Originally written on The Royal Half  |  Last updated 10/18/14
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Boy... and we all thought that Anze Kopitar signing with a 2nd Tier hockey team in Sweden would be the biggest news of the day. Thankfully, Philip Anschutz put an end to that. So Jesse Cohen and I sat down with the Woodward and Bernstein of the AEG sale, Dennis Bernstein, to figure out why Anschutz wants to sell off his evil empire.  "Pardonnez-moi, monsieur... this photo is for players only." "Shut it, Bernier. I played more in these playoffs than you did." You can check out the latest All The Kings Men here, subscribe to it on iTunes or listen below. And in international news... The Royal Half was featured on television! Well... Canadian television... but it's still television nonetheless! Something called the Global News featured "Locked Out & I Know It" in their roundup of what dumb hockey fans were doing with their time off. You can check out the link here. Ugh, TV adds 10 pounds to my blog name. And finally, a few days ago Jesse Cohen released a massive diatribe against the NHL Lockout the only way he knows how... to the tune of a classic childrens' poem about Santa Claus. Which is pretty impressive for Jesse... mainly because he's Jewish. Here it is, in its entirety. Twas the day of the lockout and no talks were planned There would be no heroics, no late night last stand The players and owners would fight over cash While the hopes and the dreams of the fans were all dashed They had taken to facebook and reddit and twitter And as the lockout drew closer their words became bitter “Up yours Gary Bettman!” “Screw you Donald Fehr” “Please don’t make another season disappear” But the lawyers on both sides had made up their minds And politely told fans we could kiss their behinds Despite all the owners griping and complaints They were handing out contracts with little restraint “Four more years for Shane Doan, $18 Million for Burrows!!!” While the brows of the fans became wrinkled and furrowed “Don’t blame us” said the players “for the owners confusion” While their salaries climbed the fans grew disillusioned We don’t care about escrows, profit sharing or rollbacks Or if big market teams should pay a luxury tax We want to see hockey not hear your regrets or listen to lawyers posture and make threats And the good news for fans, who might be so inclined There’ll be hockey this year, you can watch it online The juniors and minors will still play their games While the NHLPA call the owners bad names “It won’t be as fun as the big leagues” you’ll scoff But it beats watching Baseball or Tennis or Golf And before you all know it this lockout will end And we’ll go back to watching the teams over spend And in another six years or possibly later We’ll find ourselves cursing a new batch of traitors New owners, new players and a new set of lawyers Brand new employees and brand new employers They’ll fight over money and lengths of contracts They’ll distort the numbers and twist all the facts And we’ll keep on watching and filling the stands Because the league knows we’re “the worlds greatest fans” for us it’s not business it’s a piece of our lives It makes us skip work and helps us survive It brings us together, it makes grown men weep It fills all our dreams when we fall fast asleep So forgive us dear players and agents and owners If we rant and we rave and we call you all moaners You’re stealing our fun and you’re taking our hockey Forcing us to choose between Norfolk and Milwaukee We won’t get to see the Kings raising their banner Or watch them defend it, (and do it for Tanner) We’ll miss the NHL on our TV sets The Leafs and the Habs and the Flames and Jets The Sharks and the Blues, the Coyotes and Ducks The Wild, the Flames and Vancouver Canucks The Bruins and Flyers and Penguins and Red Wings The Rangers and Devils and the joy watching them brings So I make this last plea tho I know it won’t matter Please cut through the jargon and ******** and chatter End the lockout as quickly as you possibly can Or I may actually consider not being a fan
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