Originally written on Midwest Sports Fans  |  Last updated 6/29/14

I don’t really have anything to rant or tangent about this week. I’ve been sick lately, and no one really wants to hear about me not being able to breathe or getting two new prescription inhalers to use. Yes, I am a nerd. I walk around listening to hipster music wearing glasses and keep an emergency inhaler in my backpack. [Editor's note: actual picture of Sick Hipster Drew Lange below.]

Image source: Monkey Jedi

At least I like football right? That’s got to count for something.

1. Green Bay Packers 5-0 

Another Packers win means more from Amanda Lawson.

“The Packers were slow to start Sunday night against the Falcons and didn’t seem to be on their “A” game. But Rodgers and crew got things heated up in the second half. Even with Chad Clifton’s significant hamstring injury, Rodgers was able to throw for 396 yards and 2 touchdowns, with rookies Dereck Sherrod and Marshall Newhouse stepping up to the plate. Don’t expect the injuries to plague Green Bay like last year. This time, they’re ready.

2. Baltimore Ravens 3-1

Bye weeks are the worst. Whenever my team has a bye week I wake up and feel like someone has died. I don’t know what to do. I just sit in my bed and try to remember what else there is to do on a Sunday afternoon. The answer is usually take a nap.

3. New Orleans Saints 4-1

Drew Brees really knows how to pull out wins in close games, which is one of the main reasons this team will 13 games this year like I said they would last week. Unless Roman Harper keeps picking fights with Steve Smith. That didn’t go so well for him.

4. Detroit Lions 5-0

Calvin Johnson is an absolute beast. He’s on pace for like 100 touchdowns this year. Speaking of Johnson, on Monday night after his first touchdown, he leapt into the crowd and left a Lions fan with an odd decision. Is it acceptable to pat Calvin Johnson on the ass after he scores and jumps into your lap? Or do you just awkwardly tap his helmet and back until he goes back down to the field?

5. New England Patriots 4-1

In this week’s MMQB, Peter King suggested putting Wes Welker into the Hall of Fame conversation. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Welker is not a HOF wide receiver right? Or am I missing something here?

6. Buffalo Bills 4-1

Impressive win for the Bills against the Eagles. Impressive season for the Bills so far in 2011. It has been a pleasure to watch. I hope it continues.

7. San Diego Chargers 4-1

This team barely beat Tim Tebow. Ugh, they are the worst. I hate them more than anything right now.

8. San Francisco 49ers 4-1

I’m going to quote Jerod’s twitter for this slot this week. He is in love with the 49ers, and after their beat down on the Buccaneers, I don’t blame him.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers 3-2

I learned absolutely nothing from the Steelers-Titans game this week. Are the Steelers good? Are the Titans just capitalizing on beating mediocre teams? Who is Issac Redman and when did Johnathon Dwyer leave Georgia Tech? These teams give me headaches.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 3-2

Not only did the Bucs get a beast down against San Francisco this weekend, they also found themselves in some injury trouble. Not good news for a team on track to make the playoffs.

11. Houston Texans 3-2

Andre Johnson is out with a hamstring injury, and now Mario Williams is out for the year with a pectoral injury. Definitely not going to help this team learn how to close out close games. Maybe it’s time to look into a new coach. Six years into the gig and you would think the guy would learn some late game strategy by now.

12. Oakland Raiders 3-2

For no real logical reason, I have always been a Raiders fan. When I was kid, I would constantly watch an old NFL Films video that my dad had laying around the house. Somehow I fell in love with the Raiders. I loved the way they didn’t give a **** what anyone thought of them. I loved the way they just went out and played football. They went out each Sunday not to win games, but to make the other team quit. They were the definition of old school football. Thanks for that Al Davis.

To quote Chuck Klosterman, “He was my favorite owner, ever. I have no idea if he was a good person.” Frankly, it doesn’t matter if he was or not. He shaped the NFL into what it is today. And for that, we can never thank him enough.

13. Chicago Bears 2-3

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I feel bad for Jay Cutler. Jared Allen is going to absolutely murder him on Sunday night.

14.Tennessee Titans 3-2

Chris Johnson is on pace to run for only 800 yards this year. SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!

15. Washington Redskins 3-1
16. Dallas Cowboys 2-2
17. New York Giants 3-2

Is the NFC East the worst division in football this year? None of these teams have shown any form of consistency whatsoever in the first five weeks. Every game is a coin flip. One can only hope this mess will sort itself out by the end of the year.

18. Cincinnati Bengals 3-2

Misspelled Cincinnati again. I’m just going to start calling them Cincy from now on, because that is almost impossible to mess up.

