Originally written on Couch Tarts  |  Last updated 11/20/14

GLENDALE, AZ - JANUARY 12: Joe Thornton #19 of the San Jose Sharks awaits a face off during the NHL game against the Phoenix Coyotes at Jobing.com Arena on January 12, 2010 in Glendale, Arizona. The Sharks defeated the Coyotes 3-1. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

This Very Special Edition of Ask Joe Thornton is brought to you by LeNoceur, who used to make hockeydickjokes at http://meltyourfaceoff.net. He now makes hockeydickjokes wherever he damn well pleases.


Salutations, brahs and brah-ettes. A Thousand Games. When you say it out loud like that, it seems like an awful lot. Just about one for every ladyfriend old SuperJoe has permitted to wield his throbbing thrill-hammer of love. But you didn't come here to hear about my love life; you came here for me to help you with yours. On to the questions!

Dear Joe: I consider myself a decent man, but for the past year I have been cheating on my wife about twice a month with prostitutes. We’ve been married for more than a decade and have three young children. We have sex about once a month, only when initiated by her. The thrill of seeing prostitutes and the variation from my usual sex life made me feel better, and I think it’s more honorable than an affair, but it is the worst thing I’ve ever done. If my wife found out it would lead to the immediate dissolution of our marriage. My plan right now is to continue what I’m doing until the children are in high school and college, then get a divorce. Is there another way out of my dilemma?--John

Dear John: I get it, really, I do. Your old lady won't put out. Actually, wait a minute, no I don't get it. Not at all. Wen SuperJoe flashes his pearly whites, the panties drop and that's that. Also, by my math, you are getting laid like three times a month. A MONTH. I cannot relate to you at all. I have nothing against escorts--and my legal team has drafted up a blanket confidentiality agreement just to make sure none of them ever has anything against me--so you're clear on that score with me. But I just can't get over that. Three times a month. If I had a "dilemma" like that (more like, existential crisis) I can assure you it would not have lasted longer than the first month. Because I would be dead. It's true--SuperJoe's finely tuned physique requires regular load-blowing to operate at peak efficiency--that **** gets backed up, it poisons your brain. You either die or start doing crazy ****, like procreating with a woman who doesn't really like having sex with you.

Dear Joe: I love this guy and i met him at summer camp to soon watch him walk out of my life as suddenly as he had walked into it. We are both emo and into the same music and share a lot of the same interests and hobbies and he told me that he loves me and i said it back but now he is gone and i know that if he were to commit suicide i would too, i love him that much and I never thought I would or could love a guy, but i do. Do I make an attempt to get over him or keep hope that maybe I will somehow, by a miracle see him again. He made me believe that he loved me the same way he made me believe he didn’t as he walked out of my life for the last time. What do I do???--TeenDramaQueen

Dear Queenie: Holy **** are teenagers stupid. SuperJoe likes his relationships live and EXTREMELY in-person, but there's this whole thing out there where you can talk to people on computers and ****. With video and everything! You can see your boy's emo bangs, and listed to The Veincutters or whatever depressing crap you're into together, and talk about how the world hates you and compare the different shades of black in your wardrobes. I mean, it's either that or off yourself, amirite? Seriously, though, don't do that. That would be stupid. I know you are suggestible, and also stupid, so I didn't really mean that. It was a rhetorical device meant to underline the ridiculous nature of your so-called problem.

Honestly, I can't really relate to your worldview, and your music makes me puke (SuperJoe is a straight-up ROCK AND ******* ROLL kind of guy). So I ran your question by one of my colleagues, who does listen to that crap: Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Briere!

DANNY: Oh, hey Queenie. Look, I've been where you are before. You love him so much, it hurts? You can't imagine your life without him, but you spend all your time thinking about how you can never have him? Every song you listen to reminds you of him, and how you're not with him, or even if you were with him there would probably be some sort of other problem or maybe he doesn't really love you like he said and just wanted to et some action but he seemed so nice and sincere and your heart just feels like a 50-kilo ball of lead in your chest? You gotta do what I do to make the pain go away. And, coincidentally, it's advice that Joe gives all the time: play hockey. No, seriously. It's what gets me through one grey day to the next.

Thanks, Danny. We've got time for one more.

Dear Joe: Five months ago I started dating this girl. We started as friends, then it turned into the most beautiful passionate love I'd ever experienced. However, as time went on, I noticed red flags. I noticed how extremely shallow she was and even a little racist, though she said it was just to be funny. I was ready to leave her. And I tried to, but on that day I tried to leave, she showed me a part of herself I’d never fully seen. She was mature and self-sacrificing. She cried and tried to stay strong and smile and tell me it was okay. That's when it hit me this girl was who I thought she was all along. So we stayed together. But about a month and a half later I found out more things that were deal breakers. She is a chronic, deliberate liar and lies about so many things, big and small. After a long, emotional, midnight conversation I ended it. Then I wanted to die because I felt I'd never be able to love again. Thirty minutes passed, and I felt something strange. I felt I didn't care she was so many things I didn't want. So I called her and we got back together. Since then she has been making an effort to stop being so corrupt. A couple of weeks ago we decided we had to be apart for her to do this. We are on break, though we see each other every day for professional reasons. The strange thing is, every time she smiles or laughs, every time she makes a funny sound or says something stupid, my heart melts again. The moment that beautiful little person walks into my view and hugs me, I crumble and my rational thinking and sound conclusions fall to nothing.--Lost

Dear Lost: Actually, no. Dear Queenie. Did you read this guy's letter? If you keep up with that emo crap in ten years you're going to be him, unable to make basic decisions about your own life and trapped in a crappy and toxic relationship because you failed to build up the mental fortitude to BE YOUR ******* SELF AND ******* OWN IT. Danny was 100-percent correct--start playing hockey, like yesterday. Learn to skate, practice with your stick. And not one of those ***** no-check leagues. You need to HIT ************* and get hit once in a while, too. Does wonders for the self-esteem when you just BLOW UP some slug who has his head down on the blueline. YYEEEEAAAAARRRGGGHHHH. If there aren't any rinks near you, play rugby or football or anything where smashing into people is strongly encouraged. I know you're a lady, so it won't give you a raging boner, but I bet your nipples perk right the hell up. Play hockey, blast some Pantera, and rock out with your vagina out. Metaphorically. In six months, I guaran-damn-tee that thinking about Summer Camp Boy will just make you embarrassed for the sad-sack mope you used to be. Book it.

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