Originally written on The Belly of the Beast  |  Last updated 11/6/14

Florida 38, Kentucky 0
Due to an injury to Maxwell Smith, Morgan Newton made his first, and probably last, appearance of 2012, throwing all the interceptions, but not incompletions, that Smith would have thrown.  Newton finished 7-21, 48 yards, 3 INTs and finished behind Fig Newtons in a harsh, but fair Twitter poll rating the best Newtons.

With Newton's confidence sufficiently shattered, Kentucky can turn its attention to the Vanderbilt game on November 3rd, because that's the only chance they have at not pulling an Ed Orgeron/Houston Nutt/Bobby Johnson and going 0-8 in the conference.  I take that back.  Until Tennessee proves their defense can handle a career wide receiver playing quarterback, I guess the Wildcats still have a shot at winning two conference games.

Ole Miss 39, Tulane 0
After the last two seasons, I supposed it's a bit greedy if I take to complaining about a 39-0 win over a D-I team, or really, any team, BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.  After an outstanding first quarter and me shouting about scoring a hundred, the Ole Miss offense fell into a New Orleans food and/or alcohol coma and took the rest of the day off. 

If you were a current or former quarterback for Ole Miss, you fumbled on Saturday.  Bo Wallace, Barry Brunetti, Maikhail Miller (current QBs), and Randall Mackey (former QB) all fumbled, causing great swells of anger to come out of my body because I don't do well with stupidity.  HIGH AND TIGHT, FELLAS.  HIGH AND TIGHT.  I DON'T NEED THAT STRESS.

And other than a really nice throw from Wallace to Donte Moncrief, the passing game was awful.  Some of that is on Wallace for being off (perhaps related to his bruised shoulder STOP LEADING WITH IT WHEN YOU RUN JUST SLIDE PLEASE THANK YOU), but the offensive line is still pretty much very bad at pass blocking.  I'm sure they'll get it all sorted out against Alabama.

South Carolina 31, Missouri 10
Because I love naps, especially with the fan on high, I was unconscious for most of the second half.  But, what I took away from the first half was that Missouri's offensive line couldn't handle the South Carolina defensive line, South Carolina's offensive line could handle Missouri's defensive line, and whenever Missouri's special teams came on the field, bad things usually followed for the Tigers.

And this game could have been worse for Missouri, as South Carolina got to the Tigers' 16 and 1 before fumbling and turning it over on downs, respectively (and while I was asleep, they also got to the Missouri 15 in the second half before fumbling again).  So Missouri should consider themselves fortunate to have only been outscored 72-30 in two conference games. 

The good news for Missouri is that they've played what are probably the toughest two teams in their division, but they still have Alabama and Florida to go, both of which will most likely give their offensive and defensive lines the business.  But, Vandy, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Texas A&M are all winnable and give the Tigers a shot at 4-4 in their first year in the conference.

Alabama 40, Florida Atlantic 7
Remember that time Nick Saban said Houston Nutt should be the one to replace him at LSU?  What a soul-crushing loss for all of us.

LSU 12, Auburn 10
Either Zach Mettenberger was pouring one out for Jordan Jefferson on Saturday night or he is the white, mustached version of Jordan Jefferson.  His fumble on the Auburn 2-yard line and second fumble that set up Auburn's only touchdown were classic Jeffersonian moves, in addition to his accuracy falling apart in the second half (5-13).  And somewhat unrelated, the ironic mustache only works when you're lighting up defenses for 300+ yards and a few touchdowns.  Consistent overthrows and dumb fumbles destroy whatever humor is to be found there.

I don't know if LSU's coaches have no trust in him or they simply have no idea how to adjust to anything, but when you're watching on TV and can see 9 or 10 Auburn defenders in the picture before the ball is snapped, perhaps something other than FULL STEAM AHEAD RUSHES should be called.  This is two straight conference games for LSU (counting the national championship game) where the Tigers' plan when the first plan wasn't working was to stay with the first plan.  Maybe they knew they could get away with against a Kiehl Frazier-led offense, but this reeks of more of the same from LSU.