The Bengals next three games look like this: home vs. Colts, away vs. Seattle, away vs. Titans. Realistically three winnable games. Who would have thought the Bengals would have a chance to be 6-2 this year? And if we redo the 2011 NFL Draft, is Andy Dalton the second quarterback taken? Almost has to be.

19. Atlanta Falcons 2-3

Great first quarter against Green Bay, not so good second, third and fourth quarter. At least the NFL now has some sort of idea of how to stop the Green Bay Packers, and for that, we thank you.

20. New York Jets 2-3

The Jets play on Monday night this week against the Dolphins, which means It’s time for a John Gruden impression. Here is “John Gruden” talking about Antonio Cromartie.

“Antonio Cromartie. This is a guy who absolutely loves ****. He has eight kids by seven women in six states. You know what that means? That means this guy has a passion for things that he loves, and he loves ****. If I was his coach, I would walk up to him and say, ‘Hey, Cromartie. You see this ball? Next time a quarterback throws one in your direction, pretend the ball is a pair of ****, and go grab those. Make that tit ball yours and take it home with you.’ That’s what I would do.”

Image source: Photobucket

21. Seattle Seahawks 2-3

Tarvaris Jackson outplayed Donovan McNabb this week again. I just threw up in my mouth again.

22. Cleveland Browns 2-2

Another team on a bye week. At they didn’t have to trot out in their brown/orange/pink uniforms this week.

23. Kansas City Chiefs 2-3

Like I said last week, a solid QB t0 WR combination is more important in today’s NFL than a dominant running back is. Kansas City has shown that over the last three weeks.

24. Carolina Panthers 1-4

I don’t think I’ll ever be on the Cam Newton bandwagon, but that doesn’t mean I won’t admit that he has given the Panthers a chance to win every week. Sometime soon, they will figure out how to win those close games, and they will make the NFL a lot more interesting.

25. Philadelphia Eagles 1-4

This team is a mess. And the messiest part is they are in a *********** of a division full of inconsistent teams. It is only Week 6. The Eagles could still make the playoffs. If that is to happen, avoid ESPN at all costs.

26. Minnesota Vikings 1-4

VH1 released their “Best Songs of the 00′s” recently, and it sucked. So I’m working on my own list. He’s my tentative Top 10. You will probably think my list sucks too.

  • Hey Ya – Outkast
  • Crazy – Gnarls Barkley
  • American Idiot – Green Day
  • Lose Yourself – Eminem
  • Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes
  • Electric Feel – MGMT
  • In Da Club – 50 Cent
  • Jesus Walks – Kanye West
  • Wake Up – Arcade Fire
  • 99 Problems – Jay-Z

27. Jacksonville Jaguars 1-4

This weekend I had a severe bout with asthma. I spent a majority of my time in my bed or on my friends couch, trying not to move so I didn’t lose my breath. Once that happened, it took a solid 30 to 45 minutes to get it back. Just from rolling from one side of my bed to the other. As you can imagine, it was not fun.

Having constant asthma attacks seems about as fun as being a Jaguars fan this year. I feel bad for them. They deserve better.

28. Denver Broncos 1-4

Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim. F’ing. Tebow.

Image credit: AP Photo/Phelan M. Ebenhack via BroncoTalk.net

29. Arizona Cardinals 1-4

If the Cardinals don’t give the Vikings the ball inside their own 30 yard line four times in the first quarter, they probably don’t give up 28 points within the first 15 minutes. They also probably win the game as they outscored Minnesota 10-6 over the next three quarters and they wouldn’t have had to spend the rest of the game trying to throw down field and try to get back into the game as quick as possible.

Regardless, this is still a pretty bad team. And Patrick Peterson is absolutely afraid of Adrian Peterson, which was hilarious to watch. Welcome to the league rookie.

30. St. Louis Rams 0-4

No offensive line, no secondary, no primary wide receiver. They are a lot farther away from the playoffs than we originally thought.

31. Indianapolis Colts 0-5

Curtis Painter is actually starting to look like a competent NFL quarterback. Now if he would only throw to Dallas Clark a little more often and help out my fantasy team.

32. Miami Dolphins 0-4

Miami should really be looking for some sort of loop hole that will allow Andrew Luck to start for them this week against the Jets.


Also be sure to check out Jerod’s latest “Suck 4 Luck” Power Rankings to see how the bottom rung of these power rankings stacks up in the race to get Andrew Luck.

Contact the Author twitter.com/drewlange d.lange9@gmail.com
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