WWE WrestleMania 35 preview

Buddy Murphy (c) vs. Tony Nese, for the Cruiserweight Championship (205 Live) (Kickoff Show)

The story: 205 Live had another one of its awesome tournaments —watch 205 Live, please — to determine Murphy’s WrestleMania opponent, and in a shocking turn of events, Tony Nese — Murphy’s best friend and additional muscle — won the finals (against former Cruiserweight Champion, Cedric Alexander). Murphy and Nese…are no longer best friends.

Prediction: Nese is the hometown boy, which honestly means his chances "drastic [sic] go down." (That’s barely Steiner math, honestly.) Murphy is going to remain the champion, and it will be the right choice. 

The Revival (Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson) (c) vs. Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins for the RAW Tag Team Championship (RAW) (Kickoff Show)

The story: WWE forgot to actually tell the story of this match despite the fact it actually could have been a fantastic one. After weeks of narrowly escaping Ricochet and Aleister Black (and Bobby Roode and Chad Gable, sometimes) with their tag title reign intact, The Revival accepted Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins’ title challenge in a RAW clip that didn’t even air on RAW. If you remember, Hawkins has a ridiculously long losing streak, and Ryder has decided he’s going to help his longtime friend break that streak.

Prediction: Keep in mind that in last pay-per-view’s (Fastlane) preview, I wrote this about The Revival’s title defense: "The Revival are riding this championship reign all the way to WrestleMania…where they will unfortunately lose to Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins." So Curt Hawkins' losing streak finally ends. At least, in this case, they’d be losing to an actual team and not just two guys put together. (Though, in Ricochet and Black’s defense, they’ve made a really good team as just two guys put together.)  

WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal

The story: There is no story. At the risk of not actually hyping things up (and this is disappointing, truly), this match literally does not matter — even less so than the men’s — because instead of even renaming the Battle Royal with a past female superstar after the Fabulous Moolah drama, it was just left as “WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal,” with a uterus trophy.

Prediction: As winning either of these WrestleMania Battle Royals, again, literally doesn’t matter at all — Cesaro won this before, in case you forgot — saying Asuka should win to get back her momentum after losing the title in b.s. fashion last week on RAW is a pretty unfunny joke. Let Nikki Cross win. 

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

The story: Colin Jost and Michael Che, of "Saturday Night Live" (more specifically, "Weekend Update") infamy, are apparently the "special celebrity correspondents" for WrestleMania. There’s no need to complain about them — as celebrities — being part of WrestleMania because celebrities have been linked with  WrestleMania since the beginning. Mr. T was part of the main event of the first WrestleMania. Elvira was on commentary for the main event of WrestleMania 2. Celebrity integration into this show has actually improved over time. (Feel free to complain about Jost and Che simply because they're Jost and Che and also due to how much time leading up to this show has been dedicated to them, when, again, there was no onscreen story to set up Ryder and Hawkins’ WrestleMania match.) Jost and Che are participating in this match, so it will at least be something to see how that shakes out. This is the only story going into this match.

Prediction: On RAW this past week, Bobby Roode looked absolutely distraught over Chad Gable losing them their tag team match against Heavy Machinery. As WWE can’t seem to help itself when it comes to doing things that should matter in this throwaway match — and just to be clear, the problem is that this is a throwaway match at all — I imagine there will be a moment when he "betrays" Gable and eliminates him. Roode won’t win though. If Braun Strowman doesn’t win, then the Jost/Che stuff will have truly been a waste of time. But honestly, let EC3 or even Tyler Breeze win. Again, this match literally does not matter, and unlike the actual Royal Rumble, nothing will be lost by a non-contender coming out on top. In fact, there’s plenty of comedy potential in the concept of someone who never wins getting this one win. (Or Ali, the man formerly known as "Mustafa Ali"? As consolation for it not being #ALIMANIA?)  

Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre (RAW)

The story: Roman Reigns’ leukemia is in remission...and that apparently offends Drew McIntyre? He's a "Scottish Psychopath," so his motivations aren't quite clear, but he does seem to think RAW is his yard now.

Prediction: It’s a feel-good story for Reigns to win, but based on his WrestleMania record he can apparently only win a match if he’s with The Shield or if he’s against an old broken man. Neither of these things is happening this Sunday. 

AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton (SmackDown)

The story: The story is literally TNA/indie wrestling golden boy vs. WWE golden boy. And it’s awesome in its simplicity.

Prediction: This match could honestly be really amazing — and while it’s happened before on SmackDown, on a stage like WrestleMania, it certainly ticks off a dream match checklist — and it’ll be fine no matter who wins. Let’s say Randy Orton, because why not? 

Bobby Lashley (c) vs. “The Demon” Finn Balor, for the Intercontinental Championship (RAW)

The story: This is one of those never-ending RAW feuds that has no actual audience investment — so one of those RAW feuds featuring any combination of Bobby Lashley, Drew McIntyre or Baron Corbin. Balor won the title from Lashley in a handicap match — where Balor pinned Lio Rush — only for Lashley to win it back next time around. Then he had to win another handicap match — with Jinder Mahal as Lashley’s partner…whom Balor also pinned — to get this match. Now Balor is going to be "The Demon" to beat Lashley when he didn’t do so in his Universal Championship match against Brock Lesnar.

Prediction: Please just let "The Demon" win the title and put an end to this never-ending feud. 

Samoa Joe (c) vs. Rey Mysterio, for the United States Championship (SmackDown)

The story: Samoa Joe won the United States Champion from poor R-Truth, who just wanted to make his hero, John Cena, proud. Rey Mysterio — along with Andrade — has been circling the title, so now he gets a title shot (but Andrade does not). Then Rey Mysterio had a match against Baron Corbin on Monday Night RAW — it was a whole thing —and now he’s injured, with a question up in the air.

