Originally written on Metstradamus  |  Last updated 11/16/14
If the title of this blog post hasn't scared you off yet, then obviously you have some morbid curiosity regarding how anybody who is not in Brian Bixler's immediate family can write a thousand words on Brian Bixler. And not just how ... but why. Why? Simple answer: This is the Mets' version of "hot stove season". Writing a post about Brian Bixler, who was signed by the Mets yesterday, might be the only shot I've got to discuss any sort of addition until this time next year. So, you get a post to lead off your Saturday that is somewhat related to Brian Bixler. But I'm going to warn you right now: If you get to the end of this, it'll be five minutes of your life that you'll never get back. So here it goes:The best thing that I can say about Brian Bixler is ... that he's not Melky Cabrera. I had been resigned to the fact that the Mets would take a flyer on Cabrera to help him get his career back on track for slightly higher than the standard one-three million dollars given to injury reclamation projects like Chris Capuano and Chris Young. With Sandy Alderson not able to find an outfield while sifting through his bounty of able-bodied baseball players, and Cabrera theoretically about to be punished for his foray into the world of performance enhancing drugs and website building, the Mets and Cabrera seemed to be a match made in limbo. But along came the Toronto Blue Jays, who are aspiring to be the Dodgers with a side of poutine, to sign Cabrera to a two-year $16 million deal ... saving the Mets from what some would call the dreaded "low risk-high reward" signing (it's been years since I had arguments about that phrase ... and I still hate it.)He's also not Jose Reyes ... another former shortstop who's still in the news over that trade that sent him to the Dodgers w/poutine: as the Marlins apparently broke verbal promises to Reyes and Mark Buehrle that they wouldn't be traded. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there: Verbal promises from the Marlins are about as trustworthy as a press briefing from Baghdad Bob. Come on ... if this world can't guarantee that Twinkies will be around forever, how can you trust anything David Samson or Jeffrey Loria say to you? You might as well buy a Ford Pinto from Herostratus.(Perhaps Jose can be comforted with a Christmas gift from Harry & David's ... a box of chocolates, perhaps.)Not to mention that Mark Buehrle might have to be traded again because his new baseball home of Ontario has a stupid law that forbids the ownership of pit bulls. Now if the Blue Jays want to cut their losses and trade Mark Buehrle for a bag of baseballs, the Mets can never have enough pitching. This would fulfill my decade-long obsession of getting Buehrle in a Mets uniform (we have blue ones now, y'know). But in reality, if Buehrle gets traded it will probably be to the Cardinals so that he can fulfill his lifetime fantasy. Missouri accepts all breeds of dog and cat, right?Okay, I've gotten halfway through to a thousand and still no real words on this Brian Bixler fellow. Well, he was most recently a Houston Astro. This doesn't exactly instill me with confidence. The Astros won 55 games last season. If this is the roster that Sandy is scouring for talent, we're in big trouble once again. The only thing worse than plucking somebody from the Astros would be to sign somebody who spent the majority of the season in their 27th ranked minor league system, where Bixler spent most of his time last season. Sweet.Bixler is also a career .189 hitter in the majors. But at the very least, Bixler hit .269 with the Oklahoma City RedHawks last season, which means that in his most likely destination of Las Vegas, his numbers will be inflated to the .300 range which will make him seem like a viable option to come to the majors in the middle of the season. It will be at this point where Bixler will most likely disappoint us. Or as Steve from Amazin' Avenue puts it: he's Mike Nickeas without the flowing locks. Wonderful. Stiff drinks for everyone.Or, Bixler will be the Opening Day shortstop when Terry Collins inevitably suspends Ruben Tejada 100 games for reporting to spring training one day early.Bixler wore 12 for the Astros, which is a black mark against him because Jeff Kent also wore 12 for the Astros. This means that either Bixler is going to be traded for a 44-year-old Carlos Baerga, or that Bixler will one day be voted off Survivor by Tootie and Natalie. (If you haven't been paying attention lately, the very mention of Jeff Kent makes me go into the fetal position sobbing like a baby. David Cone was tending bar at Foley's the other night, and even he acknowledged that Kent might be a hall of famer one day, "just not for the Mets". And those were seriously his words, not mine.)Take comfort in the fact that in 2009, Bixler hit over .300 in spring training, as Pirates managment, which included current Brooklyn Cyclones manager Rich Donnelly, raved about him. He was so good that spring training that he was sent to the minors just before the season started. But he did have his highest batting average of .227 for the Pirates in '09 while filling in at shortstop and center field. Okay, he did it in 44 at-bats ... but if Bixler does start the season with the Mets, he'll probably be the new Ronny Cedeno/Joaquin Arias/Alex Cora type player. If those words don't make you want to drink chlorine straight from the tap, then you're a better Mets fan than me.That leaves me a scant few words short of 1,000, which only leaves me enough to say that hey, I was sarcastic when R.A. Dickey signed with the Mets too, and look how that worked out: He's got a Cy Young award. Perhaps Bixler will be the new David Eckstein, full of grit and hustle and reason for Mets fans to love him and wave banners in his honor. My guess is no. But if the Mets are as broke as some people say, this might be the best we're going to get for a while. So freakin' enjoy it. Or, curse your life for getting all the way to the end of this hoping for some sort of wild revelation about a minor league shortstop. Sorry. But look, just be happy the Mets didn't blow $16 million on Melky Cabrera and enjoy your weekend. I'll continue to look for a new hobby which will keep me away from the internet during hot stove season.

Australian cricket player dies from head injuries

Wrigley Field bleacher renovation may be delayed

Yankees wanted Rollins but Phillies' price was too high

Pop misses game for medical reasons; Messina takes over

John Beilein upset with ESPN for late start time to game

Tyson Chandler felt like Knicks' scapegoat at times


Fred Jackson has 'no respect' for Donte Whitner

Devon Still responds to unpaid child support allegations

Diamondbacks sign Cuban slugger Yasmany Tomas

Josh Gordon felt alienated by some in Browns organization

Jerry Jones: I'm a big admirer of Robert Griffin III

Raiola fined for uneccesarily striking Pats' Zach Moore

CM Punk opens up about leaving WWE, says he'll never return

Steelers turned down chance to be called 'America's Team'

Report: Small chance Raiders-Rams could be moved to Indy

Todd Gurley begins rehab after surgery on knee for torn ACL

Brodeur to practice with Blues

OSU player posts Michigan player's girlfriend as his 'WCW'

Jim Harbaugh's family may not eat turkey thanks to NBC

Ole Miss' The Grove threatened by Mississippi State fan

Is it time for the Redskins to move on from Robert Griffin III?

Top 10 fantasy football turkeys for 2014

WATCH: Coyotes lose in ugly fashion, score own goal in OT

Warriors are having tons of fun on team plane

All Sports News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.

CM Punk opens up about leaving WWE

Wrigley renovation may be delayed

Steelers could have been America's Team

John Beilein upset with ESPN

Should Washington move on from RG3?

Dominic Raiola fined for cheap shots

Game of the week: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Denver Broncos

Rose leaves with injury again

WATCH: Pierce signs for fan during game

Report: McCoy to start over RG3

Braxton Miller headed to Oregon?

10 most one-sided college football rivalries

Today's Best Stuff
For Bloggers

Join the Yardbarker Network for more promotion, traffic, and money.

Company Info
What is Yardbarker?

Yardbarker is the largest network of sports blogs and pro athlete blogs on the web. This site is the hub of the Yardbarker Network, where our editors and algorithms curate the best sports content from our network and beyond.