Sounds about right...
Dear Dedicated Fan #012536,
The National Hockey League announced that the lockout is over and soon you’ll be able to come back to TD Garden and give us all your money watch the Bruins again!
The lockout was just as hard for us as it was for you fans. Most of us suffered severe abdominal injuries from laughing at you so much but we also miss the exciting action.
To show how much we truly care, all items in the Pro Shop will be reduced by 0.0000000005% if you purchase anything between 10:15AM – 10:16AM EST. Please note, however, that because of this discount the Bruins will likely be forced to jack up the price of your season tickets by 52-87% next season. You know how hard up the organization is for cash *******! Hahahaha just kidding WE’RE RICH *****! We apologize in advance but it is the only alternative.
We will continue to pretend we value your loyalty by giving the first 50 people at every game a poorly made hat that wouldn’t even fit a newborn. Again, thank you for your patience, even though you were a bunch of whiny ******* and we hope to see all your smiling faces at the first Bruins home game. We will be sending out a copy of “Top Ten Emo Hits of the 90’s” photocopied Cam Neely autographs to each one of you if we feel like it as soon as possible!
We were going to tell you that Mr. Jacobs sends his apologies, but he said he’d boil us and our families alive and take our wallets if we told you that. Then he wiped his ass with million dollar bills and made us eat them. Gross. instead he decided to double all our salaries….seriously…we’re not just saying that so our families aren’t harmed…
If you have any further questions, save us some time and just send your email directly to your Trash folder. That is SO much easier for us than pretending we care about your comments and concerns.
The Boston Bruins
(Can you tell Jon is still SUPER bitter about the lockout?)