Found March 06, 2013 on Awful Announcing:
This week ESPN has been forced into covering the NHL thanks to the incredible streak of the Chicago Blackhawks, which has now reached 23 straight games with a point to start the NHL season. Because SportsCenter actually hasn't covered the NHL in years, and because the daytime editions of SportsCenter are quickly becoming nothing but mindless talk and meaningless debate that makes you want to put your brain through a meat grinder, the Blackhawks streak has proved to be a nightmare scenario for Bristol.  The streak has become a large enough story nationally for ESPN to actually pay attention to hockey beyond the one minute cameos where Barry Melrose is let out of whatever Bristol dungeon he's kept in. The result?  ESPN embarrassingly trotting out Stephen A. Smith to try and analyze the Blackhawks' streak, even though he was not aware of the basic premises of the sport.  The next day it was college basketball analyst Seth Greenberg's turn to try and debate the merits of the Blackhawks, evidently because he was the guy standing closest to the set at the time.  Today, it was Chris Broussard's turn. But instead of just throwing our hands up in the air and wondering why ESPN has basically given up on producing quality television and throwing random people on national television to talk about the NHL, we want to help.  If the live daytime episodes of SportsCenter are going to spiral into a black hole abyss never to emerge, at least we should be entertained along the way. Here's a completely serious list of the people at ESPN we'd like to see break down the Chicago Blackhawks next... (See if you can spot the people that actually cover hockey!) 1. Norman Chad 2. Howie Schwab 3. Peter Alliss 4. Liam Neeson 5. Teddy Atlas 6. Tommy Smyth 7. Roger Cossack 8. Sal Paolantonio 9. Gonzalo Le Batard 10. Matthew Berry 11. John Clayton 12. Brett McMurphy 13. Marty Smith 14. Hubie Brown 15. Jenn Brown 16. Brad Gilbert 17. Dan Rafeal 18. John Buccigross 19. Shannon Spake 20. Brian Phillips 21. Lester Munson 22. Ricky Craven 23. Randy Pedersen 24. Steve McManaman 25. Katie Baker T26. Joe Lunardi T26. Brad Edwards 28. Hank Goldberg 29. Carolyn Peck 30. Pierre LeBrun 31. Tony Reali 32. Marianela 33. Danny Kanell 34. Reese Waters 35. DJ Rob Swift 36. Darren Woodson 37. Taylor Twellman 38. Scott Burnside 39. Heads on sticks 40. Mel Kiper Jr.  41. Chad Ford 42. Charissa Thompson 43. Wright Thompson 44. Fran Fraschilla 45. Jeff Van Gundy 46. Paul Azinger 47. Kenny Mayne 48. Tom Luginbill 49. SVP & Russillo 50. Bill Simmons 67. Jonathan Coachman 71. Shaka Hislop 73. Brock Huard 82. Lee Corso 99. Herm Edwards 109. Whoever the analyst is for the Spelling Bee 110. Whoever the analyst is for the Crossfit Games 111. John Skipper 122. A rotating panel from ESPN PR 134. Darren Rovell 177. Hank the security guard 218. Brent Musburger 256. This guy 257. Barry Claus 313. Mike & Mike 362. Joe from accounting 398. Chuck Klosterman 400. Bill Kazmaier 411. Rick Reilly 469. Magic Johnson 554. The ESPN cafeteria staff 555. Colin Cowherd 556. Vince Doria 633. Matt Millen 721. SportsCenter voiceover guy 722. 30 for 30 voiceover guy 898. Dick Vitale 1092. Jay Mariotti 1312. The Swami *infinity symbol*. Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless
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