3:19 PM Central - Confession. I got delayed watching Kirk Jesus Cousins make his first NFL appearance, in relief of a concussed RG3, on the local Redskins broadcast. As a life-long, utterly unhinged Michigan State Spartan, I simply could not look away as he took the field. I hope he takes over for Cutler in 2020 when Cutler retires after his 3rd Super Bowl title. And yes, I’ve been smoking crack. You want some?
While purchasing the domain name for www.KirkCousinsIsLordAndSavior.com, I simultaneously refreshed my 2008 Blackberry phone for Bears-Jaguars updates. Jay Cutler was intercepted on a 3rd and 1 on the Bears’ opening possession, at the Bears 45. Apparently it was off a bad snap though, so I was not overly concerned. My Cutler-like indifference and faith in the monstrous Bears defense were rewarded with a defensive stop as I screeched into the parking lot, eager to fill myself with beer and victory.
I enter the bar in time to see Jay Cutler deliver a first down strike to Kellen Freakin’ Davis. Spartans Will.
This drive begins from the 9 yard line, but surely will end with a Chicago Bear spiking a football on the generic cat logo in the end zone, if their end zones even have logos. Not like they spend much time in them, so why bother? Also, the Jaguars logo really doesn’t strike me as very species-specific. It could easily be a leopard or cheetah. Clearly it needs to be revised to a hologram meme of a guy punting on 4th and 6. Jaguars suck.
Marshall. First down. Forte, first down. Bush, 9 yards. Kellen Davis again, and the Bears enter the Red Zone. So many weapons, I’m having a brain-gasm. Trading for Brandon Marshall, drafting Alshon Jeffery, signing Michael Bush, re-signing Forte and straight-up cutting Caleb Hanie was the best combined offseason maneuver since 1803 and the Louisiana Purchase. And the Super Bowl is in New Orleans this year. Coincidence? I think not.
3rd and long. Alshon Jeffery only drags one foot in bounds in the end zone. Incomplete. Gould gives the Bears a 3-0 lead with a 32 yard field goal. Not bad for a drive that started at the 9 yard line. Beer time!
The substantial Bears fan section of the bar just erupted, hate-watching the Packers choke away their 21-3 halftime lead of the Colts. Andrew Luck hit Reggie Wayne for a 4-yard touchdown pass with 25 seconds left, and the Colts added a 2-point conversion to put them up 30-27. Rodgers expertly leads the Packers into long field goal range, but Mason Crosby brutally shanks a 51 yard field goal attempt all the way to South Bend. Colts win! Packers are *2-3! HATE! HATE! HATE!
Meanwhile, the Jaguars have put together a nice drive, and are threatening to score, as the first quarter ends. 3-0 Bears.
3rd and 15 for the Jaguars in the Red Zone. Incomplete! Jags settle for a field goal and a 3-3 tie.
Bears start from their 20. It’s apparently 100 degrees down on the field. Jesus. I can’t even watch TV, indoors, in that heat.
Forte crosses midfield and gives the Bears another first down. 59 yards for Forte so far. Welcome back, Matt.
Forte almost makes a one-handed circus catch on 3rd and 5. Forced to punt, the Bears pin the Jags back at the 2. Blaine Gabbert probably just wet his pants.
No turnover, but the Bears force a 3-and-out.
Sweet Moses, check out the Jaguars cheerleaders. Now that’s how you fight breast cancer!
The Bears go 3-and-out, Jags start at their own 21. A holding penalty negates a big 1st down to Blackmon across midfield. But Gabbert pulls the Jags out of a 1st-and-20 hole and converts on 3rd down.
Cecil Shorts, who sounds like a character from “Downton Abbey”, hauls in a one-handed catch, deep down the right sideline, placing Jacksonville on the cusp of the Red Zone, but never, ever on the cusp of relevancy.
FUMBLE FUMBLE FUMBLE! Corey Wooten flies off the edge, drills Gabbert in the back, and recovers the fumble, giving the Bears their 15th forced turnover in less than 5 games this season.
Back-to-back screens to Forte push the Bears across the 40 with 1:30-ish left.
Holding, Carimi. Boo.
Marshall nabs a 15 yard reception near the 50, then drops down with an apparent knee injury. I will weep for days if Marshall misses any significant time.
And… moments later, Marshall returns, just in time to watch Dane Sanzenbacher try to Bogart a pass clearly targeted for Brandon on a 3rd and 10 from the Jags’ 43. How Dane would assume he is anything other than a last resort is beyond me. Dane is the sea donkey with the bug eyes and the low-cut glittery top falling off her bar stool at last call. You don’t want to, but… it’s 3rd and 10, bro.
Halftime. Bears – 3, Swamp Cats – 3.
- - 3 points against the Jags is unacceptable, but the Bears don’t seem to be doing anything wrong, schematically. Much like the Cowboys game, poor field position has been a factor, along with a couple of offensive line slip-ups. Keep pounding the ball with Forte and Bush, and the passing game will open up.
- Thank God Marshall returned. I was about to Google “generic Zoloft non-prescription no health insurance” on my 2008 Blackberry.
- I just ordered jumbo soft pretzels with Guiness mustard. Amurrrrica!
- Screw it, I will stick with my 34-9 prediction from my game preview. No way the Jags score a touchdown. MARK BRUNELL IS NOT WORKING THROUGH THAT DOOR!!!
