Originally written November 20, 2012 on Purple Jesus Diaries:
2010-sports-illustrated
If you are still for some reason reading major sports outlets instead of just getting your Vikings news from sites like THIS, then maybe you've already seen Peter King's newest "Monday Morning Quarterback." If you have already read it, I am so sorry for your soul, because you have terrible taste in reading material. If you haven't, then let me share with you how stupid this pig nosed dick cheek is. First, he went ahead and did his recent weekly power rankings which is essentially a ranking of him timing himself stroking his **** until he squirts out a puff of dried glue. The ones that go the quickest are at the top of the power rankings list, obviously. He put the Vikings at 13 this week, which is, ... I don't know ... Whatever. It's a power ranking. But here's what he had to say: 13. Minnesota (6-4). Strap it on, Vikes. Next three foes are 21-7, and two are on the road. DAMMIT KING, STOP STEALING MY MATERIAL! For a guy who is all "Respect traditional media (and me, so I can keep a job)! Be appropriate!" and other stuff that makes me fluff my balls in his general direction, I find this sentence rating the remaining Vikings schedule pretty offensive. Not that it isn't something I would say myself, mind you (in fact, it may just be this week's game preview head line now!), but it's awfully graphic for a guy that has a Harry Potter lightning bolt in his hair. King also went on to be a total ***** about Kluwe this week. Generally, King says he likes Kluwe being an independent thinker in the NFL ....... Exccccceeppt for when he disagrees with what Peter King thinks. Kluwe recently wrote a piece in Deadspin about how he's upset that punter Ray Guy has been overlooked by the Hall of Fame voting committee. It was typical Kluwe *****-fest, but classic in that same regard. Of course, King got all defensive, talked a bunch of nonsense that didn't make any sense, and left with this parting shot to Kluwe: Finally, I'm disappointed in Kluwe. I like him. He's the kind of independent voice football, and all of sports, needs. His column in Deadspin is beyond mean-spirited things. It's the kind of thing you'd pen to read at the trial of the men who dismembered your mother with an ax. I have never seen a sports writer want a finger in his ass so bad as Peter King does this week. I mean, except for all those times Favre was in the equation. So in conclusion, Peter King is still a fat, whale carcass, the Vikings should butt plug him with some dildos, and Chris Kluwe is still the best Shirtless Viking. CASE SOLVED. [follow]
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