Originally posted on The Royal Half  |  Last updated 3/2/13
It's Brigitte from One Girl, One Puck with an in-depth look at the Los Angeles Kings opponent for Saturday, March 2nd... the Vancouver Canucks! Or as I like to call it... shooting fish in a barrel!  Click Here to Read the Know Your Opponent for for the Kings vs Vancouver Canucks on March 3rd, 2013!!!  Full Disclaimer: Parts of this post were written while under the influence of one or more adult beverages. Drunk me can get very pervy, proceed with caution.  Oh the Canucks, they hold such a special spot in my pants heart. Unlike 99.99% of hockey fans outside of British Columbia, I actually like the Canucks. In case you were unaware of this from my two previous posts about the Canucks here at The Royal Half, I basically like them because I want to have sexual relations with them. I'm a shallow asshole, deal with it. So this post is going to be factual and have a lot of real information about the Canucks right? LOL NOPE. Did you really expect me to talk about Ryan Kesler being injured AGAIN, or how the Canucks got shelled the other day in Detroit? I mean did you really think I was going to talk about the goalie controversy or the break out year for Chris Tanev? Nope, none of it.   I mean can you blame me for having dirty thoughts when pictures like this are floating around the internet? It's really not my fault guys. Like I've said before, these guys WANT the attention. They also want to bone each other more than we could ever want to get in their pants.    Yea you know what's going on here.  Ryan: "Hey Alex we gonna knock some boots later?" Alex: "Jeez Kes not in the locker room. Everyone is watching."       Here's Ryan once again playing the field.  Ryan: "I'm gonna make you show off those splits later Lu." Lu: "Don't worry I limbered up earlier. My body is ready."   Kevin: "Ryan honey, don't worry I'll take care of the guy that hurt you and I'll make you feel all better." Ryan: "Thanks Juice, you can join me when I clean up in the shower later."   Ryan is of course a notorious playboy. He's got flings going with multiple players on the team. There is however another blossoming romance that's a little more complicated.   The Sedins and Dan Hamhuis have been getting really cozy lately.  There is the problem of that pesky Alex Edler though... He was once the spread in the Swedish sandwich, but he seems to have fallen out of favor.      Dan: "He's right behind us...why won't he just go away!"     ALEX GET OUT OF BED YOU'RE BEING REPLACED!   Nope, he can't be helped. Sleepy Edler is destined to lose his lovers to Community Dan.      Alex: "What the **** is this? I even got us matching sticks for our anniversary and this is how you treat me!"     I tried to warn you Alex, but Dan's booty is all the Sedins need now.   It's OK Alex, I'm sure you will find love. You have those amazing Swedish genes, and I'm sure there's someone out there that will have sex with you on all your Ikea furniture.      Alex: "Hello Keith, I'm Alex. I am Swedish and pretty. Would you like to go out sometime." Keith: "I'm gonna wreck you later."     Alex...Keith said he wanted to do sexy things and you're just sleeping again.  He's even trying to show you his legs and the things he can do with them!     Seriously?  Again with the sleeping?  I give up...but you know if you wake up and want to do naughty things, call me.   You guys see what I mean now? I can't help myself with these guys. I just want to have a massive Canucks cuddle fest...naked...possibly with toys. Seriously, how much fun would it to be to play sleepover games with them! We can draw pictures of each other and laugh at the results!     Who the **** drew that?  It's terrible...wait it was Zack Kassian? Oh well...then it's great. Please don't hurt me.     Oh are you making friendship bracelets? I want one!       Yay let's play in the elevator! Everyone out except me and David! SERIOUSLY GET OUT THIS IS OUR TIME!      Yay puppets!  This is the best sleepover ever!      Lu: "I know I'm having so much fun!" Chris: "Me too! I'm so glad we did this!"   I'm sorry you guys are still here? Oh whoops, I must have gone on one of my extended fantasy sequences again. Sorry, back on topic. Wait what was I saying? Oh yea, the Canucks get laid. Sometimes they even go for non-teammates! Crazy, I know!      Yea Jason, get some.  Wait...that girl looks really familiar....how do I?....OH MY GOD   But she was kind of blonde right? And she didn't wear hipster glasses... SWEET MOTHER IT IS HER.... Well this is awkward now. Jason Garrison is possibly getting in on Jarret Stoll's sloppy seconds? I mean it wouldn't be the first time another hockey player has rocked out a second hand girl from a Kings player. This is weird though considering Jason Garrison is kind of an upgrade. No offense Stoll, but at least Jason's hairline has remained in place the last few years. Was that too mean? Oh well. Maybe Stoll can make Jason Garrison pay on the ice....HAHAHAHA Oh who am I kidding Garrison wins there too. It's OK, Stoll has another semi-famous woman on his arm now. It's not like he has to fight anyone off of her right?      Oh...maybe Jarret should stick to picking a fight with Garrison.  I think 50 Cent has some pretty big guns...like literally guns.   Yay I semi-remained on topic! Despite slipping into some weird drunk fantasy half-way through, I managed to still rip on Jarret Stoll for being terrible and getting old. I would call that a huge success! Anyway, enjoy the game tonight folks, and seriously Alex Edler....you call me if you need anything OK?    Seriously...ANYTHING, I'm here for you!  
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Rapper Luther Campbell's Miami coaching wish list has autocorrected error

Jordan Zimmermann issues farewell to Nationals fans

Zack Kassian suffered injuries in an early morning car accident

NFL looking into why Joe Haden was deactivated

Trent Dilfer rips Jimmy Graham as a blocker

Urban Meyers confirms WR Corey Smith has broken leg


Ryan Tannehill frustrated at Dolphins' practice squad

Urban Meyer says he could use J.T. Barrett as red zone QB

John Cena taking extended WWE leave of absence

Missouri QB Maty Mauk suspended indefinitely

Carmelo Anthony on requesting a trade: 'Hell no'

Donald Trump: Redskins should keep team name

Who could be baseball’s next breakout postseason superstar?

WATCH: Seahawks' Russell Wilson refuses to get tackled

Why the Miami Dolphins had to fire Joe Philbin

Understanding Reggie Jackson's contract with Detroit

College football teams missing quality quarterback play

Alley Broussard waiting for Leonard Fournette to break his LSU record

Texas Rangers ups their concessions game for the postseason

What to make of Jameis Winston’s nightmare start

A brief history of Ichiro wanting to pitch

This weekend in NFL stupid: The Miami Dolphins

NFL players putting together unprecedented career years

College playoff: Five teams that hurt themselves, Week 5

College playoff: Five teams that helped themselves, Week 5

NHL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Texas Rangers ups their concessions game for the postseason

College playoff: Five teams that hurt themselves

College playoff: Five teams that helped themselves

Could this be the Carolina Panthers season?

Michael Irvin: Cowboys have no chance against Patriots Sunday

Melo on requesting a trade: 'Hell no'

Remembering the Angels-Mariners AL West tiebreaker of 1995

Donald Trump: Redskins should keep team name

Redskins got a pregame pep talk from...Matthew McConaughey?

Matt Bonner is about to join an elite group of Spurs

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Follow Yardbarker