Originally written on Midway Illustrated  |  Last updated 10/8/12

3:19 PM Central -  Confession.  I got delayed watching Kirk Jesus Cousins make his first NFL appearance, in relief of a concussed RG3, on the local Redskins broadcast.  As a life-long, utterly unhinged Michigan State Spartan, I simply could not look away as he took the field.  I hope he takes over for Cutler in 2020 when Cutler retires after his 3rd Super Bowl title.  And yes, I’ve been smoking crack.  You want some?

 

While purchasing the domain name for www.KirkCousinsIsLordAndSavior.com, I simultaneously refreshed my 2008 Blackberry phone for Bears-Jaguars updates.  Jay Cutler was intercepted on a 3rd and 1 on the Bears’ opening possession, at the Bears 45.  Apparently it was off a bad snap though, so I was not overly concerned.  My Cutler-like indifference and faith in the monstrous Bears defense were rewarded with a defensive stop as I screeched into the parking lot, eager to fill myself with beer and victory.

I enter the bar in time to see Jay Cutler deliver a first down strike to Kellen Freakin’ Davis.  Spartans Will.

This drive begins from the 9 yard line, but surely will end with a Chicago Bear spiking a football on the generic cat logo in the end zone, if their end zones even have logos.  Not like they spend much time in them, so why bother?  Also, the Jaguars logo really doesn’t strike me as very species-specific.  It could easily be a leopard or cheetah.  Clearly it needs to be revised to a hologram meme of a guy punting on 4th and 6.  Jaguars suck.

Marshall.  First down.  Forte, first down.  Bush, 9 yards.  Kellen Davis again, and the Bears enter the Red Zone.  So many weapons, I’m having a brain-gasm.  Trading for Brandon Marshall, drafting Alshon Jeffery, signing Michael Bush, re-signing Forte and straight-up cutting Caleb Hanie was the best combined offseason maneuver since 1803 and the Louisiana Purchase.  And the Super Bowl is in New Orleans this year.  Coincidence?  I think not.

3rd and long.  Alshon Jeffery only drags one foot in bounds in the end zone.  Incomplete.  Gould gives the Bears a 3-0 lead with a 32 yard field goal.  Not bad for a drive that started at the 9 yard line.  Beer time!

The substantial Bears fan section of the bar just erupted, hate-watching the Packers choke away their 21-3 halftime lead of the Colts.  Andrew Luck hit Reggie Wayne for a 4-yard touchdown pass with 25 seconds left, and the Colts added a 2-point conversion to put them up 30-27.  Rodgers expertly leads the Packers into long field goal range, but Mason Crosby brutally shanks a 51 yard field goal attempt all the way to South Bend.  Colts win!  Packers are *2-3!  HATE! HATE! HATE!

Meanwhile, the Jaguars have put together a nice drive, and are threatening to score, as the first quarter ends.  3-0 Bears.

2nd Quarter:

3rd and 15 for the Jaguars in the Red Zone.  Incomplete!  Jags settle for a field goal and a 3-3 tie.

Bears start from their 20.  It’s apparently 100 degrees down on the field.  Jesus.  I can’t even watch TV, indoors, in that heat.

Forte crosses midfield and gives the Bears another first down.  59 yards for Forte so far.  Welcome back, Matt.

Forte almost makes a one-handed circus catch on 3rd and 5.  Forced to punt, the Bears pin the Jags back at the 2.  Blaine Gabbert probably just wet his pants.

No turnover, but the Bears force a 3-and-out.

Sweet Moses, check out the Jaguars cheerleaders.  Now that’s how you fight breast cancer!

 

 

The Bears go 3-and-out, Jags start at their own 21.  A holding penalty negates a big 1st down to Blackmon across midfield.  But Gabbert pulls the Jags out of a 1st-and-20 hole and converts on 3rd down.

 

Cecil Shorts, who sounds like a character from “Downton Abbey”, hauls in a one-handed catch, deep down the right sideline, placing Jacksonville on the cusp of the Red Zone, but never, ever on the cusp of relevancy.

Two-Minute Warning.

FUMBLE FUMBLE FUMBLE!  Corey Wooten flies off the edge, drills Gabbert in the back, and recovers the fumble, giving the Bears their 15th forced turnover in less than 5 games this season.

Back-to-back screens to Forte push the Bears across the 40 with 1:30-ish left.

Holding, Carimi.  Boo.

Marshall nabs a 15 yard reception near the 50, then drops down with an apparent knee injury.  I will weep for days if Marshall misses any significant time.