One day, LSU is going to realize that they have ALL THE BLANK CHECKS and will go out and pay for a real offensive coordinator.  That day will make me very sad.

Rutgers 35, Arkansas 26
While John L. Smith is having a pretty rough patch in his personal life, and I feel awful for him, THIS COLLAPSE COULDN'T HAPPEN TO A NICER GROUP OF PEOPLE.  The only way I could enjoy this more is if Joker Phillips got fired, Houston Nutt was named Kentucky's interim coach, and he came to Fayetteville and won by two touchdowns.

Texas A&M 70, South Carolina State 14
It doesn't even have to be this year, but if Nutt could ever beat Arkansas again, my delight would know no bounds.  And if he ever beat Ole Miss again, I would fully expect it because that is something we do. 

Mississippi State 30, South Alabama 10
This Mississippi State team reminds me of Sylvester Croom's 2007 team that went to the Liberty Bowl, except this team is a couple billion light years ahead of that team's offense.  This offense isn't great (68th in total offense), especially given the teams they've played, but their defense is coming up with lots of turnovers.  The Bulldogs are currently +13 in turnover margin (1st), which makes up for some average-ish offense and saved them from losing to Troy.

Croom's 2007 team ended up with a net of 0 in turnover margin, despite 28 turnovers created by his defense, which shows just how bad that offense was, and that team went 8-5.  As long as the turnovers keep coming, this State team should at the very least match that, and probably pass it.

Tennessee 47, Akron 26

Just told @georgeschroeder that Akron now leads Tenn, 23-20 & w/o missing a beat: "They might burn the orange pants off him."

— Bruce Feldman (@BFeldmanCBS) September 23, 2012

Georgia 48, Vanderbilt 3
Sadly, we were not treated to Franklin vs. Graham II, which could have happened had Mark Richt not lost control of Vanderbilt's offense.  This game also blew up the theory submitted by Houston Nutt, a local idiot, that said playing Vanderbilt early in the year was tougher because they weren't worn down yet.

 

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK PICKS
Week:  5-4 (.555)
Season:  21-17 (.552)

 

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Connor Shaw, QB, South Carolina
20-21, 249 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT
12 carries, 41 yards

No doubt Spurrier was pleased with such a great performance, but he's grinding his teeth over Shaw missing a read and only picking up 8 yards instead of 12.

 

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Morgan Newton, QB, Kentucky
7-21, 48 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT

Back-to-back winners for Kentucky quarterbacks.  Next year, when Bobby Petrino is at Auburn, Kentucky fans can think about what a great job he would do with Kentucky's QBs.

 

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
Thoroughly crushing a division opponent, with minimal visor-throwing.

 

2012 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1.  Kiehl Frazier  7
2.  Bo Wallace  4
2.  Maxwell Smith  4
4.  Brandon Allen  3
4.  Tyler Bray  3
4.  Tyler Wilson  3
4.  Morgan Newton  3
8.  Zach Mettenberger  2
8.  Connor Shaw  2
8.  Aaron Murray  2
11.  Jordan Rodgers  1
11.  Jeff Driskel  1
11.  Tyler Russell  1
11.  James Franklin  1

 

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Texas A&M
Will Texas A&M find another way to lose a game in the second half?  Will the Arkansas defense let yet another quarterback put up career numbers in yards and touchdowns? 

Tennessee at Georgia?
Will Tyler Bray continue slinging the ball around to more empty spaces and Georgia defenders than his receivers?  What will Mark Richt lose control of this week?  Will Derek Dooley's blood pressure break 400 over 250?

Ole Miss at Alabama
Why is anyone looking forward to this?  Were there no other games to put here?  Will Alabama set school records for rushing yards and yards per carry?  Can we have a running clock after the first quarter?

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