Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 7/2/12

Yasmani Grandal is starring in an off-off Broadway production of OBPwulf.  Since everyone was supposed to read Beowulf, but no one has actually ever read it, the play starts with Grandal standing on first after a walk, and then he stands there and stands there and stands there, waiting for another Padre hitter to get him to 2nd base.  It’s actually more like Waiting for Godot, if anyone’s actual seen or read that.  I haven’t, so I’m going by Waiting for Guffman.  I’m cultured like yogurt!  In his first game after his call up, Grandal homered twice, but with Yasmani in Yosemite (an almost rhyme!), there’s not much power here.  In Triple-A, 6 homers in 56 games.  Pretty blah, huh?  Not so fast, person who jumps to conclusions fast!  He also hit .330 and had a .438 OBP.  I actually dropped Soto for him in a 12 team league because I’m dying for average.  Rookies, catchers and a rookie catcher in Petco doesn’t add up to much because it’s words and not numbers, but I’d take a flyer on him if I needed average.  Looking at maybe a .290 average and 5 homers.  Basically, put shin pads on Yonder Alonso and you have Grandal.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ben Sheets – Braves took a flyer on Ben Sheets and he will give it a go in Double-A.  Remember, if Bedard and Sheets are both healthy in the majors at the same time it could cause a major shift in the Time VORP Continuum.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Out for 12 weeks with forearm surgery.  The three weeks for each arm.

Shelley Duncan – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer, and ripped Chief Wahoo’s arm off from a high five.  Have the Native Americans not suffered enough?

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Having a weird season so far.  Had three absolute disaster starts.  Throw out those clunkers and he has a 2.54 ERA on the year.  Remember, when you cherrypick stats, spit out the pits.

Dylan Bundy – No, that’s not me turning on the mosquito zapper, that faint buzz growing louder is Dylan Bundy.  Orioles said they might bring Bundy up this year.  No, they won’t, but this a good sign for next year.  Almost guarantees he’ll get a long look in Spring Training for the rotation.

Andrew McCutchen – Sat out yesterday after suffering a minor wrist sprain.  Says he should be good to go on Monday.  Hope so.  I don’t need The Dread Pirate having any meanings beyond his hair.

Michael McKenry – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer.  I’d say how many homers he has in the last week and how he’s been better than Jesus Montero over that time, but that’ll just elicit a bunch of catcher questions.  I’m on to you people!

Chris Johnson – Was scratched from yesterday’s game with a lat strain.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Chris Johnson was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.

Travis Wood – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (0 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.05.  Don’t love the K:BB, but has 10 Ks to one walk over his last two starts and has enough upside to give him a whirl in almost all leagues.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 9th homer.  Someone asked in the comments the other day what round I thought Trout would go in next year.  As of right now, I think late 2nd round.  Let’s do an informal poll, what do you think?

Ernesto Frieri – Pitched the 8th inning, but that’s just Mike being a Sciosciapath.  Also, I just realized Frieri’s yet to give up a run for the Angels and has only given up 3 runs all year.  On the season, 36 IP, 0.75 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, 10 saves and 60 Ks…. Again, that is in only 36 innings.  Wow.  (Yes, I’m do this partly to jinx him.)

Alberto Callaspo – 1-for-5 with three homers in the last week.  Nothing more than a mildly hot schmotato until he reverts back to Callaspoo.

Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs yesterday and three “Plouffe goes the dynamite”s this weekend!  We got an email the other day about Plouffe.  Here it is, “Hello, I am Stefan from Austria.  I sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger, so when you read my email you can hear my voice in your head.  Yah?  Plouffe is not the Eskimo word for the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water.  It is a German word for sleeping in your lederhosen.  ‘I am so tired I’m just about plouffing.’ I hope you can use my knowledge.  Oh, and thank you for telling me to draft Latos then drop him right when he got good, as if my friends did not have enough schadenfreude when my wife left me.”

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 with his 8th steal to raise his average to .233.  At this point, I’m hoping for a .260 average and 17 homers.  Anything over that and we’re in gravy territory. Basically, we’re hoping for a bit less than Kipnis’s 1st half.  FMFBBL!

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Now that he’s striking outside of Coors, it looks like he’s definitely out of the season long slump.  This comes on the heels of a cortisone shot to his shoulder, which is a steroid (tomato-potato, I guess).  What I want to know is WHY DIDN’T HE GET A CORTISONE SHOT IN APRIL?!  Were they waiting until I dropped him?  Why are they monitoring my fantasy team?  Worry about your own shizz!  Furthermore, give Carlos Quentin a cortisone shot.  I have him on a team that needs power!