And… moments later, Marshall returns, just in time to watch Dane Sanzenbacher try to Bogart a pass clearly targeted for Brandon on a 3rd and 10 from the Jags’ 43.  How Dane would assume he is anything other than a last resort is beyond me.  Dane is the sea donkey with the bug eyes and the low-cut glittery top falling off her bar stool at last call.  You don’t want to, but… it’s 3rd and 10, bro.

Halftime.  Bears – 3, Swamp Cats – 3.

Halftime Thoughts:

-         -     3 points against the Jags is unacceptable, but the Bears don’t seem to be doing anything wrong, schematically.  Much like the Cowboys game, poor field position has been a factor, along with a couple of offensive line slip-ups.  Keep pounding the ball with Forte and Bush, and the passing game will open up.

-        Thank God Marshall returned.  I was about to Google “generic Zoloft non-prescription no health insurance” on my 2008 Blackberry.

-        I just ordered jumbo soft pretzels with Guiness mustard.  Amurrrrica!

-        Screw it, I will stick with my 34-9 prediction from my game preview.  No way the Jags score a touchdown.  MARK BRUNELL IS NOT WORKING THROUGH THAT DOOR!!!

-    Sidebar:  ran into Mark Brunell in our hotel elevator when I was in Chicago for the Bears-Redskins game in 2005.  Did I tell him “hey man, I had your Jersey” or “I played with you in Madden 2001?” or “you were an inspiration to left-handers, like Steve young if he were likeable and, well, not a champion”?    No.  Totally just growled “BEARS!” as I slipped out of the elevator.

3rd quarter:

Da Bears start with the ball.  Let the 2nd half annihilation commence!

Brandon Marshall is a cyborg.  4 catches already on this drive, I believe, including a crucial 4th and 1.

The Bears tacks on 15 more yards as the Jaguars rough Cutler.  Yet again, the We Hate Cutler play yields results.

3rd and 8.  Cutler keeps the play alive and scrambles past the marker and out of bounds for a 9 yard gain.  1st and goal BEARS.

3rd and goal from the 3.  Carimi guilty on back-to-back false starts in the quiet museum formerly known as Alltel Stadium.  Never trust a Badger.

3rd and goal from the 13.  Incomplete to Marshall, who seemed to be adjusting the receiver’s glove on his right hand as he ran toward the end zone.

The Gould Standard delivers again, giving the Bears a 6-3 lead.  The Bears ate up 9:07 off the clock on the drive.  25+ minutes of rest + Bears Defense = Jaguars DOOM.

Bears – 6, Generic Swamp Cats – 3.

A Jaguars penalty leaves them with a 1st and 20.

PEANUT!  Charles Tillman picks off Blaine Gabbert’s pass and gallops for a touchdown, his 2nd pick-six in two weeks.

I enter a mob of high-fiving, chest-bumping Bears fans at the bar.  Pretty sure somebody just got pregnant.  9 months until more Bears fans shall roam the Earth.  Glorious.

Bears – 13, Spayed Cats – 3.

The Jags start from their own 3 after back-to-back penalties on the kickoff return and their first aborted play.

3rd and long.  CRUNCH!  OOF!  BOOM.  Lance Briggs desecrates Gabbert at the 2.  Time to Punt/QUIT.

The Bears section here holds its breath for a Hester touchdown return, but his meager yards are negated by a penalty.  No matter.  A 10 point lead feels like 40 against the Jaguars. Time to open things up and bury this Podunk franchise.

Marshall goes over 100 yards for the 3rd time in 5 games.

SHAZAM!  Michael Bush hurdles two Jaguars on a screen pass on 3rd and 15, and picks up a demoralizing first down inside the 20.

 

 

Bush rumbles inside the 10.  1st and goal BEARS BEARS BEARS.  End of 3rd quarter.  13-3, Beautiful Bears.

 

4th Quarter:

Alshon Jeffery!  TOUCHDOWN Bears.  Jeffery’s size opposite Marshall is a matchup nightmare.  I most definitely started Jeffery in 3 fantasy leagues this week.  Had a feeling.  Now I have a different, let’s say, unprintable, feeling.

20-3 BEARS BEARS BEARS.  My hand stings from high-fives.  Is this the kind of “burn” or “good sore” people who work out regularly feel after “crushing reps”, or whatever it is they say?  Why try to be the best at picking things up and putting them back down again when you can pound hops and barley and dribble their sweet nectar all over your spiral notebook at a bar?  Advantage:  football.

