Between now and the Houston Texans' 3:30 p.m. kickoff Saturday against the Cincinnati Bengals, you will see reams of analysis and scouting objectives.
But that's for the lamestream.
This is the alternative Texans scouting report.
Matt Schaub, Quarterback
Middle name is Rutledge, meaning he was one step away from being a lacrosse player who wears deck shoes all the time. Father of 1-year-old twin girls. Never eludes a pass rusher, but partially makes up for it by completing more than his share of passes while being clobbered.
Arian Foster, RB
Studied philosophy in college and had to have been the only guy in the whole department who actually took it seriously. Refers to himself as "an aspiring human being." Tweets things like, "The awaken feel me." Moves faster than it looks like he's moving. Great vision. Doesn't break a lot of tackles.
Andre Johnson, WR
Actually sort of a funny guy, but speaks in a deep monotone than subverts his sense of humor. Went to The U, is...