Originally written on PSAMP  |  Last updated 11/20/14
Ok so Twitter finally rolled out downloadable Twitter archives for most everyone after testing it with smaller groups. And with that comes everyone going through their old, now-insignificant quips and attaching some sort of memory or weight to any given 15-20 words. I've done it. Man, I'm lucky to have seen multiple Steelers Super Bowls and a Pens Stanley Cup during my Twitter lifetime. Better believe I checked out my mental state those days. While the general population has now been losing brain cells to 5-year old tweets, the Roman Catholic is losing their Pope to...~10 years of exhaustion? Sorry that was a horrible segue, but the Pope stepping down is big news. You don't have a once-in-600-years kinda development without some sort of social earthquake. One of my recurring jokes on Twitter is to nominate culturally-relevant people for the impossible task of being Pope. Sidney Crosby scored a goal? Sidney Crosby for Pope. If you can dominate everyone in a given sport that involves skates on ice on top of the entire athletic aspect of the game, you gotta be able to give Pope-ing a go. And with Pope Benedict stepping down right around the same time my Twitter archive became available, it only seems fair to go back and see everyone I've ever nominated for Pope, because hey, the job is staggeringly available all of a sudden. That was a way better segue. Forget you read the 2nd paragraph. I'll put these in chronoligical order, from my earliest nomination to Matt Cooke just last night, after the jump. Let's slice through who should be Pope: 1. dion lewis for pope (December 5, 2009) Number-14 Pitt lost to Number-5 Cincinatti 45-44, and Lewis had 194 yards on an incredible 47 carries and 3 rushing TDs. 5 catches for 34 yards as well. Papal nomination deserved in the loss. 2. TK for pope (January 3, 2010) Tyler Kennedy scored to open the game. Then Sid scored. Then the Florida Panthers crapped out 6 straight goals. Game-opening goals will get you nominated. 3. r kelly for pope (February 5, 2010) R Kelly rules and should be pope. 4. FLEURY FOR POPE!!!!EFslswlb (April 8, 2010) From that recap, the final regular season home game in Civic Arena history: "Penguins G Marc-Andre Fleury has won his last six starts at home against the Islanders. He made three stops in 3 seconds during a short-handed flurry in front of the net during the second period." 5. terry crews for pope (June 14, 2010) Terry Crews was President Camacho and talked about Steelers once. Terry Crews should be our next Pope. 6. jacob isom for pope (October 30, 2010) Jacob Isom was some skateboarder who saved a Koran from burning. Very pope-like. 7. manny sanders for pope (October 31, 2010) Steelers lost to the Saints 20-10. Manny Sanders had 1 catch for 21 yards. Must've been some Vatican-shaking reception. 8. michalek for pope (November 15, 2010) OT loss to the Rangers. Michalek with 18 minutes of ice time and 2 shots. Must've dominated someone defensively. Hopefully Brandon Dubinsky. Brandon Dubinsky sucks. 9. manny sanders for pope (December 19, 2010) Manny with 2 nominations within a month and a half. And anothor nomination in a Steelers loss, this one 22-17 to the Jets. Ew. 7 receptions for 78 yards for Manny. He DID get the banner image in my recap at that link. 10. engelland for pope (March 15, 2011) 5-1 Pens win over the Senators, who we also beat last night! Engo fought Chris Neil. Here's the fight from Hockey Fights. ENGO SMASH. Chris Neil is a stain. Engo went 10-2-1 in fights that season. Tell me he wouldn't be the best Pope. 11. dmx for pope ARF ARF (August 25, 2011) DMX would be a very short, loud Pope. 12. richard park for pope (October 11, 2011) 4-2 win over the Panthers. Dick Park gets his first of the season short-handed to put the Pens up 3-1 just minutes after Florida cut the lead to to 1. Park should've gotten the papcy right there. 13. martin mull for pope (October 20, 2011) I had tweeted something about Mull's character on Arrested Development, super-investigator Gene Parmesan. And then Twitter responded with unlimited Gene Parmesan replies. It was Martin Mull bliss for a brief slice of time. Guaranteed Gene Parmesan could slip in and be Pope with no one noticing. 14. Dana heinze for pope djdjdjd (November 25, 2011) The Pens honored equipment manager Dana Heinze, who was overseeing his 1,500th Pens game. Intense. 15. Maf for pope (January 6, 2012) 3-1 loss to the Rangers :( 16. kunitz for pope (March 18, 2012) 3-2 OT loss to the Flyers. Puke. Kuni had 20 minutes of ice time, a cross-checking penalty in the 2nd, a roughing penalty in the 3rd, was a -1 and had 8 shots. Man the first ~80 days of 2012 were rough on my papal nominations. 