Originally written on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 11/9/14
Tampa_bay_lightning_5641



Dear internet ********,

Guess who’s back? Avery’s back. Tell a friend.

 

 

I guess you needed me after all, didn’t you, Torts? I know Tortorella hates it when I call him Torts, so I’mma keep doing it.  You sent me down to the whale? IN HARTFORD?  You guys know how I feel about whales.  You know I have a strict “no fatties” rule.

But it’s good to be back with the Rangers again. I’m very thankful for this opportunity, because I love New York.  I am very glad to get another chance with the organization, as opposed to getting stuck in some backwater place like the KHL or worse, Columbus.

I know Torts only called me back up because Mike Rupp’s knee is hurt.  Word of advice to Rupper: use some kneepads when you’re blowing dudes in back of the Wendy’s.  Glass and stones can hurt—that’s what Taffy and Kira tell me, anyway.  I mean, you’re getting 1.5 million a year for 3 years.  I don’t know what you had at the Devils, but that’s not a half bad paycheck.  You’re no Brad Richards, but he’s a real doucheknocker.

I know I seem a bit more controlled and calmer than I used to be.  That’s because I keep getting my ass served with suspensions and counseling and all that other ********. It’s not me being all nice nice, it’s me not wanting to have a target on my back all the time.  That’s ********.  From now on, I’ll only do that **** when there are no cameras or refs around. For example: you know Wayne Simmonds? Wayne Simmonds is a real…class act.  See? I’m all reformed now.  Even though in announcing, “class act” is just code for “black guy”, it sounds really nice. It makes me sound like a great guy even though I'm really thinking he's a total turburgler. 

In closing, bite my ass, everyone.  
 

MORE FROM YARDBARKER

Ray Rice wins appeal, can sign with any team

Athletics deal Josh Donaldson to Blue Jays for Brett Lawrie

Ohio governor decrees playoff committee honorary Ohioans

Lance Stephenson becoming a problem with the Hornets?

Tony Romo: I promise I'll be better next week

Seahawks could wait to address Russell Wilson's contract

LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?
GET THE DAILY NEWSLETTER:

Report: SMU football to hire Clemson offensive coordinator

Dez Bryant: Eagles were ‘kinda cheap’

Hockey goalie rushes into stands to perform CPR on fan

49ers CEO Jed York apologizes for unacceptable performance

Family searching for missing Ohio State football player

CM Punk opens up about leaving WWE, says he'll never return

What if the Chargers refused to trade Eli Manning?

Why is there a red seat hanging in the Mall of America?

WATCH: Mickey Rourke TKO’d a man half his age in Moscow

What's next for the 49ers?

The most tone-deaf tweet ever?

Five bold predictions for Week 13 in the NFL

Brady Quinn pens 'note' to Jets quarterback Geno Smith

Bills center Eric Wood gained 7.4 pounds at Thanksgiving

Cubs reliever somehow OK after being involved in awful accident

Seahawks players throw shade at 49ers after victory

Five takeaways from NFL's Thanksgiving Day action

Things to be thankful for in the NBA this season

NHL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.

What if the Chargers didn't trade Eli?

Dez Bryant: Eagles were ‘kinda cheap’

Ray Rice wins appeal, can sign with any team

What's next for the 49ers?

The most tone-deaf tweet ever?

Is Lance a problem for the Hornets?

5 NFL takeaways from Thanksgiving

WATCH: Ronda Rousey talks Eminem

CM Punk opens up about leaving WWE

Wrigley renovation may be delayed

Steelers could have been America's Team

John Beilein upset with ESPN

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
Help
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.