Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/6/14

MINNEAPOLIS - OCTOBER 05: Defensive end Jared Allen #69 of the Minnesota Vikings celebrates after a sack during the Monday Night Football game against the Green Bay Packers on October 5, 2009 at Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. (Photo by Jamie Squire/Getty Images)


OK, he didn't really say THAT, but he pretty much did, when NBC Sportstalk asked him if he had any instructions for Minnesota Vikings new left tackle, Matt Kalil. The full quote (taken from PFT, it's legitimate, folks!) was this:

“Just don’t touch me,” Allen said. “I’m too old to deal with overzealous rookies right now. Keep your hands out of my face, don’t grab my jersey and we won’t have to fist fight. That’s pretty much what it is.”
Seems like pretty simple advice. BTFU, Matt Kalil. Oh, and sign your rookie contract, too. Please.

This got Purple Jesus Diaries thinking, though. What other advice would some wily old veterans on the team have for the new rookies? We put together our best guesses after the jump:


Each rookie on the team is going to go through some type of growing pains. That's just how it goes. Carry around the pink backpack, buy donuts for the fat linemen, maybe even drive Chris Kluwe to the airport whenever it's needed. But if they do these little things - and do them well - they may even be able to pick up some helpful knowledge along the way:
  • Rookie safety Harrison Smith tapped former Viking Brian Russel for some knowledge on how to best play the position for the purple. Russell imparted his skill of "being white" and saying that being a good safety, for him, meant being a good cheerleader, making sure you always know when to be in the right place at the right time, not so you can get interceptions or help on tackles, but so that you can be in the camera shot when the TV cameras move to the tackle your cornerback made and you're just running into the scene clapping like you were TOTALLY going to make the play anyway, bro.
  • Former Viking Cedric Griffin was able to sit down with new cornerback Josh Robinson and tell the young man "don't lose both your knees." When asked to elaborate, Griffin was confused, asking "what more do you need? Keep both your knees. It's pretty simple."
  • One of two new receivers, former Arkansas player Jarius Wright, talked to Percy Harvin about what it takes to be successful in the NFL. Harvin started off as his usual humble self, saying "yeah, it, uh, pays to be humble and to, uh, know your place, sir, and to make sure that you always SMOKE ENOUGH GREENERY TO NOT FLIP YOUR **** AT THE SIGN OF A MISSED FIELD GOAL BECAUSE YOUR GOD DAMN TEAM IS A HOSE FULL OF **** AND YOU WANT TO DEMAND A TRADE, but, uh, make sure you just keep your cool, play hard, and uh, you'll be fine."
  • Before he left Minnesota, former Vikings tight end Jim Kliensasser chatted with rookie Rhett Ellison, who will effectively be taking #40's spot on the roster. Kliensasser told him to eat a lot, block well, and catch a 2 yard pass on third and one every four games to remind the general manager why you're needed.
  • Greg Childs was fortunate enough to get the number for a wide receiver who he plays a bit like in Sidney Rice. Rice shared with Childs to always make sure you were catching your passes from Brett Favre, don't follow along on Tarvaris Jackson's career, and everything should be fine for you if you don't tear a muscle in your hip, too.
  • New cornerback Robert Blanton learned a valuable lesson from on-again-off-again Vikings cornerback Benny Sapp who simply told him, "**** YO PENALTY FLAG, I GRAB WHAT I WANNA GRAB" before he was dragged away from getting to touchy with a woman at a bar, probably.
  • Blair Walsh, new kicker from Georgia, touched base with long-time Viking Gary Anderson who simply said, "Always aim a little bit more to the right than you think you should."
  • Erin Henderson shared a bit of knowledge he had picked up over time from his brother and former Viking EJ Henderson with new Vikings linebacker Audie Cole. Erin told the young man that EJ had always imparted how important it was to your career to never play on the same field as Jamarca Sanford. If you can escape playing with him in your backfield, you'll live to play another day.
  • Finally, new defensive end Trevor Guyton was able to get a hold of former Viking great Pat Williams, who shared the secret to his professional success: "Eat more cake."

Do you have any tips for the incoming rookie class? Let's hear them in the comments and get ready to see if they listen when training camp finally starts this weekend.


[follow]
GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Eagles players don't share McCoy's views on Chip Kelly

Bryant attends Cowboys OTAs despite not signing contract

Are Dwyane Wade and the Heat headed for a split?

Good news for the effort to bring an NHL team to Vegas

Adrian Peterson goes on social media rant regarding contract

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Report: John Wall, friends kicked off plane in Las Vegas

Broncos OT Ryan Clady suffers torn ACL in practice

Report: Buffalo Sabres to hire Dan Bylsma as head coach

Marc Trestman will make Joe Flacco a Pro Bowler

Could Tyrod Taylor be the Buffalo Bills’ savior?

Chicago Bulls fire Tom Thibodeau after five seasons

Is Sam Bradford not close to full health?

Five NFL players who paid dearly to obtain jersey numbers

Dee Gordon thought Marlins’ manager hire was a joke

Which MLB teams are most changed since Opening Day?

Seattle Mariners: Back to .500

JJ Watt doesn't care for chance to be on 'Hard Knocks'

McElwain compliments Muschamp culture at UF, previous staff 'snakebit'

Montreal mayor to meet Manfred in hopes of getting a franchise back

Five things we'd like to see on 'Hard Knocks' with the Texans

Chipper Jones challenged military veteran to fight

President Obama answers NBA questions on Twitter

'Entourage' creator rips Eli Manning for ditching movie

NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Is Sam Bradford not close to full health?

Are Dwyane Wade and the Heat headed for a split?

Good news for the effort to bring an NHL team to Vegas

JJ Watt doesn't care for chance to be on 'Hard Knocks'

Ryan Clady suffers torn ACL

'Entourage' creator rips Eli Manning

Brandon Marshall, Geno Smith are roommates

The Cavaliers are top (under)dogs

Bryce Harper on his breakout

WATCH: Jon Lester sets MLB hitless record

Six moves that made the Warriors NBA title contenders

USA Soccer, CONCACAF losers in FIFA’s ‘World Cup of fraud’

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.