Found February 14, 2013 on
Purple Jesus Diaries:
Hey there, randy readers. Thanks for stopping by to get your shaft wet this Valentine's Day. If you purposefully choose to visit Purple Jesus Diaries today because you knew you had to perform later tonight and needed your mojo in high order for the midnight hour, well ... You're in luck. We're bringing out the anal beads for this special occasion, and are glad you stopped by.
Today's theme is simple: Hop on to a recent Twitter hashtag meme (#CandyHeartRejects) and turn it around to some Minnesota Vikings player fun. While 4 year old Percy Harvin and I certainly wish you a happy Valentine's Day today, we also want to remind you that it's not all romance and roses. Don't forget to pull some hair, bite a nipple, lick a butthole, all the usual stuff. Show someone you REALLY love them, you know? By zip tying her wrists together.
Anyway, let's have some fun today and talk about dirty stuff. Join us in the comments with your ideas about rejected candy hearts from Vikings players, and we'll get you started with some of our own here, after the jump:
For the purpose of this exercise, we present to you TOTALLY REAL (*fake) submissions to the Candy Heart Company (is that an LLC?) that were made by Vikings players who were hoping to do something unique for their Valentine. As you can see, all of these were rejected, but that doesn't mean some of them weren't smart as hell. If we missed any, let us know in the comments:
Adrian Peterson: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION?
Percy Harvin: UR SMOKIN'
Toby Gerhart: DO SEX NOW?
Christian Ponder: TAKE IT OFF
Chris Cook: DON'T MAKE ME
Harrison Smith: BUMPIN UGLIES
Leslie Frazier: MISSIONARY AUDIBLE
Jared Allen: INTO BONDAGE
Everson Griffen: LETS GET MAGICAL
Chad Greenway: WHITE SEX
Mistral Raymond: FOAM PARTY?
Bill Musgrave: FOURTH & LONG
Blair Walsh: LITTLE BIG 3RD LEG
Chris Kluwe: CROTCH PUNTS
VIKTOR the VIKING:
Ragnar: HOBO NUZZLES
Zygi: A SINGLE ROSE
Brett Favre: DICK PICS?
John David Booty: U GET ME HIGH
Let us know if we missed any in the comments. Have a great day, folks. Pleasure yourself, or pleasure someone else, or do both at the same time. Let's win this day. Now I leave you with a reminder that I'm going to hell:
Happy Valentine's Day!
BEST OF MAXIM
AROUND THE WEB
The Percy Harvin saga continues with a new report suggesting that the wide receiver might be seeking a deal worth $12 million per year. Now Harvin is a talented player, but character and injury issues will likely prevent the receiver from landing a contract that he might desire. The number he reportedly is looking at is what Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson currently earn and...
Ian Rapoport of the NFL Network says he spoke with two NFL executives and one told him that he would be shocked if the Minnesota Vikings received more than a third round pick in return for Percy Harvin.
Heard from 2 NFL execs on possible Harvin trade: 1 spoke of how complex finding value is. Another said he’d be shocked at better than a 3rd
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) February...
A Minnesota Vikings team source told Josina Anderson of ESPN that they shouldn’t get rid of wide receiver Percy Harvin.
“He is a star athlete who is a great player. Is he a volatile guy? Yes. Can he be managed? Yes. For me he is not an issue. You just have to be able to deal and manage star players. I don’t think we should be at the point of being done with him.”
In speaking with a small group of reporters, Minnesota
Vikings general manager Rick Spielman said the team has “no intent” of trading
wide receiver Percy Harvin, according to The Pioneer Press.
Spielman added that he expects Harvin to be in camp like the
rest of the other Vikings’ players.
This of course could simply be posturing. There are now two
According to Jason La Canfora of CBS Sports, Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Percy Harvin is unhappy with their passing game and not his contract.
The issues between receiver Percy Harvin and the Vikings have been widely mischaracterized, according to a source close to the team. Harvin’s frustration is based around the scope of the passing game and not his contract. Harvin’s...
EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. With rumors continuing to circulate about the unhappiness and future of receiver Percy Harvin, Minnesota Vikings general manager Rick Spielman said Friday that the team is not looking to trade Harvin.
"We have no intent of trading Percy Harvin," Spielman said. "Percy Harvin is under contract, we and expect him, just like all our players, to be...
According to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Minnesota Vikings general manager Rick Spielman says they “have no intent” of trading wide receiver Percy Harvin. They expect him to report to training camp like every other player.
There was a report last week that the Vikings will look to trade Harvin. Now that doesn’t seem to be the case.
CBS Sports reported that Harvin is unhappy...
Percy Harvin is being shopped around by the Vikings
Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the football minds go to rest. In the past few days, the idea of Percy Harvin coming to New England to play with Tom and the boys has taken over the NFL. Harvin has been a very productive player ever since he left Florida and came to the NFL in 2009. He is like a Swiss army knife...
According to ESPN’s Josina Anderson, a high-ranking Vikings source informed her that WR Percy Harvin is targeting a deal similar to that of Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald.
Johnson received an eight year deal worth $132 million and includes $60 million guaranteed while Fitzgerald signed an eight-year deal that totaled $128.5 million and included $50 million guarantees...
Filed under "Topics I Can't Believe I Still Have to Slow-Talk to your Morons About," people are apparently still discussing whether or not the Minnesota Vikings should trade wide receiver Percy Harvin. I know. It's god damn ludicrous. You know what someone asked me the other day in regards to this? They asked, "But if we sign Percy long term, how are we going...
Jason La Canfora of CBS Sports writes that Percy Harvin‘s frustrations aren’t related the status of his contract and instead are related to the team’s offensive approach.
La Canfora mentions that the issues between the Vikings and Harvin have been “widely mischaracterized.“
Harvin has reportedly not complained about his current contract situation and hasn’t threatened...
The Minnesota Vikings are reportedly going to pursue a trade of wide receiver Percy Harvin this offseason, but this wouldn’t happen if
running back Adrian Peterson was in charge. Peterson told Paul Allen of KFAN
yesterday that, if it were up to him, he wouldn’t trade Harvin.
“To be honest with you, I don’t know if we will or not,”
Peterson said. “But me, individually...