Originally written on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 11/6/11
Toronto_maple_leafs_b7ba

Hello Tim, the guy from the Tim Horton's Ad I dressed up as for Halloween, 

 

Special thanks to @DasNordlicht91 and @kid_kawartha for the still.

I’m sorry if my costume was offensive. It was kind of an inside joke with me and the other Leafs guys.  They kept buying me Tim Horton’s coffee (even though I don’t really drink coffee) and asking me about a BELT. I know the B stands for bacon, but also that sausage is equally tasty.  Also, I had maybe an hour to think up and make my costume.  I ended up late to that party.  I HATE being late to anywhere if I can help it. 

To be honest, I think you and other construction guys are doing a swell job here in Canada. Everybody needs roads and buildings and I’m sure you’re doing a bang-up job in between starring in commercials.  You can point to something after you’ve finished and say “I helped build that.”  No matter what I do, you’ll always have that, unless your building gets torn down or catches on fire or something.

You say I’m better looking and more successful than you, but that’s just not true.  I mean, I can’t run a crane, or whatever construction thing you do.  I also can’t grow a beard that’s as thick or as red as yours, so that’s a plus!  I’m sure it gets cold working construction, and that beard is great for keeping your face warm.  My beard isn’t nearly as good for that.
 

I can see you’re frustrated and mad, and I understand.  I wasn’t trying to be mean—I really do care about the construction workers everywhere, who work on heavy machinery and do dangerous work to make things we all take for granted.  You all deserve a special day and—wait…was that a middle finger at the end? Dion Phaneuf keeps telling me it’s a Hawaiian good luck sign, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it’s not a very nice gesture.  If that’s so, I’ll be awfully steamed that you were so rude to me on YouTube.

What’s this? An apology?

I accept your apology, Tim Horton’s guy.  You have seen the error of your ways, and God really appreciates that.  Maybe sometime, we could go out for donuts or something. Get to know each other beyond this silly Internet rivalry.  Gosh darn it, I think we could even be friends.

Hold on…DID YOU END YOUR VIDEO WITH “GO HABS?”

That kind of malarkey is just unforgiveable.  Darn it.

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