Jeremy Roenick Fined for Excessive Personality

By Frank PasquineSportsonastick.com April 9, 2009Coming off a 3-2 shootout win, covered in perspiration and panting like an aging dog, 39-year-old Jeremy Roenick was pulled aside for a standard post-game interview. The Sharks center is known for his bubbly personality, but his behavior during the interview was determined by the NHL to be completely out of line.  Roenick started out simple, but after three words local San Jose sports columnist Mark Emmons knew Roenick was in trouble. “We usually let J.R. slide on his individuality and charm, but when I asked him how he felt about the game, his voice raised to a level of excitement one would only expect from a minor leaguer, or one of those gay Broadway plays,” said Emmons. After reviewing the twelve-second meaningless interview, the NHL had no choice but to fine Roenick $10,000 for showing a real personality and using tone fluctuation when responding to mundane questioning. “The players, personnel, media, and fans associated with the NHL are accustomed to boring, monotonous incoherent drivel when the players come off the ice. This was just bush league, especially for a veteran,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. Even some of the players around the league spoke out against the flamboyant Roenick.  “Ehyouknowehthatwasuncalledfor,” mumbled superstar Alexander Ovechkin, sans intonation and anything resembling normal speech patterns.Roenick has since apologized to Emmons and NHL fans for the inappropriate tone and blatant display of non-robotic character.  When reached for comment Roenick had this to say, “Ehyouknoweh, it was a misstep on my part and, eh, I’ll go out and bore the **** outta the press next time.”The NHL is currently reviewing the use of profanity and articulation in Roenick’s apology statement.