Originally written on Couch Tarts  |  Last updated 11/14/14

From the bowels of the now-defunct Melt Your Face-Off, Internet teen pop sensation LeNoceur returns to channel the advice-giving muse of Sharks captain Joe Thornton. You can follow LeNoceur on Twitter @meltyourfaceoff. The actual Couch Tarts are in no way responsible for the content of this post. Well, other than the fact that they invited me to do it, and gave me administrator privileges to post it. Other than that, totally not their responsibility.

Hey there, uh, Couchicans? Tartesians? The **** I call you people? It's been a while since I dropped some wisdom on you. Not for lack of problems on your part. Oh, no. Let's get to it.

Dear Joe: After several years of really bad behavior (drinking too much, sleeping with several married men and general promiscuity, dabbling in drug use and generally not being a good person), about six months ago, I finally managed to stop all of this cold turkey. I can’t make up for what I did, but I plan to spend the rest of my life working to be a better person and making better choices that don’t hurt people, one day at a time, of course.

What?! Why? Oh, honey, you've come to the right place for advice. What was your specific question?

What explanation do I owe my new friends (who are much better for me than my old enablers) regarding my past? I don’t want to lie but also don’t want to create drama by revealing too much, especially to those I am just getting to know. --Anne Onnimus

Dear Anne: I really wouldn't worry about it too much. You're running right up against the proverbial six-month debauchery itch. It's a medical fact: Within ten days, you'll be back to doing blow and blowing dudes (yeah!). The real question for you is, do you go back to your boring old friends that you've already blown, or do you corrupt one of your squeaky-clean new friends into the Lifestyle of the Young and Indestructible? SuperJoe is always down for some strange, so I vote for the latter.

If you somehow persevere and make it through the next ten days, just tell your new friends that you "used to be a real party girl." Trust me, they will know exactly what that means. And don't be shocked if soon after one of your new "straight arrow" married guy friends shows up at your door one night with some Chinese food and some China white. And before you know it, those little moo shu pancakes and your clothes are all over the place, and you're sucking soy sauce off his balls. Thank me later.

Dear Joe: I am engaged after a two-year relationship. There is plenty to love about my fiancee, but I have a problem. One of her prior relationships consisted of several brief sexual encounters with one guy. I found two e-mails she had sent to him. In one she expressed how one of their encounters was something “that others can only dream of.” She said they had “a cosmic connection.” Recently, when she was out of town, she corresponded with him again. She professed how much she missed him, said she would give anything to see him again and said if he couldn’t meet her then, they could always meet up out of town for a “business trip.” When I asked her about this contact, she said she was joking and bantering. She said that if he had shown up she would have sent him straight into another room. I want to believe all of this and move on, but I have had a hard time doing so. Should I heed the smoke signals and run? --Jon D'Oh

Dear Jon: This is all perfectly normal. Take it from a guy who travels ALL THE TIME on business. Tell me you've never heard of the 100-mile-rule? That's just basic SOP in any relationship. Look, you love this girl, right? So why do you want to deny her the opportunity to get a bit of what is pretty obviously some seriously fantastic licking and dicking, a couple times a year in a faraway place that you'll never know about? That's cruel, bro. And what up with the snooping? I'm going to take a wild guess here: this girl is either the first girl who let you **** her, or the first one after you've come out of a looonngg relationship with a sexually boring, controlling woman. Cause you're nightmarishly insecure. She loves you, right? She agreed to marry you, right? And not to **** other guys within a 100-mile radius, right? So what are you worried about? Chill the **** out, Jesus.

Dear Joe: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."

Sorry to interrupt, but TWINS! High-five, girl! Double the pleasure, amirite? Please continue.

When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me. I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! --Sue Donnimus

Dear Sue: The way I see it, you've got two pretty obvious choices. One, you start banging Matt at a time when you know Mike is coming home soon. He comes in, sees the two of you, and you say, "Oh my goodness! I thought it was you!" He might be a little upset at first, but that's when you lay it on him: the only thing on Earth you can think of that would be hotter than ******* him would be ******* TWO of him at the same time. Let me tell you from experience, a MFM threesome can be a little awkward at first, but once it gets going it's a rocket ship ride to Planet ******* Amazing. If history has taught us anything, it's that ladies love having choices. And if pornography has taught us anything, the greatest choice of all is the which-****-goes-in-which-hole game. You may or may not opt to go through with the whole wedding thing, but the three of you can set up a very sexy household. It's called PolyArmor or something. Your second choice: on your wedding day, have Matt bring Mike a pre-ceremony drink to "steady his nerves." Naturally, he will have dissolved four or five crushed Xanax into it. Once he zones out, Matt steps into the ceremony, and nobody's the wiser. You can just white out the first name and correct it on the marriage license. Pretty sure that's legit. By the time Mike wakes up, you lovebirds are on your honeymoon. Probably in Belize. Between the two, Option One is simple, straightforward, and much more likely to succeed.

Last question.

Dear Joe: One of my wife's friends has hated me since the day she met me. While early on, her hatred was tolerable, lately it's become annoying and more than a little creepy. I work in research and development, the same industry as her. I often have lunch with colleagues, both male and female, while we discuss work. She has spotted me a few times having lunch with a female colleague and without even talking to me, she's reported to my wife that she thinks I'm having an affair (even though it's been a different woman each time—apparently I really get around). My wife was suspicious at first but is not so worried now. (I've never cheated on her and have given her no reason to believe I have or would.) This woman ran into me last week and told me, "I'm going to destroy you" and walked away. I told my wife, and she said I must not have heard her correctly. How do I convince my wife that she needs to confront this nutcase? If she doesn't change her behavior toward me after that, I think it's only fair that my wife stop seeing her as a friend. What do you think I should do? --Norm Scull

Dear Norm: You say you work in R&D, so I'm going to take a leap and guess that you are a total dork with zero social skills. You are already stunned at my insight; it's OK, I'm here to serve. Because if you had any social skills, you would have picked up long ago that your wife's friend doesn't hate you; she WANTS you. Let's crowdsource this--she wants him, right everybody? See? She ACTS all ****** and angry, because she's jealous of your wife. And she's trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. Luckily for you, there's an easy way to put a stop to this: **** her already. If you're worried about hurting your wife, wait until the two of you are at an "industry conference" somewhere (see: 100-mile-rule, above). I **************** that the reports of you having "affairs" with randos will stop immediamente, amigo. The only thing you have to worry about is that she might think that you're going to dump your wife and be with her permanently. Which I would not advise, as she appears to be psycho. You will be tempted, because (trust me) she will gobble your dick like it's made of a delicious blend of bacon, chocolate, and ambrosia, but don't do it. You'll just have to cleverly string her along with artful evasions and lame excuses until you can get transferred to a new city. That way, you'll still get to bang her when you have to come into headquarters to make periodic presentations or whatever, but there won't be any pressure to actually, you know, have a relationship. You're welcome.

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