Originally written on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 11/2/11
Tampa_bay_lightning_5641



Dear internet ********,

Guess who’s back? Avery’s back. Tell a friend.

 

 

I guess you needed me after all, didn’t you, Torts? I know Tortorella hates it when I call him Torts, so I’mma keep doing it.  You sent me down to the whale? IN HARTFORD?  You guys know how I feel about whales.  You know I have a strict “no fatties” rule.

But it’s good to be back with the Rangers again. I’m very thankful for this opportunity, because I love New York.  I am very glad to get another chance with the organization, as opposed to getting stuck in some backwater place like the KHL or worse, Columbus.

I know Torts only called me back up because Mike Rupp’s knee is hurt.  Word of advice to Rupper: use some kneepads when you’re blowing dudes in back of the Wendy’s.  Glass and stones can hurt—that’s what Taffy and Kira tell me, anyway.  I mean, you’re getting 1.5 million a year for 3 years.  I don’t know what you had at the Devils, but that’s not a half bad paycheck.  You’re no Brad Richards, but he’s a real doucheknocker.

I know I seem a bit more controlled and calmer than I used to be.  That’s because I keep getting my ass served with suspensions and counseling and all that other ********. It’s not me being all nice nice, it’s me not wanting to have a target on my back all the time.  That’s ********.  From now on, I’ll only do that **** when there are no cameras or refs around. For example: you know Wayne Simmonds? Wayne Simmonds is a real…class act.  See? I’m all reformed now.  Even though in announcing, “class act” is just code for “black guy”, it sounds really nice. It makes me sound like a great guy even though I'm really thinking he's a total turburgler. 

In closing, bite my ass, everyone.  
 

GET THE YARDBARKER APP:
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45
MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Report: Pierre-Paul could miss training camp, start of season

Report: Spurs sign David West

Report: Marc Gasol signs five-year deal with Grizzlies

Manu Ginobili announces he will return next season

Robinson Cano dealing with stomach ailment all season

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Tony Romo on Dez Bryant's contract: 'I think it will work out'

Dwayne Bowe: I’m here to fill Josh Gordon’s shoes

Report: DeAndre Jordan was tired of Chris Paul's antics

Marcus Smart eager to show full skill set with injury behind him

Geno Smith: Brandon Marshall is 'a quarterback's best friend'

Report: NFL executive questions hype around Sam Bradford

Russell Wilson abstaining from sex with girlfriend Ciara

Coach K on meeting Beyonce for first time: 'I felt like 13'

Three-star TE Michael Irvin Jr. commits to Miami

Bryce Harper skipping HR Derby because of dad's injury

Braves the most interesting team to watch at the deadline?

Video shows FSU QB De'Andre Johnson punching woman

Is James Harden dating Khloe Kardashian?

Odell Beckham Jr. poses for nude version of 'The Catch'

Dwyane Wade: I'll retire 'when I can no longer play'

How Matt Ryan became “Matty Ice”

The long road of an NBA second-round pick

Jameis Winston visits Miami teen in hospital with condition

NHL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
the YARDBARKER app
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Bryce Harper to skip Home Run Derby

Video shows De'Andre Johnson punching woman

Odell Beckham Jr. poses for nude version of 'The Catch'

Report: Giants pull offer to Pierre-Paul

Report: Jordan was tired of Chris Paul

2015 All-Star starters announced

JPP injured in fireworks mishap?

Odell Beckham doesn't want to be known for 'the catch'

Russell Wilson 'would definitely consider' playing for Mariners

Solo, Rapinoe among USWNT stars up for World Cup awards

LBS on Sports Jeopardy! Here's how how it went

College football's 35 most patriotic helmets

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.