Originally posted on Losers Bracket  |  Last updated 9/5/12

7/10/2012 – The New England Patriots Weight Room

Aaron Hernandez:  I’m tellin’ ya, Tom.  I really think I’m going to have a break out season this year.  I know Rob gets all the hype, but I think if you start looking my way more often, I could really surprise some people.

Tom Brady:  Huh? Ohh, umm, that’s nice Aaron.

Hernandez:  Seriously dude, I mean it.  I really think I can make some things happen if coach puts me in a little more and you just start looking my way.  I was talking to my mom about it the other day, and she really thinks I can score a lot if I get more chances.

Brady:  That’s weird, but yeah, I guess we’ll just see what happens.  Just keep working hard, buddy.

Hernandez:  You know what?  I don’t think you’re taking me seriously, but I’m serious.  Here’s watch this.

Hernandez drops to the ground and does 10 pushups.

Hernandez:  There!  Did you see that?!  10 pushups in no time!  While Gronk has been out there drinking and doing sex with girls all off-season, I’ve been in here working hard to get better!  I’m going to be great!

Brady:  Umm, I-

A pint glass comes flying in through the door of the weight room and shatters on the wall behind Hernandez, soaking him with beer.  In walks The Gronk.

 

 

The Gronk:  Cover of The Body Issue, mother *******!

Hernandez:  What the hell?

Brady:  Brosef Stalin!

The Gronk:  Sup, Bro Montana!?

Brady and The Gronk give each other a bro-hug.  Real bro like and chill too.

Hernandez:  Come on, you guys.  This is a place of business.  Some of us are trying to get our lift on in here!

The Gronk:  Oh, ****!  Sup, *****?  I didn’t even see you there.  You must have been hiding behind all of those cartoons that you drew on yourself.

Hernandez:  For your information, Rob, these are tattoos, and they all have special importance to me.  And I’m not a *****, I’m a pro athlete just like you.  But I’m actually working to get bigger and stronger this off-season, unlike somebody here!

The Gronk throws a copy of “The Body Issue” at Hernandez.

The Gronk:  Check that **** out, *****.  Does it look like I need to do anymore work on my body?!  I was carved out of the very image of Bro-Zeus himself!  The only work I need to be doing right now is between the sheets, on the beach, in the hot tub, in the basement of a frat house, on a Boston rooftop, or where ever else the next piece of hot, young tail leads me!

The Gronk and Brady exchange a bro-five.

Hernandez:  Are you two serious?!  You’re just lucky I’m working so hard in here so that if you get hurt, I’ll be there to fill the void.

The Gronk:  Whatever, douchsicle.  Dude, Bro-Brady, you should have seen this ****, dawg.  A couple of months ago, I was down in Aruba and these two pieces of pure ass fell right into my lap.  They said they were 18, but I heard one of them talk about getting her license when she got home after I finished bangin’ em both.  I have no idea how old they actually were, but that **** happened in Aruba, so who ******’ cares, bro?!

Hernandez:  Ugh, that’s just sick.

The Gronk:  Now you’re gettin’ it!  It was ******’ sick!  Railin’ tail, drinkin’ ale!  The bro-life, bro!

Brady:  God damn I wish I was young again!  Now I’m tied down by my 2nd model-wife and a ******’ family at home.  I wish I could still bro-down with you out there, but you’re just going to have to do double duty for me.

The Gronk:  Aww damn, bro.  That would be so sick!

Brady:  I know, I know.  Oh well.  I’m outta here.  Later, Brosef!

They exchange one more super-chill bro-hug.  Brady leaves.

Hernandez:  Umm, Rob, you know, if you’re looking for somebody to “hit the town” with, I don’t have anything going on tonig-

The Gronk: [Sticks his fingers in his ears.]  La La La La La I can’t hear you, bro! La La La La La La…

The Gronk walks out of the locker room with his fingers in his ears as he continues to make noise.

Hernandez:  [sighs]

The Gronk pokes his head back into the weight room.

The Gronk:  Oh, yeah.  You can keep The Body Issue.  It’ll give you something to aspire to.  Besides, I’ve got a mirror so I can look at that **** all day long.  *****!!!

The Gronk leaves.

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