Prediction: Samoa Joe finally has a championship in WWE, and now he’s never going to let it go. 

Triple H vs. Batista, in a No Holds Barred match, with Triple H’s career on the line (RAW)

The story: Batista showed up at Ric Flair’s 70th birthday celebration to beat up Ric Flair, as a way to demand that Triple H give him what he wants: a proper retirement match, against Triple H. (It still would have been cooler if Becky Lynch beat up the old man to get back into the WrestleMania main event, but one can imagine she planned to do so and Batista beat her to the dressing room.)

Prediction: GIVE BATISTA WHAT HE WANTS. Honestly, Triple H can put up the boots now; it’s fine. 

The Usos (Jimmy and Jey Uso) (c) vs. The Bar (Sheamus and Cesaro) vs. Ricochet and Aleister Black vs. Rusev and Shinsuke Nakamura for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship (SmackDown)

The story: On the Road to #KofiMania, Vince McMahon forced New Day members Big E and Xavier Woods to prove they’re more than a “B-plus tag team" — as he’s already called Kofi Kingston a "B-plus player"... because there’s a whole parallel to the “YES Movement” in this storyline— by having them go through a tag team gauntlet. Once The Usos came out for their part in the gauntlet — with The New Day beaten down—they brought up their past rivalry and the respect both teams have gained for each other. With that, they forfeit. VMcMahon, however, didn’t like that very much.

Prediction: The Usos retain, and hopefully this is a WrestleMania of everyone pissing off Vince McMahon even more.  

Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin, in Kurt Angle’s farewell match (RAW)

The story:  Corbin has been making Kurt Angle’s life a living hell for months, and to be fair it makes sense that Angle would choose him as his final match. But the fact is literally no one actually wants to see this be Angle’s final match, especially considering his Farewell Tour had him wrestle Chad Gable, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles (kind of). Corbin just had a boring match with Rey Mysterio this past Monday.

Prediction: Please let this be a bait and switch. Really, it’s not even a Corbin problem: Kurt Angle shouldn’t be in the ring. None of the matches he’s had since coming back should have happened, but as he tried to do a weekly match Farewell Tour (then briefly to matches a week), it was even more apparent he needs to get out of the ring as quickly as possible. 

The Miz vs. Shane McMahon, in a Falls Count Anywhere Match (SmackDown)

The story: As expected — because you can’t trust a McMahon, especially Shane because Shane has never been a good guy — Shane McMahon turned on The Miz after they lost their tag title rematch against The Usos. Now The Miz is a good guy, for real, and that’s actually awesome. He’s come a long way since “The Real World: Back to New York.” Hopefully Coral is in attendance.

Prediction: Honestly, the only good thing about Shane McMahon wrestling — for those of us who aren’t impressed by a sweaty middle-aged man jumping off things, when people like Ricochet exist — is that it’s a big deal to beat him. The Miz deserves this WrestleMania moment. 

The Boss ‘N’ Hug Connection (Sasha Banks and Bayley) (c) vs. Nia Jax and Tamina vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs. The IIconics (Billie Kay and Peyton Royce) in a Tag Team fatal four-way match for the WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship (RAW, SmackDown)

The story: To be honest, Nia Jax and Tamina lost fair and square at Fastlane, so they have no actual merit-based reason to be in this match. (Even The IIconics pinned the champs in a non-title match to get here.) But after losing fair and square at Fastlane, they decided to be sore losers, which inspired Beth Phoenix to come out of retirement to put them down, "Glamazon" style and then challenge for the WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship with her bestie, Natalya. So here we are.

Prediction: Let The IIconics win, you cowards. (But yeah, Sasha Banks and Bayley will probably retain.) 

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Seth Rollins, for the Universal Championship (RAW)

The story: Rollins won the men’s Royal Rumble, and naturally he chose to "Slay The Beast."  WWE actually hasn’t really mentioned it in this story, but Rollins has technically beaten Lesnar a couple of times before…in Triple Threat matches where he can pin the third man. Remember WrestleMania 31 and "The Heist of the Century?" This time it’s face-to-face, one-on-one, and Rollins is the hero RAW needs and deserves.

Prediction: If this is a mostly feel-good WrestleMania, then this is probably the one big match where the hero won’t prevail. But we can dream: Seth Rollins, please burn Brock Lesnar down.  

“The New” Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kofi Kingston, for the WWE Championship (SmackDown)

The story: THE MAN (Vince, not Becky) HAS BEEN SCREWING KOFI OVER FOR 11 DAMN YEARS. 

Prediction: #KOFIMANIA! #KOFIMANIA! #KOFIMANIA! 

Ronda Rousey (c) vs. Charlotte Flair (c) vs. Becky Lynch, in a Winner Takes All Triple Threat match for the RAW Women’s Championship and the SmackDown Women’s Championship (RAW, SmackDown)

The story: As previously mentioned, last Tuesday Charlotte beat Asuka for the SmackDown Women’s Championship in an impromptu match. (While the racial implications are obviously there in the Kofi storyline, there’s no way the actual Vince McMahon has seen how they’re also there with him giving Charlotte an unearned, surprise shot at Asuka’s title and in him forcing The Usos to defend their tag titles against three other teams for forfeiting during the New Day gauntlet.) Then on Monday night, Stephanie McMahon announced the WrestleMania main event will be Winner Takes All. Then the most amazing thing happened: 

Really, just rewatch this on a loop until WrestleMania 35 begins. It’s going down for real.

Prediction: There might be an actual riot at MetLife Stadium if Becky Lynch doesn’t win this match.