at Florida State. Being a Seminole, that would explain the reason that his parents couldn’t come up with a name for their son other then MISTER. There are only two logical scenarios for how this happened. The first is sort of a “Who’s on first” situation, where Mister Alexander’s parents – Mr. and Mrs. Alexander – went to the hospital and wound up confusing the hell out of the doctor. Doctor: Mr. Alexander, it’s a boy Mr. Alexander: One day, he’ll be the next Mr. Alexander Doctor: Who’s the first Mr. Alexander? Mr. Alexander: Well I’m Mr. Alexander, sir.  Mrs. Alexander: You sure are, big boy. Mr. Alexander: Quiet, Mrs. Alexander. Not in front of the Doctor. Doctor: Well Mr. Alexander, your son looks just like you. Mr. Alexander: Gonna go grow up to be quite a man. Mrs. Alexander: Let me hold my little Mr., Doctor. Doctor: Mrs. Alexander, here’s you’re little Mr. Mr. Alexander: I thought I was your Mr. Alexander?  Mrs. Alexander: Shhhh, he’s asleep. (Doctor walks away befuddled, signs birth certificate with name “Mister Alexander”) Or, scenario 2, in which the Alexander family just decided that “mister” was a strong name: Mr. Alexander: Mrs. Alexander, what should we name our boy? Mrs. Alexander: Let’s name him Mister. Mr. Alexander: I love you Mrs. Alexander. Mrs. Alexander: I love you, Mr. Alexander. And I love you (patting her stomach) Mister Alexander (everybody laughs. Mr. Alexander proceeds to mount Mrs. Alexander while Mister Alexander cries) I’m already looking forward to his first meeting with Bob Kraft. Alexander: Mr. Kraft, it’s great to finally meet you. Kraft: I’m sorry young man, it’s hard to keep track of all the faces coming and going here at the Stadium. What is your name? Alexander: I’m Mister Alexander, sir. Kraft: (laughs) I like a proper gentleman! I’m Mr. Kraft! But you can call me Bob – all the guys do. What may I call you? Alexander: Mister, sir. Kraft: (awkwardly laughs) Okay son, that’s very good. What’s your name. Alexander: It’s Mister, Bob.  Kraft: You have some nerve you little ****.  Alexander: Bob, I thought we were friends? I’m sorry. Kraft: Nice to meet you, “Mister.” ******* kids… Alexander: Why does this keep happening? And that’s how you have to keep yourself entertained when you have the worst defense in the NFL for the second consecutive year. Here’s to hoping that the Pats give Mister Alexander a shot. He can’t be any worse then Mr. Gregory, Mr. Chung, Mr. McCourty, Mr. Ninkovich or Mr. Spikes.
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