Originally written January 07, 2013 on Purple Jesus Diaries:
Minnesota-vikings
From Midnight to Six in Thirty Minutes: Well, that's being pretty generous. My playoff boner went from solid to flaccid in much less time than that. In fact, I'd probably say it took all of 15 minutes, or by the end of the first quarter, for me to feel like ****. The boner was gone at the end of the first quarter, the drinks stopped flowing by half time. You tell me which is worse. Either way, the Vikings 2012 season came to a predictable end on Saturday night. We all knew it was going to be a tall task to stroll into Green Bay and beat a potent Packers team two weeks in a row. We also knew it was going to be even harder when you put a hybrid receiver/running back in at quarterback because your up and coming franchise guy has an owie on his elbow. As it was, the **** was BORING. Hard to watch. The defense actually played better than I was anticipating, but the offense set the entire world back about 120 years. I mean really. Holding a fully healthy Packers team to 24 points should be decent enough to win. That's an Adrian Peterson touchdown, pick six, Ponder to Rudolph pass, and two Little Big Leg field goals away from a win. Doable! Except for Saturday night. I hate to say it, but Game 16 against the Packers was the one that really defined the season. This? This was like the Pro Bowl, except less sun and more sad tears. This and more after the jump. Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: I feel a bit mean giving this Playoff stamp to Joe Webb, but what else can you do? As stated, holding Aaron Rodgers to 24 points is good enough to win for a defense. Maybe I could have given it to Christian Ponder for not fighting through his injury and getting out on the field, but holy **** ... Could you imagine the fire storm that would come if he was lame ducking balls all over the field Saturday night? No, I give it to Joe Webb because despite being put in a ****** situation this week, he still played really ******. Tossing balls while getting sacked, running backwards for 37 yards, overthrowing receivers BADLY ... This isn't a preseason game, bro, we kind of need those yards. His play was a killer. His play allowed the Packers to play, what ... 13 guys in the box, apparently? And just shut down Peterson. If Webb could have connected on even half of his passes it probably backs the Packers off the line. But no, he was 11/30 on the night. Ugh. Despite all of it (and again, it was a no win situation, really), I will give credit for Webb for going out there and playing with a "whatever" attitude. On one hand, ****, I wish you would have been more jacked and took care of the ball, but on the other, that's got to take some balls to get out there and start a playoff game after going cold for 16 games the entire year. Even with that though, if the team brings Webb back next year I'll be pissed. He's not a receiver, he's not a running back, he's an athlete that can't get on the field to do athlete stuff. He sure a **** isn't a quarterback, so people clamoring for Webb can finally shut their pie holes. It does make me wonder ... Do we win that game if Sage Rosenfels had to step in? I bet it was closer. Christian Ponder's Best Case Scenario: Honestly, this worked out pretty much perfectly for Ponder, and for the Vikings front office. Ponder closes out the regular season winning his last four games, without throwing a pick in any of those games. The fans remember him as a hero with GREAT potential heading into 2013, and the team doesn't have to do much to work on the quarterback position besides finding a better veteran back up, as mentioned. This takes pressure off Ponder, it takes pressure off of the coaches, everyone wins ... Except for the team, because if we all remember, no one knows still if Ponder is any good. Really. His last four games he "won," sure, thanks in large part to Adrian Peterson running for OH, 700 YARDS OR SO IN FOUR GAMES. This whole thing still makes my stomach just feel like I ate a breakfast burrito with Tabasco and put dark, black coffee on top of all of it before eating a pint of ice cream, but what are you going to do ... Like it or not Ponder will be out starting quarterback next year. We'll call that our "make it our break it" year. John Kuhn: I don't have much to add besides just wanting to say I hate this fat ******'s face. This guy is the worst piece of **** on the planet. The attention he gets from Packer fans is just so telling, too. They cheer for this half wit because he's the closest tub of lard to what Packer fans think of when they picture themselves out on the field, ass slappin' with Aaron Rodgers. Just being scrappy! Getting touchdowns and wins! This cement foot has zero speed, is absent athletic ability, and is as strong as a wet cat. In fact, he might be SO devoid of talent that he sucks in the talent from those around him. Watching him score two touchdowns in a Packers playoff win against us is just such a ******* Packers thing to do. KUUUHHNN!! KUUUHHHHNNNN!!! I bet you if his name was John Kuhn and he was black, those assholes wouldn't think twice about him. Packer fans are the absolute worst. Notes and Nips: Lot's of other **** that happened in this ****** game played by **** heads, so let's break this **** down: - If that was Antoine Winfield's last game (and I don't think it was, but you never know) it will make me very sad. - Aaron Rodgers is so ******* good, and I hate that. He can make some pretty amazing throws. The rope he threw to Nelson while he was rolling out right and found him tip toe-ing the sidelines was outstanding. What an amazing, talented, gay, impressive, gay, great quarterback. - There were so many receivers open this game, it broke my heart. Kyle Rudolph tricking out a corner and safety and streaking wide open down the field while Joe Webb tap danced in the pocket made me want to punch **** blocks. - This game was so depressing I stopped drinking by half time. No lie. I just said, "I'm done, no point any more," and proceeded to eat chocolate chip cookies. - Really, what was the coaching staff thinking all year if Ponder got hurt? Were they really going to start Webb? Did they think it didn't matter because we wouldn't win all year? When we did start winning, why didn't we sign Sage back? He's not doing ****. Why hold on to McLeod Bethel-Thompson? That kid will NEVER see the field. Never. Drop him and bring back Sage as #2, Webb as tricksy Hobbit #3. ******* coaches. - If Harrison Smith would have hurt himself playing in this ****** game I would have gone full rage mode. - It's surprisingly easy to imagine Clay Matthews running his tongue along another man's ****, isn't it? Such an easy visual. - Outside of one weak punt, Chris Kluwe was EASILY the MVP. He had PERFECT hang time on his balls (*ha*) and he was kicking those things real far Saturday night. He kept us in it with the field position game all night long. I like his soul. - Score a touchdown with 3:30 left or whatever, and you don't even pretend to do an onside kick? You pooch it to the 35? Why? What were you hoping to accomplish? Again, ******* coaches. The 2012 Loser Haiku: "Smile while you can, son, For the Lord will wroght damage, Upon you this game." Well, that's it for now, everyone. The season is over, and that's OK. If I knew we were going to lay such a bad egg in the playoff game, I definitely would have tried to get Adrian Peterson those final nine yards in the last game of the season. But even then? Man ... That game was one for the ages. Great stuff, and I look forward to it next year when Peterson runs for 2,500 yards. Thanks for hanging around this season, but don't for a second think we're going anywhere. If you're a newer reader to the blog, the offseason is some of the best time to be around here. That's when we really let the jokes fly, get off topic, and have some fun, so please, stick around and enjoy. Find us on Facebook, check out our Twitter, and we're actually working on a Pinterest page because our labias are SOOO swollen. So join us, won't you? Thanks everyone, and Skol Vikes. [follow]
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