- Sidebar: ran into Mark Brunell in our hotel elevator when I was in Chicago for the Bears-Redskins game in 2005. Did I tell him “hey man, I had your Jersey” or “I played with you in Madden 2001?” or “you were an inspiration to left-handers, like Steve young if he were likeable and, well, not a champion”? No. Totally just growled “BEARS!” as I slipped out of the elevator.
Da Bears start with the ball. Let the 2nd half annihilation commence!
Brandon Marshall is a cyborg. 4 catches already on this drive, I believe, including a crucial 4th and 1.
The Bears tacks on 15 more yards as the Jaguars rough Cutler. Yet again, the We Hate Cutler play yields results.
3rd and 8. Cutler keeps the play alive and scrambles past the marker and out of bounds for a 9 yard gain. 1st and goal BEARS.
3rd and goal from the 3. Carimi guilty on back-to-back false starts in the quiet museum formerly known as Alltel Stadium. Never trust a Badger.
3rd and goal from the 13. Incomplete to Marshall, who seemed to be adjusting the receiver’s glove on his right hand as he ran toward the end zone.
The Gould Standard delivers again, giving the Bears a 6-3 lead. The Bears ate up 9:07 off the clock on the drive. 25+ minutes of rest + Bears Defense = Jaguars DOOM.
Bears – 6, Generic Swamp Cats – 3.
A Jaguars penalty leaves them with a 1st and 20.
PEANUT! Charles Tillman picks off Blaine Gabbert’s pass and gallops for a touchdown, his 2nd pick-six in two weeks.
I enter a mob of high-fiving, chest-bumping Bears fans at the bar. Pretty sure somebody just got pregnant. 9 months until more Bears fans shall roam the Earth. Glorious.
Bears – 13, Spayed Cats – 3.
The Jags start from their own 3 after back-to-back penalties on the kickoff return and their first aborted play.
3rd and long. CRUNCH! OOF! BOOM. Lance Briggs desecrates Gabbert at the 2. Time to Punt/QUIT.
The Bears section here holds its breath for a Hester touchdown return, but his meager yards are negated by a penalty. No matter. A 10 point lead feels like 40 against the Jaguars. Time to open things up and bury this Podunk franchise.
Marshall goes over 100 yards for the 3rd time in 5 games.
SHAZAM! Michael Bush hurdles two Jaguars on a screen pass on 3rd and 15, and picks up a demoralizing first down inside the 20.
Bush rumbles inside the 10. 1st and goal BEARS BEARS BEARS. End of 3rd quarter. 13-3, Beautiful Bears.
Alshon Jeffery! TOUCHDOWN Bears. Jeffery’s size opposite Marshall is a matchup nightmare. I most definitely started Jeffery in 3 fantasy leagues this week. Had a feeling. Now I have a different, let’s say, unprintable, feeling.
20-3 BEARS BEARS BEARS. My hand stings from high-fives. Is this the kind of “burn” or “good sore” people who work out regularly feel after “crushing reps”, or whatever it is they say? Why try to be the best at picking things up and putting them back down again when you can pound hops and barley and dribble their sweet nectar all over your spiral notebook at a bar? Advantage: football.
As I got caught up talking with a fellow jovial Bears fan about the power and glory of the Chicago Bears, the following Bears events/thoughts took place:
- A brutally efficient 94 yard drive, featuring a diving Devin Hester deep ball over the middle, and culminating in an F-You 24-yard touchdown pass to Brandon Marshall, Jacksonville’s cyborg overlord.
- More chest bumping and shouting and chugging and sheer Bears ecstasy as my fellow Bears fans celebrate the 27-3 lead.
- Lance Briggs intercepts Gabbert and scores a touchdown for the 2nd week in a row! 34-3 Bears with 7:53 left.
- Bears fans at this suburban strip mall bar, a world away from Chicago, are tackling each other, pouring beer on their heads, and sacrificing virgin hostesses in the name of the almighty Chicago Bears. OK, not really. But name a more passionate, yet somehow not too delusional or too abrasive, fan base, in sports. BEARS BEARS BEARS.
- How much do Jaguars tickets cost? $7? Road Trip, 2018!
- Gabbert must have cut his hair. And I’m pretty sure he did it at a Sport Clips, while being subjected to his own depressing highlights from last week’s limp performance against the Bengals. With a 3 year old screaming in fear at getting his first hair cut on one side of him, as the customer to the other side of him openly asks the barber if the Jaguars will finish 2-14 or 3-13, land the #1 pick and select Matt Barkley, or if they’ll have to trade up or perhaps take Geno Smith.
- Jason Campbell relieves Cutler. I order another beer as a celebratory reminder that Caleb Hanie can no longer put “ran once-promising Chicago Bears season into the ground” under his current employer section on his LinkedIn profile.
- Armando Allen races for a 46 yard touchdown, and the Bears extend their laughable lead to 41-3. I somehow managed to under-project the Bears dominance with my seemingly-outlandish 34-9 prediction. Shame on me.
The Bears absolutely demolish the Jaguars, 41-3. No wonder MJD held out. If the Jaguars just packed up and moved now, would anyone notice? They’d be like the middle daughter on “Family Matters”. Just POOF, gone, with nary a mention and zero overarching ramifications.
DA BEARS, 4-1 heading into a bye week, before they host the floundering Detroit Lions on Monday Night Football in Week 7. Bring it, Lions.
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