Originally written on Vikings Digital Diaries  |  Last updated 11/5/12
I WISH It Was Mediocrity: Instead, it may be just downright terrible football. The Vikings lost to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, November 4, 20-30, and frankly, that was a generous score. I kept looking at the scoreboard in the third quarter and broke several glasses as they dropped along with my slacked jaw when I realized that we were within three points still. BAH?! Yup, all we needed was a field goal to put some pressure on the Seahawks, tie that ***** up, and sneak out another win despite a outlandish and offensive display of quarterback play. But no, our offense couldn't even get into field goal range (which, keep in mind, means getting to the like FIFTY so that Little Big Leg could kick a 80 yard field goal, no problem). In the end, there's not a ton to say. We were out coached, out quarterbacked (by a midget mulatto), out defensed, and out classed in the most ridiculous way. There are zero excused, except to say that maybe Ponder was confused because he was two time zones away, had a late kickoff start, and the whole day light savings thing, but ... Eh. Half the season of him sucking now is a pattern, not a blip on the career record. Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: Without question, the fall guy for this game is Christian Ponder. First, he CONTINUES to insist that he plays with his shirt on. If you ever want to find out why things are going wrong, start there. If you want to find another reason, consider that ever since it became very public that he was dating Samantha Steele, he's sucked an alligator dong, too. Beyond that, 63 yards, 50% completions, four sacks, one interception, and a 37.3 quarterback rating won't really cut it either. People keep saying that it's either all Ponder's fault, or that his receivers suck. It's a little of both, sure, but Ponder has to at least try to throw the ball to a receiver before they can fail catching it. I mean, how does pig nose Russell Wilson laser the ball to his receivers with a five yard window and they catch it? Is Doug Baldwin any better than Michael Jenkins? I don't even know who Doug Baldwin is, so I'm going to say no. Either way, Ponder gets most of the blame, but to say that this isn't an entire team effort of sucking it up, that'd be disingenuous, because HOLY HELL our defense is terrible too. Ponder is just more, obviously, terrible. Defense is Fun: Speaking of defense ... I think it's safe to say that the nice defensive experience we had to start the year is over with. This is two weeks in a row where poor teams were made to look like mid 2000's Patriots. Really? Tampa Bay? Seahawks? We give up like 700 rushing yards and let baby quarterbacks pick us apart like it's a Halloween cake walk. I never thought Chris Cook could beat me (or my heart?) too. I don't actually think him being out has been the main thing that's screwed this defense, but the opposing teams passing games have looked great with him out. Or maybe it's just that AJ Jefferson is that terrible. Probably both. And more than that, the running defense is a heart breaker too. Remember when we wouldn't give up 100 yard runners? Seems like a decade ago. Now we let rookies and their back ups almost set single game rushing records against us like it's a dare. If so, that's a real ****** dare, and I wish they'd stop it. But then I look at see that there's a thing called "Christian Ballard" and a "Letroy Guion" manning the middle while Kevin Williams is 48 years old. That ain't going to do it, dudes. Pick your game up. Thanks to Percy and Peterson: So while we begin to digest how horrible the rest of the team is half way through this season, let's take this moment to recognize just how blessed we are, like proper little disciples, to have Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin on this team. Without them, we'd have ... what, 97 total yards? What the hell, man. First, Purple Jesus puts up the highest career first half numbers he's ever had and the coaches decide to start putting the ball in Ponder's hands. OK, terrible idea, but maybe you'll at least get the ball to Percy Harvin. Or, wait, no, maybe you'll just tell Ponder not to throw it at all, instead, scramble while frightened and dump off to Toby Gerhart instead. Great plans, guys. And when Percy finally goes Randy Moss on the coach and tells him he's a dick nose like he really is? Keep in on the sidelines! To teach him a lesson! Because the coach knows best! I swear to god, if everyone but these two (and Kluwe?) aren't fired in the morning I'm starting to plot a glitter bombing. The **** List: Depending on whether the team wins or loses, we compile a **** or IT list of players (or franchise related people and things) that really affected the team in the last week. Since we lost this week AGAIN, we'll be pulling out the people who deserve to get nut punched: - Fans clamoring for Joe Webb (Because he's totally the Steve Young on our bench, morons) - Phil Loadholt (When you got two guys rushing on your side, the best option totally is to block neither of them) - Kyle Rudolph (Take notes from Percy, Domer, get pissed and make the coach call a play for you) - Christian Ponder (Dump the broad, take your shirt off, and start throwing your balls deep) - Any defensive tackle (TACKLE) - AJ Jefferson (You fulfilled your role to teach us about Arizona's game plan, so you can leave now) - Bill Musgrave (When your running back is on pace for 300 yards, you should probably sell out and just run the ball) Frowny Haiku: "Hey Pete, quick question, As an expert, how do you Steal a Double-You?" Welp, the dreams over, dudes. If I had to guess, I say we win one more game this year and get a top 10 draft pick. I have no idea what that game is, but I figure it has to happen through dumb luck at some point. But the Packers? Bears? Lions again? Hahaha, LOL, goodnight sweet princes. Prepare your anuses for the bottom of the division again, because that's where we're heading! But at least it will be enjoyable while it happens. [follow]
GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Brady issues statement on Facebook after having suspension lifted

Don Orsillo reportedly asked to lie about being fired by NESN

Matt Cassel believes Bills will keep three quarterbacks

St. Louis police seize scalpers' World Series tickets to give to friends

Eli Manning happy Tom Brady will play NFL season opener

Phil Kessel has shed 13 pounds this summer

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Cam Newton addresses ‘gang’ photo on Instagram

Steelers defense is younger and faster but not better

Duke basketball to visit White House next Tuesday

Report: Cowboys have interest in Broncos RB Montee Ball

NFL owners to discuss changing Goodell's disciplinary role

Report: Eagles trade Matt Barkley to Arizona Cardinals

WATCH: Ben Revere gifted Matt Wieters a home run

Judge Sarah Thomas as an NFL official, not a female NFL official

Redskins skip Robert Griffin III in jersey countdown

Wisconsin vs Alabama preview

Simona Halep popular with fans who want to kiss her

Patriots planned on raising a "Brady banner on opening night

Braves and Phillies sucking at the same time is rare

Montana St. linebacker delivers bone crushing hit in opener

Despite loss, all eyes still on Jim Harbaugh, Wolverines

Kirk Cousins discusses what it’s like to be called ‘Kurt’

Playoffs or not, Bryce Harper is the NL MVP

Donald Sterling’s wife Shelly seeking alimony

Chicago Bears and Jay Cutler: A love/hate relationship

NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Wisconsin vs Alabama preview

Tom Brady issues statement on Facebook

Robert Griffin III and a dream deferred

Best, worst surprises of NFL preseason

The Gospel Of Harbaugh prepares for its ultimate test of faith

Meet the Utah Utes, the pluckiest program in college football

Iman Shumpert will name daughter Iman Shumpert Jr.

Dallas company celebrates Romo with DirecTV 'crownies'

Top 10 storylines for Week 4 of the NFL preseason

Matt Williams is still hopelessly married to the idea of the closer’s role

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Help
Follow Yardbarker