Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/20/14
I Consider That a Success: Because look at our roster. Percy Harvin? Jerome Simpson? Phil Loadholt? Kevin Williams? I was sure that they'd either be getting busted for smuggling drugs, eating people, or taking "dietary supplements" that would end up in a child's back pack and get your ass sent to jail. I was SURE something would happen. Would Jamarca Sanford kill someone? Would Antoine Winfield get in trouble from stealing blood from the morgue? Would Jared Allen lasso an underaged teen? You give these professionals seven days off to do whatever they want, and something was bound to happen. And yet it didn't! Not even Adrian Peterson was cited for starting a fight at a nightclub! That's a total win! Now, we can all move along, get back to football, and prep for probably the worst stretch of football we've seen in quite sometime. Four division games? Another against possibly the best team in the league? Yay! Who else is excited?! Why couldn't the season have ended when we were 4-1? That would have been way better. Whatever, let's do this, nerds. College Football Had a Fantastic Weekend: Now, I know most of you are probably from Minnesota and are therefore Gopher fans, which probably means you disagree with my above statement, BUT YOU ARE WRONG. Watching the Gopher's get dismantled by the Cornhuskers was amazing. And then that white guy AJ Barker goes all nuts and skewers Jerry Kill and the Barn is burning. It doesn't get much better, if you think the Gophers are stupid, which I do. Hope you all enjoyed your trip to Lincoln to see what college football is really like! The other entertaining part was watching those meth heads from Kansas get fileted by Baylor (BAYLOR?!) to lose their number one BCS ranking, and then keeping an eye on Oregon as they likewise shat the bed and lost their number two BCS ranking. MORONS! Now, the awful school of Notre Dame is ranked god damn number one, and Alabama is primed to be the number two and get their way into the BCS Championship Game. This sucks, but is also awesome, because there's nothing better than watching Notre Dame fans get SUUUUUPER excited about life, only to have it all come crashing down. I can't wait for that. It's better than licking vanilla honey off of a set of boobs. Promise. Suck a Wang, Lions: In NFL news, the Detroit Lions went on to prove that they are still probably the worst franchise in the NFL (except maybe the Raiders ... God they're awful) as they choked away their lead over the Packers. That would have been a real sweet victory because it would have brought those Wisconsin nerds closer to us, and make it easier for us to pass them by and get close to the division or a wild card playoff spot. Instead, the Lions wasted their two minutes they had to simply get into FIELD GOAL range and let the Packers win. DUMB. The Lions are effectively now toasted, which is nice, but since we already beat them twice, I would rather prefer they hold on to their false hope and continue to play their division games hard. Now, I'm guessing they'll go into hibernation soon. Or wait ... Lions don't do that, right? Whatever, you get the picture. The blew it and I hate them. Notes and Nips: What else happened over the Bye Week? LOTS, YOU IDIOTS! Here are some other Notes and Nips from the weekend: - I had Sunday breakfast at the New Louisiana Cafe in St. Paul. It was ... Fine, but I definitely wouldn't put it up in the top 5 for great brunchy spots in the cities, maybe not even top 10. I was expecting more, but I guess when you usually only get eggs, hashbrowns, toast, and bacon, there's not many ways you can do that differently. Their coffee was pretty good though! - The Patriots absolutely gang banged the Colts. I think their defense or special teams was responsible for three separate touchdowns. That's awesome. I wish I had them on my fantasy squad. - Lots of people say they may hate the throwback uniforms the Steelers wore on Sunday, but I love them. The huge jersey numbers, the tons and tons of stripes on the jersey and socks ... They're great. Not better than the Vikings throwbacks, mind you, but still pretty awesome. - I've been playing Assassin's Creed III on the weekends since it's release. I've been a HUGE backer of AC games, and even fight with people when they say they don't like the first game (It might be the best one). That said, I wasn't overly impressed with this third game to start with, but by the time the developers quite holding your hand and let you get into the game and actually DO stuff, it's slowly opening my eyes to greatness. I'm having just as much fun as I did when I first discovered AC2, and that's a pretty big deal. Anyone else playing? What're you thinking? - Speaking of video games, I've been trying to think of solid Christmas gifts to request from family. So far, I've put things like Game of Thrones Season 2, Dark Knight Rises, underwear, the usual stuff. Is there anything out there for guys, big or small items, that I'm missing in my requests? Let me know in the comments. - Those Arby's commercials that skewer Subway for cutting their meats on a machine ... I couldn't give less ***** if I tried. Arby's, do you have any idea how YOU cut your meat? I bet you it's not with a knife you sharpened yourself, is it. I bet you it was a slicer that you bought, which is technically a machine. So shut your ***** mouth. An Ambivalent Haiku: "A tea with Calvin Johnson the wide receiver, is worse than the Vikes." That ones a little hard to believe, isn't it?! But here we are, one down, three to go. The Vikings enter this week prepping for a divisional game that may make or break their season. Unfortunately, this game is at Soldier Field, where it's like to be a windy butt hole all day long, helping to make Christian Ponder look as bad as he is. The good news? Adrian Peterson loves playing at Soldier Field and is having maybe the best season of his career, meaning ... We got a chance? I'LL TAKE IT! Let's wrap this season up strong, fellas. Here we go. [follow]
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