Originally written June 15, 2012 on Purple Jesus Diaries:


Did you remember Father's Day is just around the corner? "Oh, ****, no!" Yeah, well ... I'll give you like 20 seconds to go send a card but you done messed up already, you know that right? Regardless, Father's Day holds a special place in our hearts at Purple Jesus Diaries because it helps us be reminded of our favorite father, namely, whichever deity you worship that helped spawn the great Purple Jesus. But enough about us. Let's look at YOU.

Chances are - if you're not a total bag of asshole - you bought your father a present for Father's Day. There is also a slight chance that it is a Minnesota Vikings gift. If that's the case, that was probably a bad choice. A football novelty item on Father's Day? Why not a fine bottle of Lagavulin 16, or a prime cut steak, or a roasted pig on a pike. Do something AWESOME for your dad, like Purple Jesus does every time he's on the football field. Instead, you bought a crappy Vikings present, and that says something about you. Something bad.


QB Sneak New Era Vikings Hat: Hey, I know what you're thinking here. It's a baseball cap! That's innocent enough, right? People always wear baseball caps! And you would be right, except that you apparently keep thinking that a baseball cap means a baseball style cap with a football team's logo on it. That is not what it means. This hat means that your father is the worst kind of white trash that is going to bend this bill until it looks like a cannoli, and stain it up with sweat rings fit for an undershirt. Also, keep in mind it's ugly as ****. It has the most visually complex team logo on the front portions of the hat likely up to THREE times, with two of those times where it's appearing as see-through. Gross. So now you have a mesh trucker hat for your white trash father, all for $30 which would have instead bought him at least a lap dance at the Seville. You are a horrible child.


Vikings Pint Glasses: Well, this has to be better! Instead of having your father wear his trash on the outside, now he can just sit at home and be an alcoholic out of the public eye! How did you imagine the conversation going when he opened this gift? "Here dad, I bought you a 16 ounce pint glass to fit your pilsner beer you like to drink before you bruise my face." "Thanks son, now shut the **** up while I fill this glass with tears." This should go over well. There's nothing like being an enabler to really make you shine on your father's big day. He'll remember that later on, when he wakes up from his drunken Hulk rampage the next afternoon.


First and Ten Wooden Sign: Maybe your dad doesn't fit the bill from either of the above. He's not really white trash, and while he certainly likes to drink, it's not pilsner beer out of a Vikings pint glass. Hey, we're in Minnesota so he probably enjoys fishing, hunting, cabins, canoes, snow shoes, caribou finger banging, and open fields of wheat. The outdoorsy "First and Ten" sign seems perfect for that dad! Except that it's a lie. Reminding him about when the Vikings get the ball after a kickoff when they are already down 7-0 and then go three and out. You think that's a thoughtful gift? Do you also always give him North Korean helmets to remind him about his buddy that died in the war? That's super nice of you, dick.


Sideline Power Vikings Tee: Here we are, your last option. A simple t-shirt. You can't go wrong with that, for sure. He can wear it on the weekends, to the gym even, maybe on Friday's to work during casual days during the NFL season. It's fine! It's cheap (on sale, too, down to below $15!) and it's a sideline style shirt that all the pros wear during the game! Oh, he will DEFINITELY look just like them, standing there with his beer gut, before he sits down in his favorite chair because his legs are too tired from holding his ass up, and then ultimately laying down and passing out on the carpet because he's so day drunk. But at least then you'll be able to read the moronic sideways writing on the shirt in that ugly font. Always have to stay positive!

So what's the lesson here? First, don't ever have kids. They will only ruin your life with ****** presents. Second, if you do have kids, tell them for every present they get you that sucks on Father's Day you will murder one of their pets. It's only fair.

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