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, here’s what I said, “Nolasco is capable of running off a month of promise and his July ERA over the last three years is 3.29.  Far and away his best month.”  And that’s me quoting me!  By my calculations, you have 29 more days to add him, but I’m going by my 1987 Samantha Fox calendar, so I could be wrong.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 19th homer, while batting .282.  He dedicated his homer to all the men and women, no matter their nationality, who are being called the wrong name.  On a serious tip, Stanton’s .282 average is a nice surprise.  If he can do that with 40 homers, I may have to add an additional heart tattoo to my other butt cheek with his last name.  But I’ll need to add a comma because Giancarlo’s heart is on the right cheek.

Jose Reyes – 0-for-3 with his 19th steal.  In 160 less ABs, Campana has more steals.  The Man Who Didn’t Use Vowels said tsk tsk to Reyes.

Travis Blackley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks in Arlington.  Hey, Travis Blackley, you pitchin’ for me?  You pitchin’ for me?  No, no he’s not.  Not outside of home games where the matchups are favorable.

Lance Lynn – On Saturday, he gave up 6 earned runs in 5 innings.  On my team, Lynn had 50 IP with 2.70 ERA and 1.18 WHIP.  Tim Dierkes, the guy who runs MLB Trade Rumors, picked Lynn up after I dropped him and he has a 5.13 ERA, 1.46 WHIP from Lynn in 40 1/3 IP.  I gave him the poison pill!  Oh, Dierkes is still beating me in the league though, so there’s that.  Oh, Part II:  Shouldn’t They Have Called this P?; I probably should’ve traded Lynn instead of dropping him when I did, so there’s that too.  Oh, Part III:  They’ll Keep Making Them As Long As Someone’s Going To See Them; Dierkes also got more offense in a week from my dropped Zimmerman than I got in three months.

Allen Craig – 1-for-4 with two homers over the weekend.  He had a sleeper post by ONC.  ONC now goes by his hippie name, Sky, and writes for our fantasy football blog.  Go say hello and ask him if his last name is Moonbrite.

Scott Rolen – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms and Todd Frazier took over and homered.  So those in deep enough leagues to own Frazier didn’t even start him, sonavabench!

Alex Cobb – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Not sure how mobile Cobb was before, but he’s definitely not now that the wheels have come off.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 1 run.  He was a mess in April and May (.205, .202, respectively), but he hit .344 in June and is continuing that into July.  And that’s something about my Ben-Zo, Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, as he stayed hot.  In his 8 game hitting streak, he’s hitting around .333.  Go to your waivers, find Aoki, pick him up and then say like they do in Norway, “A-ha!  (Best group ever.)”

Yovani Gallardo – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA is now down to 3.87.  Next March, you’re gonna see his 2012 ERA of 3.40, draft him and then in May you’re gonna wonder why you ever drafted him and then the cycle will repeat itself.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Since this is really all about me, Vogelsong’s stats on my team (he replaced Lynn):  2.39 ERA, 1.02 WHIP in 49 IP.  Obviously, the Ks aren’t there.

Kip Wells – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks in Coors in his 2nd start since 2009.  Him and Pettitte are showing teams should go to a 324 man rotation that allows two years off between starts.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  First sign of life for him since he injured his finger.  That’s it, Dusty, with your heart three sizes too big for your body and your thermos filled with spunk, which some find hard to swallow.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer.  Where have I heard his name before?  Oh, I know!  Every Razzball roundup for the last week.  Geez, you’d think I’d know since I’m the one in charge of cracking the whip at the 100 monkeys who write these.

Chad Qualls – I’m sorry, mama, but this season the Phils are cleaning out their closet.  The Yankees picked up Qualls and Phillie fans picked up their batteries.  Only another 73 years between titles!

Phil Hughes – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I said I’m sorry, mama– Damn, now that’s stuck in my head.  It’s fair to say Hughes came up with a lot of expectations and a 4.47 career ERA (prior to this game) probably has bust on it.  Usually the best way to put a good spin on a bust is just attach some twirling tassels, but with Hughes I’ll simply say he’s only 26 years old.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4.  He went to the White Sox hitting .233 and after a week, he’s still hitting .233.  Such a steady hitter!

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer as he chased Gio from the game.  With the All-Star results being released yesterday, Chipper is up for the final vote.  I’d take a second to vote for him, but I just pulled my oblique.


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