LATEST STORIES FROM FIVE TOOL TOOL
Week 10 NFL Picks: Going To The Enn Eff Hell
22 days ago by
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Has it really been six hundred and sixty six years since the NFL Network launched? It's only seems that way, folks. So it's that special time of year, when the days are getting shorter and the economic worry is getting long, where you've got a freshly unwelcome race to...
NESW Drop: The Enemies List
24 days ago by
Five Tool Tool
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I've started a new contract gig writing for Ethan and the gang over at NESW, and you should go check it out, really. Every week will be a fresh dose of hate, and really, that's not something I'm bad at. See who the lead enemy is this week...http://fivetooltool.blogspot...
Top 11 takeaways from the NFL's Veterans Day salute
24 days ago by
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11) It's OK to remember Pat Tillman, but if you forget about certain parts of the Pat Tillman story, the Army really won't mind10) While everyone in the NFL thanks the troops, star quarterbacks thank them most of all9) Troops in Afghanistan are so starved for entertainment...
Eagles-Cowboys Notes: The Ruling On The Field Of Life Stands. Walt Coleman Sucks
25 days ago by
Five Tool Tool
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> I hate night games involving my laundry. Any infuriating outcome will sit with you like bad late night diner food, and keep me up for hours. I'm not saying that I have nervous energy watching these games, but I did an astounding amount of busy work with my hands -- writing...
NFL Week 9: You Crap The Bed Celebrates World Toilet Day
25 days ago by
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This week on a very special episode of You Crap, we're giving back to the community by celebrating World Toilet Day. This honest to goodness real holiday happens in just ten days, and helps to put focus on the global sanitation crisis. Through several different agencies, you too...
Top 10 NFL Week 9 Ad Questions
25 days ago by
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10) Will our troops overseas be more likely to come home safely, now that they know there is a free Bloomin' Onion waiting for them? 9) Is there something about jewelry from Jared that's especially appealing to hags? 8) Does any legitimate business use GoDaddy for Web services...
Top 10 questions from the Tim Lincecum pot bust
28 days ago by
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When life gives you a Pothead Cy Young winner, you make Pothead Cy Young winner list lemonade. Or brownies. Mmmm, brownies.10) How could he be so careless... to not have a medical permit?9) Will part of his inevitable rehab involve getting a grown up haircut?8) Why is he such a prima...
Top 12 consolations for Phillies Fans
29 days ago by
Five Tool Tool
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12) Red Sox Fan will hear about this much more than you will11) A-Rod got hit a lot10) It's not like your laundry hasn't won recently9) New York Fan is still bent over that Giants game8) With any luck, you won't have to watch Brad Lidge ever again7) It was getting kind...
Phillies-Yankees Game Six Notes: Watching the Guillotine
29 days ago by
Five Tool Tool
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> Coming into tonight's game, despite my love for Pedro Martinez, I knew that a win was going to be all on the offense. They weren't ever going to win a 2-1 game in New York, not against this offense, and not with this bullpen. There was hope that they can slug their way...
Week 9 NFL Picks: Pandemia
29 days ago by
Five Tool Tool
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While prepping this column, I started to feel untoward, and wound up losing consciousness. This happens far too often, considering my general lack of sleep and advancing age, but this was a different story; this was Full Blown Unwell. And two days before a scheduled flu shot. Just...
Week 9 of You Crap The Bed: Old Time Decision Making
November 03, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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Our apologies for the lateness of the show this week, as negotiations with this week's sponsor didn't firm up until very late in the process. We're thrilled to have the classic account of Fletcher's Castoria "Bad Mommy" Laxative on board, especially in a bye...
Phillies - Yankees Game 5 Notes
November 02, 2009 by
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> And we're back, because this has gone so well the last two times I've tried this. Stout heart! Firm belief! Cliff Lee! I might also still be drunk.> In that all important portion of the game where I'm not really watching due to being a less than totally worthless...
