LATEST STORIES FROM THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

Will Muschamp Celebrates National Sunglasses Day 2016

For those of you who make up the uninformed and unwashed masses, today is National Sunglasses Day because why not. It’s late June, Game of Thrones is over until next year (LET’S HURRY UP AND GET CERSEI AND KHALEESI IN THE SQUARED CIRCLE), and we still have to suffer through July AND August before college football gets here. So I, for one, thank the Vision Council (A Council...
Via The Belly of the Beast
June 27, 2016  |  Discuss

Introducing The “Why Houston Nutt Doesn’t Have A Head Coaching Job In College Football, According To Houston Nutt” Tracker

Assuming no one decides to amp up their crazy in the next few months, the 2016 college football season will mark the fifth straight year in which Houston Nutt finds himself not cashing the checks of a millionaire football coach (lol at the idea of Nutt and direct deposit). During these last five years, Nutt, whose last appearance on a football field was in 2011 when he put the finishing...
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June 13, 2016  |  Discuss

Recruiting Site Profile Of The Finest Surfing And Skydiving Federal Agent Who Was Once A College Quarterback

Before Johnny Utah was in Southern California cracking bank robbery cases as a rookie FBI agent with his meatball sub-loving partner Gary Busey, he could be found on football fields nearly 2,000 miles away, tearing through Big Ten competition that PROBABLY LOST MOST OF THEIR BOWL GAMES TO SEC TEAMS, PAWWWLLLL. In Utah’s junior or senior year as quarterback of Ohio State (Point...
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June 07, 2016  |  Discuss

Commence Building Golden Calves And Such For Uncle Verne

In its latest attempt to smash our souls and wills to go on into thousands of pieces, the world has made it so that our dear Uncle Verne will not be in an SEC announcing booth after 2016. Instead of the Saturday afternoon comfort of brief confusion over a play that just happened, REALLY pronouncing the last names of LSU players who have an infusion of French in them, and the belting...
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June 01, 2016  |  Discuss

Alabama Releases New Football Uniforms In Response To Youths Not Caring For The Current Version

Despite all of the national championships and rings (KISS ‘EM) related to activity on the football field, Alabama will not be able to collect another national championship off the field, much to the disappointment of bootleg Crimson Tide t-shirt makers. In a recent survey of high school sophomores and juniors, Alabama was named as having the worst uniforms in college football...
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May 26, 2016  |  Discuss

A Special Message From Clarion-Ledger Sports Editor Hugh Kellenberger

“Hello, friends. As many of you know, we ran a headline for a story about a non-football regular season championship in Sunday’s paper that upset some readers and many non-subscribers who saw it on Twitter or a message board. Following a morning and early afternoon of fans ignoring their team’s regular season championship and angrily voicing their opinions about a newspaper...
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May 23, 2016  |  Discuss

Former Ole Miss Linebacker Patrick Willis Goes Corporate

Not wanting to live the dream* of playing golf every day, followed by mostly doing nothing, Patrick Willis, of making every tackle at Ole Miss for three years fame, decided he wanted to do something other than not have a schedule after he retired from the NFL in 2015. Willis, who apparently is one of these overachievers making the rest of us look bad, signed on with Open Source...
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May 19, 2016  |  Discuss

First Look At The SEC’S Replay Command Center

Acting like any professional league* should, the SEC has elected to move away from relying on replay booth officials to not see a call that everyone at home and on Twitter can clearly see, to a “collaborative replay” system in which replays will go to a command center that is manned by multiple officials who will produce similar, fury-inducing results. This way, the blame for...
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May 17, 2016  |  Discuss

Let’s Break Down One Of Those Absurdly Early Top 25 Rankings

Look, this is what happens in May. We all run out of distractions, get bored, and the next thing we know we’re waist-deep in speed-scrolling through a top 25 ranking that we don’t care about, but thanks to that misuse of eight seconds of scanning, we’re eight seconds closer to college football season. Or maybe that’s just me. It could be worse in that those eight seconds...
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May 16, 2016  |  Discuss

For $23 You Can Own 95% Of The Ole Miss Sadness On Ebay

One of the great gifts and curses of the internet is that there is never a shortage of dumb things available to appear on our screens. It offers us hours of entertainment and reasons to ignore our responsibilities for another 15 minutes, followed by a second 15 minutes, and followed by “I’ll get to that next week for sure.” While that gift of distraction and fuel for procrastination...
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May 11, 2016  |  Discuss

Hugh Freeze Wins Golf Tournament, Helps Raise Money For Charity

Taking time away from the rigors of successful recruiting and preparation for continuing to beat other SEC teams, Ole Miss head coach Hugh Freeze joined a host of other coaches and southeastern United States celebrities to participate in the annual Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl Challenge earlier this week. Freeze and former Ole Miss tight end Wesley Walls closed the two-day tournament strong...
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May 05, 2016  |  Discuss

The NFL Draft Through The Faces Of Jimmy Sexton

Last Thursday night, we all watched the NFL Draft in some combination of disbelief, horror, and anger* as a psychopath did his or her best to humiliate Laremy Tunsil on what should have been a celebration of him finally being rewarded for destroying SEC defensive ends for three years. While we saw the absurdity play out, we kept seeing Laremy Tunsil (who deserves a lifetime achievement...
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May 02, 2016  |  Discuss

Review: Episode Three of ‘Being Bret Bielema’

While we were all not paying attention or assuming unimportant things were important and allowing them to suck up our valuable time, we missed the release of Episode Three of the Godfather marathon of seven-to-eight-minute videos about football coaches. When we last watched Bert on our computer screens, he was roaring through the streets of Memphis with a police escort on his way...
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April 27, 2016  |  Discuss