As I got caught up talking with a fellow jovial Bears fan about the power and glory of the Chicago Bears, the following Bears events/thoughts took place:

-         A brutally efficient 94 yard drive, featuring a diving Devin Hester deep ball over the middle, and culminating in an F-You 24-yard touchdown pass to Brandon Marshall, Jacksonville’s cyborg overlord.

-        More chest bumping and shouting and chugging and sheer Bears ecstasy as my fellow Bears fans celebrate the 27-3 lead.

-        Lance Briggs intercepts Gabbert and scores a touchdown for the 2nd week in a row!  34-3 Bears with 7:53 left.

-        Bears fans at this suburban strip mall bar, a world away from Chicago, are tackling each other, pouring beer on their heads, and sacrificing virgin hostesses in the name of the almighty Chicago Bears.  OK, not really.  But name a more passionate, yet somehow not too delusional or too abrasive, fan base, in sports.   BEARS BEARS BEARS.

-        How much do Jaguars tickets cost?  $7?  Road Trip, 2018!

-        Gabbert must have cut his hair.  And I’m pretty sure he did it at a Sport Clips, while being subjected to his own depressing highlights from last week’s limp performance against the Bengals.  With a 3 year old screaming in fear at getting his first hair cut on one side of him, as the customer to the other side of him openly asks the barber if the Jaguars will finish 2-14 or 3-13, land the #1 pick and select Matt Barkley, or if they’ll have to trade up or perhaps take Geno Smith.

-        Jason Campbell relieves Cutler.  I order another beer as a celebratory reminder that Caleb Hanie can no longer put “ran once-promising Chicago Bears season into the ground” under his current employer section on his LinkedIn profile.

-        Armando Allen races for a 46 yard touchdown, and the Bears extend their laughable lead to 41-3.  I somehow managed to under-project the Bears dominance with my seemingly-outlandish 34-9 prediction.  Shame on me.

The Bears absolutely demolish the Jaguars, 41-3.  No wonder MJD held out.  If the Jaguars just packed up and moved now, would anyone notice?  They’d be like the middle daughter on “Family Matters”.  Just POOF, gone, with nary a mention and zero overarching ramifications.

DA BEARS, 4-1 heading into a bye week, before they host the floundering Detroit Lions on Monday Night Football in Week 7.  Bring it, Lions.

BEAR DOWN.

GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Miguel Cabrera headed to disabled list for 1st time in career

Report: San Antonio Spurs to sign LaMarcus Aldridge

WATCH: Serena Williams wags finger at Wimbledon crowd, says, 'Don’t try me'

Report: Rajon Rondo headed to Sacramento Kings

Dez Bryant deal with Cowboys could be announced Monday

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Brandon Saad, Ryan O’Reilly sign long-term contracts with Columbus, Buffalo

Mavs solidify future, sign Wesley Matthews, DeAndre Jordan

A-Rod, Yankees settle dispute over home run milestone bonus

Report: Robin Lopez, Knicks finalizing four-year deal

Becky Hammon will coach Spurs' Summer League team

Jimmy Butler on Derrick Rose: ‘I don’t think we have any issues’

All hope isn't completely lost for this year's Milwaukee Brewers

Report: Pacers, Lakers Discussing Roy Hibbert Trade

Watch: Pablo Sandoval falls over railing during catch

Report: Green Bay Packers’ player charged with firing a gun in Miami

Kawhi, LaMarcus, the mid-range and the Spurs' next epoch

Tennis: How can Rafael Nadal regain his dominance?

NBA Rumors: Cavs and Spurs vying for David West

Damian Lillard is the Blazers’ new franchise player

Bryce Harper flaunts patriotic bat, hits home run

Report: Magic will sign Tobias Harris to 4-year deal

The top American sports moments since the last Fourth of July

Nine former college football rivalries that need to come back

NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Russell Wilson 'would definitely consider' playing for Mariners

Solo, Rapinoe among USWNT stars up for World Cup awards

LBS on Sports Jeopardy! Here's how how it went

College football's 35 most patriotic helmets

A brief history of non-star All-Stars

With Love retained, the Cavs can take care of LeBron

Grading the deal: Davis commits to Pelicans

Obama Administration: Change name if Redskins move to D.C.

Deciding what the All-Star Game means

Odell Beckham Jr. offered professional baseball contract

Orioles keep finding a way to win

Lloyd sends USWNT to World Cup final

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.