17. jason mantzoukas for pope (July 18, 2012) Are you kidding me? The only downside to this nomination is everyone from all the other religions would immediately convert to Catholicism and crowd up all the churches. 18. Antonio brown for pope (August 25, 2012) 1 year to the day after DMX's nomination, I was already making the move to Steelers receiver Antonio Brown. 7 catches for 108 yards and 2 TDs in this past preseason's rout of the Bills. 19. Bill Clinton for king and Pope and grand galactic inquisitor (September 5, 2012) 2012 Democratic National Convention. Unreal Clinton speech. 20. drugs delaney for Pope hhdjdkdkfjf (September 7, 2012) How many popes named Drugs could you possibly associate with? 21. replacement refs for pope (September 25, 2012) The day after the botched TD/INT that got the regular refs back on the job. 22. barry zito for pope (October 24, 2012) Here's a weird one. Barry Zito pitched a hell of a Game 1 in the 2012 World Series. 23. Byron Leftwich for pope (November 14, 2012) Big Byron was announced as the starter for the first Ravens game of the season due to Ben Roethlisberger's injury. Unfortunately it took the next go-around with the Ravens and Chuck Batch to get a win. 24. Magoo for pope (November 22, 2012) Mr. Magoo is an ancient dude who can barely see. Pretty much an express track to the papacy. 25. cortez allen for pope (November 25, 2012) Steelers defense played well in a loss to the Browns. Cortez had 4 tackles, one on a Josh Cribbs punt return. 26. katt for pope (December 3, 2012) See the DMX explanation video in above nomination number 11. 27. track 4 for pope Download maticulous' Christmas Beats Sampler. You'll get what I mean, 28. POPE FOR POPE DHJKDSHG (December 30, 2012) Leonard Pope (YESSSSSS) scored a TD and got the PSAMP recap banner picture in the final Steelers game of the season. Pope Pope would be an unreal name. 29. i hope neville becomes pope at the end of all this. and hermoine becomes a superwhore (January 3, 2013) The only PSAMP papal nomination not in standard "x for pope" format. The NHL lockout saw me livetweet my first exerience with Harry Potter by forcing myself to watch the entire movie series. I gotta say that this is a pretty healthy wish. 30. but will the new seattle basketball team get Squatch?! thats the only thing that matters. Squatch for pope (January 9, 2013) The Sacramento Kings were announced to be moving to Seattle. Imagine Pope Squatch as mascot. New-Seattle would never lose. 31. phil lynott for pope (January 15, 2013) Thin Lizzy kicks ass. Not up for discussion. 32. Scuds for pope (January 19, 2013) NHL season-opening game after the lockout. ~20 minutes of the Cup-Champion Kings opener was shown prior to the Pens opener, and we got a glimpse of former Penguin Rob Scuderi. I'd love to see him back in Pittsburgh. Or in Vatican City. 33. Tanner glass for Pope (January 20, 2013) Pens season-opening weekend. 2nd game was against the Rangers, and Tanner Glass dropped the gloves with former Penguin Arron Asham, beating the noted pugilist (I'm a homer). Welcome to Pittsburgh, Tanner Glass. Go be pope. 34. mark eaton for brittle pope (January 23, 2013) Mark Eaton only played 71 games combined in his first 2 seasons with the Pens. They re-signed him to a minor league tryout last month. He will always be given a Pope's welcome in Pittsburgh for scratching his name on Lord Stanley's fabled Cup with the 2008-09 Pens. 35. Vokoun for backup goalie pope (January 25, 2013) Papal nominations really ratcheted up with the return of the Penguins. Vokoun took a loss on January 25th. Ok. 36. bortuzzo for templar pope (February 3, 2012) If Ezio Auditore didn't kill some templar pope named Robert Bortuzzo then I was only half-paying attention to the names of the bad guys in Assassin's Creed. Bortuzzo had an assist and was a +2 in a 6-3 win over the Capitals. 37. boomer esiaiason for pope apparently, the only one asking about the murder (February 3, 2013) Super Bowl pre-game coverage. If not for Boomer Esiason, the casual human might've thought Ray Lewis was an angel baby. 38. tanner glass for pope (February 5, 2013) Tanner Glass has now been nominated for Pope after both his fights (both wins) this season. He took out Matt Martin of the Islanders in this one. 39. cryogenic george harrison for pope (February 11, 2013) Speaks for itself. 40. lemon lime for pope (February 12, 2013) Name a better Gatorade flavor. 41. Matt cooke for pope (February 13, 2013) Get real. GIF via Pensblog --- Other Pope-stuffs on PSAMP: Pittsburgh Needs A Sports Pope
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