Originally posted on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 5/8/12

I’ve completely run out of ways to defend you Tom. I’ve taken bullets for you left and right, but this latest stunt of yours is the straw that broke the camel’s back. There’s nothing else I can do.

It was bad enough that I tried to tell people “The camera just caught him at the wrong moment” when you were filmed on a water slide auditioning for a tampon commercial.  When you had our hair down to your shoulders and started acting like an adult Justin Bieber, I told everyone that you were like Samson, and you held your power in you hair. Then you went out and lost the Super Bowl.

Now? You roll on to the red carpet looking like David Beckham’s pubes, and you expect me to defend you again? Tom, I’m exhausted. I’m amazed that with that haircut you aren’t smoking long cigarettes and beginning a new career peddling women in the underground European sex trade.

Is Gisele that controlling, or do you just feel like your stunning good looks are enough to overcome any level of douchebaggery? Well Tom, not today. Maybe if you pulled this crap in 2004 I could have lived with it. Today I take a stand. Until you start winning Super Bowls again, there is no excuse for you walking around like you just finished playing in finals of La Liga and are now headed over Cristiano Ronaldo’s penthouse to “listen to house music.”

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