Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/4/14
Yesterday, the biggest choice many Americans make on a four-year basis occurred, and pretty much EVERYONE voted for the wrong people. EXCEPT FOR PJD READERS. You see, yesterday on Twitter we held our own election for government positions by only using Minnesota Vikings players, coaches, franchise affiliates, former players, mascots, and whatever the hell else I could think of. What we ended up with was almost an entire functioning government made out of Vikings affiliates, which we will present to you today since it's kind of topical. In no particular order, here is our Vikings government: PRESIDENT: Adrian Peterson, aka, Purple Jesus. This one was probably pretty obvious, but who else from the Vikings would you want to run the show? Get it, "RUN"?! It's funny, just go with it. VICE PRESIDENT: Percy Harvin, aka, Sir Smokes A-Lot. As you can see in the ballot, the only other real option for a running mate for Purple Jesus was the only other guy on the team I don't supremely hate, who is also a legitimate football player. Ergo, Percy. Now that's a line I can vote on! DIRECTOR OF CIA: Chris Kluwe, aka, ChrisWarcraft This move makes a ton of sense when you stop and think about how smart he is. What, you want Everson Griffen handling the most sensitive information in the country? I don't think so. SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Jared Allen This was the top suggestion from most people, and largely one I can get behind. I would have suggested Antoine Winfield, going with seniority and everything, but everyone loves a wild card in the political game. Allen brings that. And defense, of course. CHIEF OF DEPARTMENT OF VETERAN AFFAIRS: Antoine Winfield So instead, this is the role that Winfield gets. Obvious as to why, because he's old. But also because he's fair. He would treat other old people right. CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT: Harrison Smith Seems odd? Consider that he's one of the few who dispenses any kind of judgment in the defensive backfield, and that when he hits offensive players, he really "drops the gavel," so to speak. He'll do well in this role. HEAD OF DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY: Jerome Simpson DUH. Simpson would do well in this role because he would speak on the topic from his heart, even though he'd forget what he was saying half way through his passionately written speech. But it's the effort that counts. Another acceptable nomination would have been John David Booty, obviously. STATUE OF LIBERTY: Leslie Frazier, aka, Big Leslie I guess this isn't so much a government position as it is a symbol of our country, but Leslie Frazier isn't so much a real head coach as he is a symbol of one, either. Also, he's stone faced, all the time. So it's a natural fit. HEAD OF DOMESTIC AFFAIRS: Chris Cook Because he gets into a lot of domestic affairs. That means he must know something about them. I could see him getting re-elected for this position year after year, too. TREASURER: Zygi Wilf ..... OK, I totally suggested this because he's Jewish, and that's probably wrong of me, but he's also clearly really good with money and financial management in general or else he wouldn't own a football team, you know? MARITIME ADMINISTRATOR: Christian Ponder, aka, Shirtless Ponder This position works, or really wherever it is that Ponder could finally do his damn job without being restricted by a shirt. On the open sea with a bunch of seaman seems like a likely spot. SECRETARY OF EDUCATION: Toby Gerhart, aka, White Rhino A perfect fit for him, as he's all smart and **** since he went to Stanford. Also, he seems like he'd be a wonderful secretary, doesn't he? Always playing second fiddle. HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR: John Sullivan I honestly have no idea what this position does, but I saw it listed somewhere so Sullivan felt like a natural fit. Or I was going to go with Cullen Loeffler, since he's always overlooked. HEAD OF SOIL AND WATER CONSERVATION: Greg Camarillo Yes, we'd be pulling some favors, but I think Camarillo enjoyed his time with the Vikings while he was here to come join us for a Vikings government. And naturally, his inherent lawn skills would come in handy here. HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT OF TREASURY: Randy Moss Um, "Straight Cash Homey" makes this pretty self evident. Did we miss anyone? Let us know. And please, give me your genuine, authentic political discourse in the comments section, because that's totally what I want to hear on a dick joking sports blog. [follow]
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