Things you should be doing over Thanksgiving break

Like Lester Burnham, I really have no interest in saving myself today. Most people aren't at work, which means my readership is probably at a good, solid seven and a half as opposed to the usual 22 or so. Why should I work hard if no one is looking? That's my motto and it explains my far-reaching success.

Instead, I'm just going to give you a list of things you should be doing over the next four days in order to better yourself and the world. Maybe not the world. Or yourself, actually. Whatever. Just read what I write and shut up.

Thursday
Clearly you should be eating and drinking and telling your mom to get off your back about when you're going to make her a grandmother. It's your life, not hers! You never understood.

But before, during and after, you should be enjoying these three football games.

Packers at Lions, 12:30 p.m. -- I would say over the lasts 10 years, I have woken up before the start of the game four times. There's just something so nice about rolling out of bed and seeing the Lions down 17-0 early in the second quarter. And with Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson likely both out, this has bloodbath written all over it. Bloodbath is a weird term. Has anyone ever bathed in blood? I mean literally, not rubbing your victim's blood on you after a kill in order to absorb his power. I mean a genuine, fill the tub with blood, bloodbath.

Raiders at Cowboys, 4:15 p.m. -- In terms of the real Thanksgiving games and not the fake third one the NFL invented, we could have the two biggest blowouts ever. The crappier teams are coming off emotional wins, and on top of that, they are crappy. The Cowboys might rush for 400 yards in this game, which should be the last one Tony Romo wins all season.

No. 3 Texas at Texas Tech -- Don't you love how they slip a college football game into the mix. There you are, hand down your pants, inhaling your farts that smell exactly like stuffing, flipping through the channels, and...WHOA! College football! Of course by the time you remember this game is being played, Colt McCoy will be sitting out the second half of a 42-7 game and texting Sam Bradford to see if he wants to meet later for drinks.

Giants at Broncos, 8:20 p.m. -- I don't know how Lions and Cowboys fans do it. Isn't it hyper-annoying when your team plays on this holiday every year? The Giants do it once and I really don't want to deal. This game could very easily be 45-41, because the Giants secondary (someone how ranked No. 2 in the league) can't cover anyone. Most of America will probably be defecated gravy-coated feces for most of this contest, so I'm not sure why they'd even play it.

Friday
This is really a great day. There's nothing like waking up on Friday, having three more days before you have to go back to work, AND seeing college football on your TV. It's like when you get that extra hour of sleep when the clocks get set back, only you're getting an extra day of football.

Three unbeatens are playing; Alabama at Auburn (2:30), Illinois at Cincinnati (noon) and Nevada at Boise State (10:00).

I know the bitter douchebag in you wants to see these teams lose, but you have to be pulling for as many undefeated teams as possible so we can all stop hearing about how important the regular season is in college football. You want that phrase to ring as hollow as possible. However, I can almost guarantee one of the three loses Friday, be it on their own or by some form of referee shenanigans. If I had to pick one, which I don't, I'd say Boise State loses.

Saturday
Undefeated Florida is at home to Florida State and undefeated TCU is at home against New Mexico. Root for the zero-lossers.

There aren't a lot of great college basketball games to speak of, so you might have to fill your life with something other than sports for a few hours before you go out of a night on the town of heavy drinking and sex in bar bathrooms.

Sunday
It's just an absolute nightmare of a Sunday. There are no games where both teams are over .500 on the schedule. The game of the day will likely wind up being the Steelers at the Ravens, only because Ben Roethlisberger will suffer a horrific second concussion and be lost for the season because teams are shockingly ambivalent about letting players with concussions back on the field right away. Being fat doesn't mean your brain has a stronger shell protecting it.

And that's it. Monday will be fun, because I've got a bona fide celebrity guest-posting that day while I'm in Atlantic City trying to win a poker tournament so I don't have to work anymore. It's not that I don't like working, but it's that I like not working.