Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/19/14
Bears_cultler_walks_b981


As was reported in some amazing breaking news stories, Chicago Bears favorite horse face, Jay Cutler, and his fiancée Kristin Cavallari (her full name was spelled out simply so I could link to a picture of her in a bikini for YOU), are totally having a baby boy, dude. When asked for his reaction, Sulkface crossed his arms and pushed his bottom lip out before being hugged and bounced like an infant himself in Cavallari's arms. Bears WR Earl Bennett broke the "news:"

“He’s having a boy,” Bennett, 25, said on the Boers & Bernstein sports radio show in Chicago. “I am excited for Jay. It’s a great time.”

“I think every guy wants a guy to carry on the name,” the former reality star [Cavallari] told Glamoholic in March. “But he doesn’t care. I just want to have a healthy baby.” (Via People)
Well, well. Let us help the lovely couple and come up with totally adorable names for this bundle of joy!


First though, can I just comment that Kristin's new name - if she's traditional enough AND KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HER and takes Cutler as her last name - will be known as "Kristin Cutler." How unattractive of a name is that? At least with the whole Cavallari thing people were all like, "Oooo, is she Mediterranean? French?! I bet she's totally into some tantric sex ****, and not just missionary style like every other blond girl out there!" Well, there goes that fantasy.

On to the child's name. I propose picking from the following list, however, if you come up with anything else, certainly leave it in the comments. Maybe we'll make a t-shirt out of the unofficial winner? Sounds like a plan.
  • Bradley Cutler (Like Bradley Cooper, the ultimate douche)
  • Keith Cutler (Keith. How can you not want to push him down the stairs?!)
  • Kristay Cutler (A mix between Kristin and Jay)
  • Jaytin (Another mix, maybe more easy to hate)
  • Suckle Face (Like "Sulk Face" but more associated imagery of breasts)
  • Pony Face (Instead of Horse Face)
  • Diaper Slinger (I don't know)
  • Bro's Baby Bro (The ultimate bro)
  • B-Cutty (Baby Cutty, instead of J-Cutty, Jay Cutler)
  • Poop Face (To match "Sad Face" Cutler)
  • Brian Robison's Baby's ***** (Just a fact, so this kid will never forget)
My rationale here was just to pick names that make me want to punch this unborn child in the face, and I feel any of these would accomplish this unique feat. Again, if you have one to suggest, let's hear it in the comment section.

In all seriousness though, congrats to these two crazy lovebirds! I can't wait to not draft Baby Cutler in 20 years because our team decides we want to take an unknown "talent" out of Arkansas State instead. History!

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