Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/20/14


Did you remember Father's Day is just around the corner? "Oh, ****, no!" Yeah, well ... I'll give you like 20 seconds to go send a card but you done messed up already, you know that right? Regardless, Father's Day holds a special place in our hearts at Purple Jesus Diaries because it helps us be reminded of our favorite father, namely, whichever deity you worship that helped spawn the great Purple Jesus. But enough about us. Let's look at YOU.

Chances are - if you're not a total bag of asshole - you bought your father a present for Father's Day. There is also a slight chance that it is a Minnesota Vikings gift. If that's the case, that was probably a bad choice. A football novelty item on Father's Day? Why not a fine bottle of Lagavulin 16, or a prime cut steak, or a roasted pig on a pike. Do something AWESOME for your dad, like Purple Jesus does every time he's on the football field. Instead, you bought a crappy Vikings present, and that says something about you. Something bad.


QB Sneak New Era Vikings Hat: Hey, I know what you're thinking here. It's a baseball cap! That's innocent enough, right? People always wear baseball caps! And you would be right, except that you apparently keep thinking that a baseball cap means a baseball style cap with a football team's logo on it. That is not what it means. This hat means that your father is the worst kind of white trash that is going to bend this bill until it looks like a cannoli, and stain it up with sweat rings fit for an undershirt. Also, keep in mind it's ugly as ****. It has the most visually complex team logo on the front portions of the hat likely up to THREE times, with two of those times where it's appearing as see-through. Gross. So now you have a mesh trucker hat for your white trash father, all for $30 which would have instead bought him at least a lap dance at the Seville. You are a horrible child.


Vikings Pint Glasses: Well, this has to be better! Instead of having your father wear his trash on the outside, now he can just sit at home and be an alcoholic out of the public eye! How did you imagine the conversation going when he opened this gift? "Here dad, I bought you a 16 ounce pint glass to fit your pilsner beer you like to drink before you bruise my face." "Thanks son, now shut the **** up while I fill this glass with tears." This should go over well. There's nothing like being an enabler to really make you shine on your father's big day. He'll remember that later on, when he wakes up from his drunken Hulk rampage the next afternoon.


First and Ten Wooden Sign: Maybe your dad doesn't fit the bill from either of the above. He's not really white trash, and while he certainly likes to drink, it's not pilsner beer out of a Vikings pint glass. Hey, we're in Minnesota so he probably enjoys fishing, hunting, cabins, canoes, snow shoes, caribou finger banging, and open fields of wheat. The outdoorsy "First and Ten" sign seems perfect for that dad! Except that it's a lie. Reminding him about when the Vikings get the ball after a kickoff when they are already down 7-0 and then go three and out. You think that's a thoughtful gift? Do you also always give him North Korean helmets to remind him about his buddy that died in the war? That's super nice of you, dick.


Sideline Power Vikings Tee: Here we are, your last option. A simple t-shirt. You can't go wrong with that, for sure. He can wear it on the weekends, to the gym even, maybe on Friday's to work during casual days during the NFL season. It's fine! It's cheap (on sale, too, down to below $15!) and it's a sideline style shirt that all the pros wear during the game! Oh, he will DEFINITELY look just like them, standing there with his beer gut, before he sits down in his favorite chair because his legs are too tired from holding his ass up, and then ultimately laying down and passing out on the carpet because he's so day drunk. But at least then you'll be able to read the moronic sideways writing on the shirt in that ugly font. Always have to stay positive!

So what's the lesson here? First, don't ever have kids. They will only ruin your life with ****** presents. Second, if you do have kids, tell them for every present they get you that sucks on Father's Day you will murder one of their pets. It's only fair.

[follow]
GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Five bubble teams playing well heading into March

Falcons release Steven Jackson

Bill Walton has some words of advice for Derrick Rose

Five under-the-radar National Player of the Year candidates

Report: NFL to appeal Adrian Peterson ruling

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Dez Bryant's mother in 2012: Dez threatened to knock me out

Full offseason breakdown for all 32 NFL teams

Brandon Bostick received death threats after botched play

Report: Judge rules against Adrian Peterson suspension

Ex-Louisville player charged with rape, sodomy

Hank Aaron 'rooting' for Alex Rodriguez to succeed in return

Johan Santana signed by Blue Jays to minor league deal

Leafs trade David Clarkson to Blue Jackets For Nathan Horton

Panthers acquire Jaromir Jagr from Devils

Russell Westbrook is surging into the MVP conversation

HBO picks up The Rock’s football series, ‘Ballers’

The key offseason moves for every MLB team

Giancarlo Stanton gets first-ever customized facemask

Ronda Rousey, Arianny Celeste have verbal sparring match

Dallas sportscaster back with another powerful essay

The many parallels of Derrick Rose and Penny Hardaway

Ex-homeless Baylor RB admits he broke rules

Why the Lions should let Ndamukong Suh walk

NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Russell Westbrook is surging into the MVP conversation

Five-round NFL Mock Draft

Key offseason moves for every MLB team

Bostick received death threats after botched play

Rousey, Arianny Celeste get into it

Dallas sportscaster back with another powerful essay

The parallels of Rose and Hardaway

Offseason breakdown for all 32 NFL teams

On Josh Hamilton's addiction and feeling alone

Judge rules against AP's suspension

Why the Lions should let Suh walk

Chris Jones charged with rape, sodomy

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.