Deep Statistical Dive Into Why Breeland Speaks Would Dare Say Ole Miss Is Supposed To Beat Alabama

WHERE WAS OLE MISS LAST JANUARY ‘CAUSE I SURE DON’T REMEMBER THEM BEING ANYWHERE IMPORTANT. HOW ‘BOUT ATLANTA? THEY MAKE IT THERE? UNLESS THEY WAS DRESSED LIKE THE TIDE WHOOPIN’ THAT GATOR REAR END, I DON’T THINK SO. I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHO THIS BREELAND SPAKES IS OR WHAT HE’S EVER DONE. YOU KNOW WHY? ‘CAUSE HE PLAYS FOR OLE MISS AND THEY AIN’T NEVER DONE NOTHIN’...
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April 26, 2016  |  Discuss

Happy Birthday, Head Ball Coach

On this special day, we take a break from our regularly scheduled time-wasting activities to celebrate the 71st birthday of Steve Spurrier. In fact, thanks to some totally legit connections, I have his cell phone number and we can call him to wish him the best as he makes the turn at Augusta National. Once a head ball coach, always a head ball coach. And a click-clack happy birthday...
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April 20, 2016  |  Discuss

Will Muschamp Shows Off The Boom Bus

Will Muschamp is hitting the road next month to remind South Carolina fans across the state that they should be excited about a head coach who went 10-13 in his last two seasons at Florida. To get the two-time winner of the Birmingham Bowl (at Florida AND Auburn!) to these various engagements, South Carolina rented a tour bus and turned it into the Boom Bus.  They even made a video...
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April 19, 2016  |  Discuss

All Rise, Judge Hootie Is Here To Settle This Satellite Camp Thing

The hot takes (AS IF THERE ARE ANY OTHER KINDS) about beliefs concerning satellite camps and how they define the very spirit of who someone is as a person are showing no signs of slowing down because there is no other news with enough strength that can put the brakes on this freight train out of insignificant hell. As a result, the back and forth will rage on, as people refuse...
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April 13, 2016  |  Discuss

SEC Spring Practice Roundup Via The Majesty Of Pie Charts

Spring football practice is well underway for most SEC teams (or maybe not, but I don’t care enough to verify that alleged #fact), which means there is reservoir of information and general interest tidbits to monitor. Things such as, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much did Nick Saban enjoy yesterday’s salad at lunch (the same salad he’s had every day since he discovered the...
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April 05, 2016  |  Discuss

Kirby Smart Helping Legislate The Process

Fresh off the exhausting recruiting efforts for the 2016 signing class, new Georgia head coach Kirby Smart decided about a month ago it was time for some well-deserved rest and relaxation away from the demands of his job. And what better way to unwind than to show up at the Georgia State Capitol in Atlanta to watch his state government engage in committee hearings, rigorous debate...
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March 30, 2016  |  Discuss

Mississippi State Struggling With Fred Depth At Wide Receiver

Following a season in which Freds on Mississippi State’s roster combined for 115 receptions, 1,419 receiving yards, 8 touchdowns, and a passer rating of 385.6*, the Bulldogs began spring practice on Wednesday with significant Freds-at-wide-receiver depth issues. Fred Ross, the leading receiver of the Freds (and the team), is being held out of spring practice after undergoing groin...
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March 25, 2016  |  Discuss

Let’s See How Les Miles’ Visit To Cuba Will Go

For reasons that will be known in 30 years when the classified files are made public, President Obama selected Les Miles to be a part of the group from the United States that will take in the sights and sounds of Cuba, as the two countries move closer to following one another on Twitter*. While in Cuba, Miles will attend a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national...
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March 22, 2016  |  Discuss

Review: Episode Two Of ‘Being Bret Bielema’

After unleashing eight or so minutes of gripping profile content on these United States of America and the world, the creators of Being Bret Bielema released Episode Two last week, which means it is our constitutional duty to review it thoroughly. If you missed the sterling review of Episode One, as well as background information on the Being Bert franchise (because I’m not typing...
Via The Belly of the Beast
March 18, 2016  |  Discuss

2016 NCAA Tournament Pool Sponsored By Every Pair Of Andy Kennedy’s Jordans

After months of heated college basketball action that most of us didn’t pay attention to outside of our rooting interests, we’ve arrived at the one part of the college hoops season that most of us will follow, if only to watch our brackets be consumed by the fire of idiotic picks. While college basketball is often not the most aesthetically pleasing sport to watch, single-elimination...
Via The Belly of the Beast
March 15, 2016  |  Discuss

Let’s Talk Chances Of Winning The 2016 SEC Men’s Basketball Tournament

Most of the words on this site are dedicated to football and foolishly letting the belief that good things will happen to my school’s team take root, as well as getting really indignant when the inevitable collapses arrive. But since it’s March (THIS IS MARCH), and the only football going on is the spring variety, where everyone looks GREAT, our time here today might be better...
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March 08, 2016  |  Discuss

New Line Of Trump Hats For Auburn Fans

Tuesday was quite a super day for Auburn fans, as their conquerors-of-the-Liberty Bowl football team opened spring practice and the state of Alabama officially went on record as a Trump state. While Trump did win Lee County with 33% of the Republican vote, it’s a number that pales in comparison to the 55.5% turnover rate on Auburn’s football staff since the end of the 2015...
Via The Belly of the Beast
March 02, 2016  |  Discuss
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