NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Steph Curry pushes OKC's buttons

Dear Mr. Westbrook & Mr. Christon,

We saw your dustup with the Warriors last night. First of all, congratulations on making Steph Curry look tough! Normally he looks like a spindly teenager with a painted-on beard who is on the court because he won a church raffle, but that shoving match made him look almost macho! Normally he only pushes Brita and ugly sneakers, but he made an exception for Semaj Christon.

Mr. Westbrook, we know you were protecting your teammate. But do you think your aggressive response had anything to do with the guy Semaj was pushing? I know you said “Who’s he?” but to clarify, he’s the guy that started the All-Star Game ahead of you. Also the guy who beat you in the Western Conference Finals even though you had a 3-1 lead. He’s also the guy who has beaten you six times in a row. Don’t pick a fight because things aren’t going your way – that’s what presidents do, not MVP candidates.

As per your other queries: Mr. Christon – what are you doing? Don’t fight Steph Curry! And don’t get in Russell Westbrook’s way when he’s trying to fight Steph Curry! And then after that, don’t let Steph Curry run down court unguarded and drain a three! And also, rent your place in Oklahoma City. Don’t buy! Trust us.

We hope that this ends your constant aggression with the Warriors because if Mr. Westbrook gets another technical, he gets suspended, and if that happens, the Thunder might lose to Michigan in the Sweet 16.

Technically yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Joe Lacob vs. OKC Thunder 

Dear Mr. Lacob,

We are sorry that Kevin Durant was booed upon his return to Oklahoma City, and then fans may have said something to his mother. We even take your point that the Thunder organization could have defused the tension by issuing some kind of statement thanking KD for his years with the team. However, it is not within our power to insist that Russell Westbrook invite Mr. Durant to his birthday party.

Yes, Mr. Westbrook invited all his other teammates, but he’s not obligated to send an invite to a guy who goes to a totally different school. In addition, Mr. Durant is running with a rougher crowd. What if Zaza Pachulia or Draymond Green showed up at the party, shoving and body-slamming the other kids during musical chairs? We already know that Matt Barnes character has been known to crash a party uninvited.

Why does he even want to go? Last year, Mr. Durant complained that Mr. Westbrook hogged the blindfold, refusing to let anyone else in on the donkey and taking shot after shot at the piñata. Also Mr. Durant insisted on taking pictures in a full photographer’s outfit, he ate all the cupcakes, and he didn’t bring a present, claiming he had a nice ring all picked out but then LeBron stole it out of his hands.

Plus there’s going to be a bounce house. No crutches in the bounce house!

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Frank Vogel vs. the Scoreboard

Dear Mr. Vogel,

Congratulations on the two-game winning streak! Or rather, condolences on your two-game winning streak? Your call was somewhat confusing, but we believe the answer is, no, an NBA team cannot forfeit games after the fact, no matter how good you think the incoming rookie class is going to be.

In the NBA, nothing is taken away from you on a silver platter. You have to earn your losses if you want to improve your draft lottery odds. Forget the heart of a champion. You need the liver of a coward to tank successfully in the NBA. And sometimes, you run into a team that simply wants it less. That’s what happened with Philadelphia.

You tried! You played Mario Hezonja & Jodie Meeks for 39 minutes. But Philly played Robert Covington 45 minutes. Letting Terrence Ross shoot 15 times seems like a recipe for defeat, but the Sixers out-sucked you by letting Nik Stauskas shoot 17 times. Your team missed 19 three-pointers. Philly missed 25. At one point, Philly led by 17 points, but they stopped doing the little things, and also ignored the big things, and gave themselves the chance to lose in overtime. Anything you can’t do, they can’t do, better.

This is gut-check time, Mr. Vogel, by which I mean it’s time to get Bismack Biyombo a big gut. At least until the end of the season. Feed him the ball in the post, feed him the saturated fats in the locker room. It’s time to dig deep, into your bench rotation. Can Stephen Zimmerman and Damjan Rudez play together? Time to find out.

Mr. Vogel, when you tell your team to stink, they should say, “How much?” It’s your one glaring moment, where you reach for the mud. Don’t let these precious ping pong balls slip out of your hands! But do let the regular basketballs do that.

Tankingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

A Small Child vs. Gonzaga

Normally, this hotline only responds to NBA calls, but we couldn’t say no to that face. According to our review, Northwestern was indeed the victim of an uncalled goaltending violation, which was followed by a technical foul to the coach. The swing cost Northwestern four points, and they went on to lose.

That being said, those tears are something you’ll have to get used to as a Northwestern supporter. When you’re watching Northwestern play basketball, it’s almost always going to be March Sadness. They’ll break your heart and bust your bracket. And in football, it’s not always going to be ticker tape parades and champagne celebrations. You can’t win the New Era Pinstripe Bowl every year!

Also as Northwestern kid, you’ll have to familiarize yourself with traumatic events like wedgies, swirlies, waiting nearly a year for a promotion at your dad’s firm, purple nurples, wet willies, losing the camp competition to the misfit kids across the lake, Hertz donuts, accidentally wrecking your best friend Cameron’s dad’s car, and kids from DePaul slapping you with your own hand and repeating, “Why are you hitting yourself?”

However, if you want to continue your highly-emotional tournament experience, just switch to rooting for Gonzaga. They’re definitely going to make a lot of long-suffering fans cry this weekend.

Kiddingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Larry Sanders vs. NBA D-League Referees

Dear Mr. Sanders,

First of all, welcome back to organized basketball! It’s good to see you out of the house and not at a Phish concert.

You called to dispute a goaltending call in a game between the Canton Charge and the Windy City Bulls. We reviewed the tape, and found that you did not interfere with the ball over the cylinder. However, you were guilty of budtending, both offensive and defensive. Audio caught you recommending CBD oils to Wesley Saunders, and discussing indica-sativa hybrids with your teammate Eric Moreland. You also told an official that you thought the ball had resin on it.

We are a little worried at your continued extreme familiarity with marijuana, but nonetheless, you did not break any basketball rules. Stats will be adjusted to credit him with a block, and as a new member of the referee hotline collective, he'll receive a free lighter, a pre-roll, and an Eastern Conference champions cap.

Your buddy, NBA Referee Hotline

Previously on NBA Hotline Bling

• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Damian Lillard reviews the call logs
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Coach Budenholzer updates his contacts list
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Daryl Morey burns up the phone lines
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Aaron Gordon drones on and on and on
• NBA Referee Hotline Bling: DeMarcus Cousins explores sign language