Originally written on Losers Bracket  |  Last updated 11/14/14

Inside Bill Belichick’s Office – As Bill Studies Secret Practice Tape At His Desk, The Phone Rings

Bill Belichick: This is Bill, who the **** is this?

Bob Kraft:  God damnit, Bill!  I told you to stop answering the phone like that.  Anyway, what the **** kind of ship have you been running the last few months?  I swear, every single time I go somewhere on vacation, I get a call from somebody in the PR group saying that questionable pictures of a drunken Rob keep popping up on the internet.  All I want is to **** my whores in peace, Bill.  Is that really so much to ask?

Belichick:  What do you want me to do, Bob?  I’m not his dad.  He’s an adult.  He can make his own decisions.  Besides, he’s a “bro.”  That’s just what he does.

Kraft:  Put a ******* end to it!  That’s what!  I don’t care if he’s a brother, sister, cousin or dad.  I’m forking over a ******** of cash for this Swedish villa, and if I have one more 3-way ******* interrupted because of Rob’s ****, it’s going to be your ass, Bill.  I’ll trade away that mother ****** before you know what hit you.

Belichick:  We both know you would never do that.  The kid is a rockstar.

Kraft:  Try me, mother ******. [to somebody in the background]  Where do you think you’re going, *****?  I paid for 13 days, and I have enough viagra and blow to keep myself up and hard the whole time… No!  I don’t give a **** how tired you are, you can’t have any!  Now get back on the ground and keep sucking! [hangs up the phone]

Belichick:  God damnit.  [clicks intercom]  Get Rob in here.  Now!

Receptionist:  Yes, master.

A few minutes pass.

Receptionist: [over intercom] I have Rob here, sir.

Belichick:  Send him in.

Belichick presses a button that conceals the monitors behind a sliding mahogany bookcase.  The Gronk enters.

The Gronk:  What’s good, Brostradamus?

Belichick:  Sup, Mr. Brojangles?  Look, we need to talk.

The Gronk:  Dude, you know you don’t need to thank me.  The sluts I sent up here yesterday were pro-boner, as always.

Belichick:  No, no.  It’s not about that.  Although they were top notch.  Listen for a second, because from one bro to another, this is going to be hard to say.

The Gronk:  This sounds serious, bro.

Belichick:  It is.  I got a call from the Kraft-man.  You need to cool it for awhile.  We’re going to need you to operate on the bro-down until training camp starts back up.

The Gronk:  Why?!  I’ve been bro-ing out so hard, lately.  It’s been awesome!  Chasin’ sluts and poundin’ butts!  That’s just how I roll!

Belichick:  I know it is, and if it were my call, I’d let you bro-out until the cows came home, but it’s not my call.  Those whiny ******* in PR keep calling Kraft, and he’s getting pissed.

The Gronk:  What do you mean, “they keep calling him?”  Don’t they know that he’s at Slut Fest 9, crushing box right now?

Belichick:  Yes, they know that!  But those prudes don’t respect a man’s right to bone.  Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but you need to settle down.

The Gronk:  Do my ears deceive me?  Am I really being told to cut the party short, all because some 4/10s in PR are mad about some pictures getting over-bro-own?  If I gave those hos a taste of The Gronk, I promise you they’d change their tone in a heartbeat.

Belichick:  We both know that’s true, but all it takes is one ungrateful deepthroat to run to the media and **** this up for all of us, and we can’t afford that risk.  If it will make you feel better, you know you can always bro-down with some sluts in my penthouse on the Harbor.  It’s like a goddamn carousel I’m running over there these days.

The Gronk:  [sighs] ****, brah.  I guess I can try to operate on the down-bro, but I can’t make any promises.

Belichick:  That’s all I ask, Bromaha.

They exchange a super-chill bro hug.

Belichick:  Oh, yeah.  Can you send up a few more girls when you leave?

The Gronk:  Of course, dude.  What kind do you want today?

Belichick:  Two asians, one black one, and three Filipinos.  I’ve been working on something I want to try out.

The Gronk:  They’ll be up in 10 minutes.  I’ll get out of here now so you can get ready.

Belichick:  You’re the brost of the town.  Thank you.

The Gronk and Belichick exchange a knowing nod.  The Gronk leaves.

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