Top Ten Takeaways From Favregeddon
November 02, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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10) Terrorist Packer Fan didn't bring his "A" game9) Perhaps it's not a great sign when you bring in Ancient Ahman Green to return kicks8) Maybe one day, Aaron Rodgers will be enough of a winner to have an offensive line 7) The Packer organization still has so much...
Phillies-Yankees Game 4 Notes
November 01, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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> In the first, Joe Blanton had no movement on his pitches, not that he's usually drowning in it, and wound up surrendering two runs after the first two men reached base. Adding to the interest was watching A-Rod get hit, the third time that's happened in the last two games...
Top Eleven Week Eight NFL Ad Questions
November 01, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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11) Will Wanda Sykes' "whole new dangerous direction in late night" involve any amount of actual humor?10) Why would I want to patronize the cellular phone plan of cannibalistic pigs?9) Does Capital One get a lot of their business from Ren Faire Doucebags, and do I have...
Eagles vs. Giants Notes: Well, That Was Unexpected
November 01, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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> I picked up Leonard Weaver in my cursed fantasy league. Maybe not so cursed? And there's no wonder why the G Men fell prey to a fullback run; after six weeks of Line of Scrimmage Punt Return, it must have seemed downright exotic. > On the first quarter pick from Eli Manning...
Phillies-Yankees Game 3 World Series Notes
October 31, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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10) Well, that was fun. If you like the Yankees, or rectal pain. Otherwise, not so much.9) One of the reasons why baseball will never be football: hitting The Centaur, Alex Rodriguez, with a pitch might make you feel good, but not nearly enough, since it's really not a help for...
Game 2 Yankees-Phillies World Series Notes
October 29, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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> For 17 innings, the Phillies had played nearly mistake-free baseball (the exception: Rollins' ninth inning error last night), refusing to cede to the pressure that took out the Twins and Angels. Down two in the eighth and facing Mariano Rivera in his bid for a six-out save...
Top 13 little known facts about Cliff Lee
October 28, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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13) Baseballs are attracted to Cliff Lee's gravitational well of awesomeness.12) When it rains, Cliff Lee does not get wet.11) Tonight, Cliff Lee is the #1 topic on Twitter, but only because he has allowed it.10) His middle name is "Phifer", which is Latin for "Much...
Top 10 Game One Phillies-Yankees World Series Notes
October 28, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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10) Writing a notes column on a game and night like this is downright tricky. Do you refuse to write the lede ahead of time, knowing that baseball has no clock and if it turns, you will blame yourself for the jinx? Or do you wallow in the good fortune and trust that the man who has...
Week 8 NFL Picks: Who Are You Supposed To Be
October 28, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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In theory, I love Halloween. The practice, however, is something entirely different. In theory, this gives me a cool opportunity to show my creativity -- hell, I make my living at the day job for that. In practice, I just don't have the time and money to do very cool costumes,...
The Series Pick
October 27, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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For the past couple of weeks, I've been hearing how wonderful it would have been had there been a Dodger-Yankee World Series. Everyone would have relived their Reggie Jackson childhood, both coasts would be covered in baseball interest, it's iconic and yada yada yada. It turned...
Top 10 Eagles-Redskins MNF Notes
October 26, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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10) Welcome to Philadelphia, Will Witherspoon. Is it that easy to play MLB, that a guy can move over in a week and deliver value... or is it just that Witherspoon is like a man that's gotten off Death Row now that he escaped the Rams?9) Honestly, at this point, I'm wondering...
Top 12 reasons why you should root for the Phillies over the Yankees in the Series
October 25, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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12)Philadelphia has grown their talent, which the Yankees generally find quaint11) The Phillies steroid and spousal abusers are minor players, instead of major stars10) Scientific research has proven that a Phillies repeat will cause Mets Fan to kill themself in more entertaining ways9...
Week 7 NFL: You Crap The Bed!
October 25, 2009 by
Five Tool Tool
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This week in honor of the NFL's annual forced insertion of a bad football game on a foreign market, we're brought to you by Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, perhaps the most puzzling and dispiriting video game ever made, and continuing proof that Truman was right when he used nuclear weapons...
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