I was sitting around last night fluffing myself, trying not to think about the Vikings before I lose my arousal, but then it was too late. I reflected on the 2012 season and found myself flaccid immediately, but I had also just flicked through the Golden Globes and saw Adele's face. Boom, tying the sweats back up tight, game over.
I also then remembered that it was award season, and since the Minnesota Vikings' season is over, it's time for us to reflect. That means it's time for another round of Purple Jesus Diaries Mushroom Stampies Awards. For those unfamiliar, the Mushroom Stamp Award is the weekly award we give to a player or individual associated with the Vikings after each game. During wins, we award the Mushroom Stamp of Approval award, and during defeats it is the Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval award. Pretty straight forward. In most seasons, we refrain from giving the positive awards to Adrian Peterson every week, because holy ****, that would be so unfair. Were we able to keep that promise in 2012? Well, no, but the results of the Stampies this year may surprise you.
Amazingly, the PJD Mushroom Stamps end up being pretty telling about how the Minnesota Vikings season occurred. In fact, I feel comfortable saying it's the only reliable quasi-statistical measurement that can describe the ups and downs of any normal season. So what do the Stampies say about the 2012 season? Some notes:
- Remember Percy Harvin? It's hard to even recall what he was like on this team in 2012. But look back to Week Four against the Lions, where Percy ran a 105-yard opening kickoff return back for a touchdown, and in Week Five where he had over 100 yards receiving, and both a rushing and receiving touchdown against the Titans, and you remember how much he helped this team. I can't help but think how awesome the Vikings would have been down the stretch if he was healthy and/or wasn't poltergeist all over Leslie Frazier to get on IR.
- Blair Walsh obviously deserves all the recognition he gets, by the NFL and by Purple Jesus Diaries, obviously. He won his award in Week One where he burst on the scene and kicked a game winning field goal against the Jaguars, who turned out to be terrible. Either way, that's some stone cold **** to do in your first NFL game as a rookie kicker.
- Christian Ponder proved to be the most polarizing player on the team this year, and these scientific numbers certainly match up with the eye test. He started the year off hot by not throwing an interception for like five games while every other NFL quarterback was doing so, then slumped HARD where he couldn't even top 50 yards in passing or something, but finished strong down the stretch and was awarded the Stamp thanks for helping win games against the Texans and Lions late. Not bad for a guy who played with his shirt on ALL SEASON.
- Leslie Frazier took a team that was horrible, absolutely THE WORST at 3-13 last season, and got them to 10-6 and the playoffs. That's pretty good, regardless of who the team is. But despite that, man alive, he had some boneheaded coaching decisions in 2012. The Harvin debacle was ugly, but his game plan when the team was in Chicago was horrendous. On the plus side, he did seem to be "getting it" as a head coach more and more as the year went on, but god dammit, our coaches. Bill Musgrave? His face looks like he just looked into the Ark of the Covenant.
- Jerome Simpson was awarded the Poop Stamp during the Bucs game because everyone sucked. But he also sucked the whole season, so it's nice to know that he ended up with one diarrhea smear as some point.
- Is it hard to believe that Peterson ended up with three Stamps of Approval in 2012, despite our insistence not to award him any stamps? Of course not. His near record setting year and single handily winning games down the stretch made it too hard for me to not award him. Christ, the dude ran for over 200 yards consistently. What the hell is that even?!
- I guess I didn't get around to awarding a stamp after the Texans game because of the holidays, but Ponder WOULD have gotten that one, I think. He came up big then. Or the defense. But since it wasn't officially recorded, we can't count it. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. DEAL WITH IT.
So with that all said and done, the surprise is probably out of the bad. But you know what? It's been obvious all along. And so ...
This year's 2012 Mushroom Stampie Award winner is ... ADRIAN PETERSON!!
Peterson joins a select group of Stampie winners from over the years:
- 2009 Mushroom Stampie Approval winner Percy Harvin
- 2010 Mushroom Stampie Approval winner Purple Jesus
- 2011 Mushroom Stampie Disapproval winner Christian Ponder
Congrats to Peterson, the only player to win the Stampie award twice in our history. Of course, this makes perfect sense. To review the entire season's worth of award winners, you can check out our very robust and smelly Facebook photo album that has all the Stamped images and notes with the winners.
Thus concludes our brown annals recognizing Vikings players. For the Purple Jesus, this award is well deserved, and I'm only more excited for when he rushes for 3,000 yards next season. LET'S DO IT.